some old poems

2005-8 throwback BUT FIRST I just want to say that I spent a good amount of my memorial day remembering things from my past, because I was cleaning out my notebooks from high school because I wanted more shelf space. I remembered some pretty great things and then all of a sudden I stumbled across stuff that I had completely forgotten, all of which is super lolzy (for example, I found a blog that I forgot I had started from 2005). I thought I'd share some of the things I'd found which will only be poems because otherwise this would be super unorganized. So some of these are lolzy and some are kind of good and some are really good (if I'm allowed to say that about my own writing).

"Self"

Is it possible to run away from oneself?
From one's conscience?
From one's guilt?
From one's fears?

I've never heard of it being done before,
yet it sounds like a most wonderful thing.
To be free of preconceptions,
stereotypes, and (here's the best part) pasts.

Some days I wonder why I'm stuck with myself.
Why does my mind reprimand me?
Why does my tongue seem to hate me?
Why do I, of all people, have to be the one stuck with me?

I attempted running away from myself
on the Tuesday before last
but it didn't work so well.
I ended up with a headache,
sore legs,
and a worser self to be stuck with.

Is it possible to run away from oneself?
Won't someone please let me know if it is?
But then, maybe it'd be worse to know that it was,
just not for me.

"When the World Ends"

Up is like down
when the world is flipped about,
Light is like dark
when the stars fade out.
Dry is like wet
when we've all drowned in tears,
Courage is like cowardice
when we've fallen to our fears.

In is like out
when there's no place to be,
Speaking is like silence
when no one listens to me.
Warm is like cold
when I have no more friends,
Love is like hate
when the world ends.

Untitled 3/28/07

Cough cough! You're dead.

Though I spread of my own accord,

rest assured that you killed yourself too.

Where would I be if not for messy hands

and dirty floors, public places and the great outdoors?

Oh! That you would be foolish forever,

ignorant; but I don't need to worry: humans

don't change, it's just us germs that do.

And only one of us will live forever.

Will it be you?

Not with me in your head.

Cough cough! You're dead.

"The Rule Poem"

Consuming, always burning

let embers embrace emotions

What do you see in your reflection?

Oh, but you only hear thunderous silence

To know the joy of sound

and not know so much sympathy

But what a bittersweet symphony

to not know silence, not appreciate light; you taste fear

Even rocks sing as they tumble, a rumbling song

still your envy is green as their moss

To be like anyone else

you raise daily prayers

Will you wait for death?

Put on your dancing shoes.

Tap!

You can feel it - no more yearning

"vicious you"

Poised brilliance

Anguished gleam

of something

flowing underneath

thumping cylinders

'round legs

Enticing zing

not quite

what dreamed

Jaded hope

'X' marks

in you

Vicious kite

Vicious, flowing, thumping

round marks of zing

anguished hope underneath

'X' something.

Enticing legs quite poised

dreamed kite in cylinders

What gleam?

Not brilliance.

Jaded you.

Anguished dreamed gleam; jaded

marks poised something;

vicious you.

Brilliance enticing hope

kite? not quite

thumping. what? zing.

Cylinders flowing in legs

of round

underneath 'X.'

"geese"

A bulging see-organ penetrates surroundings

Lack of opposable thumbs lets bill do work

Of cross-webbed saunter little brittany laughs

Color is nothing to sleek leathery touch

"seamstress meets wordsmith"

mend broken thoughts

stitch ripped fragments

hem in tangents

headline:

seamstress meets wordsmith in torrid affair

patch up consciousness holes, those nasty blanks

that smooth click of pen and paper, needle and thread

becoming something

complete

And then there is a SUPER LOLZY, like LOLZIEST OF LOLZ poem that is full of angst which I'm not posting because it is literally the worst thing I have ever written. I am hoping that I meant it ironically. One golden line: Sometimes I just need to let it all our [I think I meant out], to pour out my soul in writing. Oh dear. Don't worry, past!Marisa, it gets better.

(don't) show me your feet

NOTE: This post took me like two days to write because first of all it's kind of an embarrassing subject and second of all I had to hunt down these pictures and then format them a bit. But I felt like it would be worth it.

I have very conflicted feelings about feet so I thought I would try to explain them here where I have the space. First of all, I totally get when people are grossed out by them and don't want anything to do with them. I'm sometimes one of those people. I don't want anyone to touch my feet and I am constantly worried that if I go barefoot I will get athlete's foot, tetanus or a squishy worm all up on me which is NOT cool. I don't like other people's feet, either, and I really would prefer if everyone wore converses every day.

HOWEVER, I have two habits which seem to contradict these sentiments which is where some of the confusion arises. Firstly, I love flip-flops. Specifically, I love those really cheap flip-flops from Old Navy and I have approximately 12 pairs of them in different colors. This is mostly because I like convenience and I don't believe in spending money, and they last almost forever and you can get them for like 2 bucks. So sometimes people think that because I wear flip-flops almost exclusively for about a third of the year that this somehow indicates that I like looking at my feet. Not true.

Secondly, I like to take pictures of my feet. Now this has caused several people to say that I have a foot fetish and I am going to rectify that mistake right now. This has NOTHING to do with actually liking my feet or thinking that they look good (though I do think they look better than other people's feet but this isn't saying much because some feet are super disgusting). This goes back to the early days of the internet when it wasn't safe to take pictures of yourself, before myspacing became a thing, and yes I am pulling out my indie side on this. (But seriously I was here before people thought it was cool.) Anyway, I wore a lot of toe socks in middle school just because it was different so naturally if I had to take a picture of something and it wasn't going to be my face, it would have to be of my socks. Note that this is my SOCKS and not my FEET, though they were generally covering my feet. (Also, just so you know how cool I am, I wore toe socks with sandals on several occasions because I am just that cool.)

Now for a brief look into the lolziest of all of my blogs, the one I maintained throughout high school, and of course lots of Facebook reminiscing:

2006. This was probably the first picture which started the trend. I just thought it was funny, I was taking a picture of myself anyway and then I decided that my socks looked pretty baller so I took this picture. Who knew what would come next...

This is where my feet hid almost every day. I just thought that it was insightful. I always want to know where people make their witty comments from, and this is where mine originated back in the day. (Now of course I'm sitting in bed all day with my laptop.)

2007. One of my favorite pairs of toe socks. This is also one of my earliest Facebook profpics (the oldest according the fb, but I deleted some older ones). Lolol. Obsessed with internet security. There are some more in old facebook albums which aren't as cool as this one and honestly I don't know what I was thinking taking them. So weird of me.

Summer 2007 (from my first Facebook album). Hanging with the Griesemers...not enough feet to make a star because Chelsea wouldn't join us lolol.

(Several missing years - I think I may have normalized for a bit.)

On the left, Danyah-Marisa Spring 2010 Velociraptor Photoshoot. We are so beautiful. And our feet were so high from the ground once we got in that tree. This was just an instinctual shot. On the right, Jamie's 20th birthday dinner, Danyah and I wore converse, obviously a picture ensued.

End of freshman year...this was a good idea according to everyone there. (Note Megan Jamie Andrea and me lolz.)

Now for some more random pictures I have taken of my feet in the past yearish, just to show you how prevalent this trend is. There are several more pictures which you've probably already seen if you've ever looked at my photo albums on Facebook. But after all that's said and done, please, don't think that I love feet. And please don't show yours to me. Also, the title is in reference to Gaga because I am so so so cool.

froyo > frogurt

I have several things to say about frozen yogurt. First, it is delicious. Second, it is so expensive. Third, it fills such a niche in our society today in that it serves the same function as ice cream but is healthier, which is perfect for our body-conscious culture. It works so well as a social event because everyone loves it and most people don't feel bad consuming it. Fourth, please don't ever call it frogurt as that makes you sound like a tool; it is froyo or frozen yogurt thank you very much. Fifth, I am very curious as to why it is suddenly a thing. I remember growing up that there was always a TCBY across the street from one of our local movie theaters that I never once went to. That's not to say that I didn't have the desire to go, but we always just got ice cream or frozen custard and that was that. So why has froyo experienced such popularity in the past year, especially considering the recession?

(Pro tip: Google trends is a great way to procrastinate and learn about correlation at the same time; just don't confuse any of it for causation.)

Well, it seems like it has something to do with the recession, actually. Though I haven't found any causation or even correlational data to support it, there is something to be said for the claim that people eat more desserts during recessions (or during hard times in general). And that linked story makes a great point that the self-serve aspect of many of these stores makes it easy for people who want to save money feel like they are doing so by only serving themselves a small amount of the delicious concoction to purchase.

Ok, enough analysis. Now let's talk about me again. So I first had frozen yogurt almost a year ago when my new friends Willski and Tayror discovered a Berrybody in Williamsburg. But wait, you are thinking, that didn't open until the fall?! You are correct in your confusion - but this is because there are two of these stores in Williamsburg. The colonial location opened in the fall and has been the bane of my wallet ever since. But the first one is located on John Tyler Highway, about 4 miles from campus. Anyway...I tried it and I was in love.

My second froyo experience, after multiple visits to Berrybody, was with Sweet Frog. Now, I had been hearing ALL ABOUT this place from my suitemates who probably went a combined 20 times since the time that it opened in New Town this spring (sadly replacing Maggie Moo's). So I had some very high expectations. It was self-serve and had multiple flavors so I was very excited. And I have to say that I was disappointed. I went with my roommate during finals and it was...decent. But it was more like frozen custard and less like the delicious tart treat that I had come to expect. The flavors made it seem more like ice cream and it was just too sweet. Though it was nice to be able to try different toppings, these too diluted the powerful though simple impact of tart froyo with strawberries.

Finally, in nova I have now tried Pinkberry, Josie's and Yolly Molly. All of these were positive experiences in general. But now I am going to rank my favorite froyo locations so that you all don't have to try every single one of them like me (there are still several that I have to try, but now at least I know what I like).

1. Yolly Molly (Fairfax Town Center). Now maybe it's just because I had it this afternoon, but this is what I would like every froyo experience to be like. It is self-serve and you pay by the ounce. There are good fruity and chocolatey toppings. There is a great tart flavor but there are also some unusual flavors if you want to mix it up (like peanut butter and a fantastic pomegranate). And there was absolutely no line! They also serve coffee and smoothies and seem like a very nice little cafe for such a cursed location (I have seen like seven different ice cream shops there).
2. Berrybody (Prince George Street). I would say the best quality in terms of taste and texture (taste was about the same as YM), but you are limited in your choices. You get one of three sizes and flavors and then you get three toppings. This is actually probably a good thing, because too many flavors/toppings doesn't give you a unified theme or experience and it's kind of all over the place. It would be like mixing bacon and cake batter and s'mores and apples and french fries. Obviously these are all fantastic tastes, but together it is a little sketch. So anyway, overall an A-. Also there is not a lot of seating options, but that's really nbd. Also, overpriced especially since you can't do it by weight.
3. Pinkberry (Fairfax Corner, though there are more nationwide). Solid performance, though not as yummy as Berrybody. There are several flavors, but you can't control how much of each you get. You can get as many toppings as you like, but again I see this as kind of a negative thing. But they are very good toppings! On the very negative side, this is quite the hotspot, there is always a line and there are never available seats. Quite good for business, quite bad for patrons. Solid B though - you can't go too wrong with froyo.
4. Sweet Frog (New Town, also now Greenbriar). Maybe it's just because I wanted to try too many flavors, but I wasn't that impressed with the taste of any of them. Nicely done by weight, definitely cheaper than Yolly Molly (I don't know much about the prices of any of these but I think it's a fairly significant difference). Definitely good, but a little too sweet and not enough tart for me, hence the ranking.
5. Josie's (University Mall). Don't let the ranking really deter you - really, all of these are delicious! But compared to the others this was basically the same and kind of out of the way. I would say it was essentially the same experience as Sweet Frog, though I like the cup/bowls better here (plastic). Lots of flavors, self-serve, several healthier options. Good good good. Just not outstanding. Mid-range price, too. Though the chairs are little orange blobs that are a bit strange.

So that's my take. Obviously I value the delicious tart flavor and I haven't really paid much attention to the prices because I know that it's never really worth it to pay $4-8 for a single serving of dessert, but whatever, it's summer, it's hot, it's a treat. I should maybe just try to not get any tonight.

things that live in my room

• me, on breaks from school.
• a ladybug on my ceiling. something about my room attracts ladybugs like nobody's business. they are always on my walls and around my windows, just chilling. I have learned to live with them. this is actually a big deal - if you have ever been around me for more than an hour at a time you will have realized that I can spot bugs like NOBODY'S business. I am so good at finding spiders. I can hear flies from across buildings. if there is an insectoid in the general vicinity of me it is a race to see which will happen first: I will spot it or it will attack me. and I always win. I also have a very rational fear of a ladybug getting stuck in my ear after this happened to my brother. but for some reason I am ok with this red blob living next to my fan, staring me down, because I guess I know that if I don't do anything to it, it will leave me alone. hopefully.
• half of my sister's clothing.
• my old computer which now runs on linux. my dad asked me if I was ok with this transition and I said sure, but I forgot that my ipod was synced up with that itunes library and I started over with the one on my laptop, so now I can't get any new music on my ipod because I don't want it to lose all of the great music it has now (which is to say all of my draco and the malfoys and like some coheed and cambria...it is a very eclectic representation of my middle/high school tastes). but it has a cool linuxy screensaver now, and I imagine I could use it if I felt like learning some new interface.
• one of those cardboard boxes from the book release of the deathly hallows that was used to hold the books and which I got fo' free from the book store just by asking for it. what a great and useful souvenir! it is just sitting on my floor and holding other old things in it.
• an office calendar from 2009. it is still on my bulletin board because I don't have anything new to put up there and also it is a little bit hard to get to now that I have a third bookshelf in my room halfway covering it. speaking of which, on this third bookshelf I have so many notebooks and papers from high school.
• candles. I have so many random little candles that I can't move myself to get rid of even though I kind of hate candles. I am so scared of matches and lighters so I hate that aspect of them, but they aren't even the kind with great smells, so what is the point? I just think they are dumb. so please don't get me any little candles because they will only collect dust. this is the number one thing that I plan on saving money on when I am older. I will not buy frivolous decorations like candles. I will only receive them as gifts which I will slightly resent.
• ten THIRTEEN pillows. does this sound excessive to you? I think I probably need a maximum of four pillows, two on each side of my bed. but I am ok with this since I have no headboard so instead I have a mound to lean back on.
• a purple beanbag. why I thought that I needed one of these is now escaping my memory, but I really wanted it at some point in my life. all the cool kids had bean bags. but now they just seem so low to the ground and not that comfortable.
• several cans of paint for the redecoration of my room. this is exciting. but I'm not sure which colors are going where so stay tuned for stories of this ongoing venture.
• my clean laundry. this is the first time in probably eight months that I have done laundry and not immediately put it away. I retrieved it from the basement on monday and thought, Marisa, let's be smart and save this for tuesday morning so that I have something to do on tuesday. this seemed like a brilliant plan, since it would have been a waste to stay up late and do it. but then I slept in because I could and then I was hanging out with the ginge all day. I got home and thought again, Marisa, I could finish folding this tonight, or I could watch glee. so I watched glee and gave Katie advice on cleaning her room. and then I ran into the same problem: I thought, I could just save this for wednesday morning! who doesn't want to have a task to do in the morning? it is the best. I would feel so productive. it was a great plan. and then, wednesday morning came and I slept in. and then I was hanging out all day. I could have done it at night but then I had to watch modern family. and then I just decided to save it for this morning. which leads us to today, right now. I thought, well Marisa, old friend, it is now well overdue for this laundry to get folded. but then I realized I hadn't updated my blog in like two whole days. and I also slept in and I still haven't even gotten dressed. so I think that I will probably have time this afternoon. we will see.
• a bat. just kidding. BUT, a bat WAS living inside my window during finals week. this was one of the first stories my dad told me when he came to pick me up. apparently it was a baby bat and, according to several members of my family, was rather cute. it slept between the outside glass and the screen. so then at night when it left my mom opened the window and closed off the outside glass panel so it couldn't get back in. I'm glad it wasn't there while I wanted to sleep, but I would still like to meet him. I try to be friends with the creatures in my room.
• EXCEPT FOR SILVERFISH. these bugs are like my nightmare. they infest my room in I would guess august every year. there will be only one at a time, but once he is killed his brother will take his place, haunting my walls. they are so fast and so creepy and I am afraid to kill them because I think they'll just run away and hide in my walls or my clothes if I try to approach them. so I have to get a parent to take care of them, but they may run away before I can locate a parent. I am not friends with any silverfish, ever. I am not looking forward to this inevitable attack. silverfish, please stay away. you are just as gross as sprickets.
• finally, the last thing I will describe since I know most people will have already lost interest in the things living in my room, is the sticker on my bathroom door. it is an AP sticker from I don't know when, and it has outlasted its usefulness now that I have all of my scores and my sister has taken all of her tests. for those of you who didn't do APs, this is the personal label that we were issued each year in a booklet that identified us so that all of our different exam scores were attributed to the person who took them. it's just like a barcode with some numbers under it. I am sitting here trying to figure out whose it is and from what year it hails...since I used up all of my stickers senior year, it could be from junior or even sophomore year but for some reason I think it's my sister's, but that would make it from last year, and I wasn't here when she took her AP exams unless it was that one time I visited home during finals. but whatever, it is completely irrelevant to life but it is just chilling on the center of the door. maybe I will ask my sister.

ps I felt the need to not capitalize my sentences here because this is a list, though I feel like a terrible person for it in retrospect. this is supposed to be a serious blog, but I feel like capitalizing things in a list takes myself too seriously. I think it is funnier this way and I hope you appreciate my distress. I have also used weird comma splices etc. and you should know that this also distresses me mildly; just keep in mind that I know my grammar rules and am purposely ignoring them. now I sound super pretentious. whatever. the internet really is killing me. I just felt like I should comment on this because in a year I will either be like blah blah blah no punctuation ever yayyyy, OR I will read this and be appalled at myself for succumbing to internet pressure.

accomplishments

Yesterday:

• completed the viewing of 9 episodes of the office, starting off from when the semester began and finishing the entire season. so good.
• successfully facebooked five people at once, chatting with two people with the same first name without getting them confused.
• planned so many epic hangs for this week alone.
• numerated and prioritized all of my goals for the summer, color-coordinating them and setting deadlines to encourage my timely completion of them.
• did my laundry, again. I swear it is like every time I turn around there is more laundry to be done.
• didn't forget to take my vitamins.

Today:

• became champion of disney villain monopoly with only six properties to my name.
• filled my tank with exactly $60.00 worth of gas.
• made my own tea.
• avoided all fruits and vegetables (minus some pineapples on my pizza).
• found the BEST BLOG EVER.
• realized that a song I like was about the economy, score!
• remembered my tumblr lolol.

rockbridge

Rockbridge is this awesome camp that my intervarsity chapter, as well as chapters from other schools in the virginia/carolina area, gets to go to right after finals for a week. I was somewhat required to go last year for training as a new small group leader and I enjoyed it so much that there was very little doubt in my mind that I would go back this year. I wasn't sure exactly which track I should sign up for, since part of me felt like I should learn what the evangelism track had to say, but when I saw that there was a new track called identity transformed, I knew that was the one for me.

To give you some further insight than what you need to know, I am almost always conscious of my "identity" or the way that I usually think of it, my personality. I think about it a lot in terms of character development and the way that I interact with others, since that's the main way that as an author you can convey what's going on inside a person. It's something I have pontificated in poems dating back to ninth grade and which has shaped my views of literature and entertainment for as long as I can remember having analytic thoughts of such things. I don't think that this makes me particularly unique, but I will say that from what I've gathered from others I probably think about this more regularly than normal people. I am constantly searching for characters with real depth who care about the core of their identity - what makes them tick, if you will. I mean, I like those people in real life too, but characters are easier to deal with without getting onto the messy subject of me and I can self-analyze without someone else probing my life.

So I signed up for this track and then I finished my semester and moved back home for three days then went to Rockbridge. First of all, I had a fantastic time and I love my community and I missed those who weren't there. All that aside, I learned a lot of things that I had been hiding from myself. I won't get into all the details because I think I could articulate it better in a conversation, and I don't really want random people knowing all sorts of weird things about me, but there are a few takeaways that I'd like to share and which I didn't think would be succinct enough for chapter sharing time.

We did a lot of cool studies using Colossians, Genesis, and other books to look at the original plan for humanity and then the idea of putting off our old selves and becoming hidden in Christ, or putting on a new identity in him. So at the end of the week we wrote false identities on post-it notes and tore them up and wrote our true identities on another post-it to keep with us. The false identity I chose - one which I sort of believe about myself but which isn't what I'm supposed to really identify with - is that I'm abnormal. I think that this is a pretty loaded word so I'm going to explain what I mean. I've always felt a little like the odd one out, and though that's a fairly common sentiment it goes back pretty far for me. I mean, I'm the middle child, the only blonde in my family, the one who just wanted to go in a corner and read upside down and eat salads and just in general be kind of weird. I wanted to wear toe socks with flip flops just to be controversial and I like Justin Bieber because it is so cool to call him a little kid and hate him but it is so much more fun to be difficult and like him. Like I've said before some of this is a conscious effort to be different. But being different and being abnormal are not quite the same, so it's a sort of negative thing to be abnormal...as if I wasn't made to overly think through things and sort people by the colors of their personalities or alphabetize my cd's. As if these neuroses were unhealthy and as if there was some clear definition of normal which I just didn't measure up to. It plays into my feelings of being awkward transitioning from homeschooling to public high school and the twang of pride but also isolation when people say good for me for being an econ major. It's not like any of these experiences are completely and utterly unique to me, but combined they make me feel a bit abnormal.

The second thing is that sometimes I feel unhuman. I sure hope other people feel like this too. But sometimes I feel unemotional, and sometimes I feel like I know more than everyone else (though then I step back and realize it's all in my head and I need a reality check), and sometimes the abnormality just dehumanizes me. I can become less human or more than human in my head. This is obviously bad. If I am less than human then I do not deserve grace. If I am more than human, then I am elevating myself and my ego is way overblown. When I think this way, I deny the basic needs of humanity and essentially I deny my need for Christ. But this week God showed me that I absolutely have the same emotional needs as everyone else, and I saw this in a variety of ways. Just as personality theory taught me, I have a need for achievement, a need for affiliation and a need for power (though I think this one is not a super big deal for me). (See David McClelland's need theory.)

I have all of these human constraints and it makes me feel like I'm doing an econ problem, but I have to maximize my utility of life function subject to my humanity. Obviously hiding myself in Christ puts me on a higher utility curve because he's not human. When you take whatever you want to strive for and you try to get to it through your own means, you will do it very badly. I may make a lot of money or surround myself with decently nice people, but I still need achievement and I still need affiliation and I still need meaning and I still need direction, I still need love. God provides me with all of these things in a way that no one else can, especially myself. But to let him do this I need to recognize my humanity and allow others to fulfill my need for affiliation because he never meant for us to go through life on our own.

(See larger image, created by yours truly, but only really interesting/understandable if you know about consumer choice.)

So my new identity, the one I'm choosing to adopt, along with clothing myself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience (Colossians 3:12), is that I am the unique but very human creation of the God of the universe, not a mistake, not misplaced. Although I am unique I am not abnormal. Although I am human, that is precisely the way that God created me and it is not my fault but I am not complete without him either. I need God just as much as I need other people, and I can't live without either in just the same way that I can't live without food. One of the ways that I see God's love is through his children, through the love that we demonstrate to one another, and though it is not perfect it is way better than human attempts at love which we see in movies as showing up at an airport or remembering a trinket. It is the kind of love that sacrifices, and Christ was the ultimate sacrifice, giving his life for me though I am so far from perfect or even "good" that it goes beyond my comprehension that he would do such a thing. Our sacrifices are much smaller but the Christian community, and specifically the intervarsity chapter at w&m, is one of sacrificial love, something which I have not seen matched in other settings. And finally, I am precisely where God wants me to be - in the family he created, with the friends he put in my life, on the campus he wants me to be at right down to the room I'll be living in next year. I am so excited to see the fruit to be born in the fall - though this summer is not a mistake or a time to be thrown away, either.

So that's a bit of what Rockbridge was about. Also, grades and jobs and relationships and everything else that is broken in my life don't define me. And God mends these things and creates new and better things.

moving home

There are a lot of changes when you move home from school, no matter how long the length of your different stays. There are lots of benefits and lots of annoyances, ie, there are pros and cons! Which as you should know are one of my favorite kinds of lists to make.

• Pro: yesterday I had old oreos for breakfast...today I had pecan bread french toast and hot tea, and it was already cut up for me!
• Con: my roommate called me this morning and was cleaning our bathroom, and I was sad.
• Pro: I had fried rice for dinner and there are lots of brownies and chocolates at my disposal.
• Con: there are so many chocolatey temptations and no outlets for exercise.
• Same: I got to sleep in.

• Pro: last night I got to start watching Friday Night Lights with my sister, a so far entertaining diversion of my time.
• Con: I didn't get to be interrupted while watching tv by my roommate laughing at a video she was watching.
• Pro: I kind of have a car again!
• Con: I have to share said car.
  

• Pro: free laundry!
• Con: there is no elevator for the transportation of said laundry.
• Pro: my mom did half my laundry.
• Con: I didn't get to run into any Landrum friends while doing laundry.
  
• Pro: I don't have to worry about my laundry getting stolen or dirty overnight.
• Same: I do my laundry at all hours of the night.
  

• Pro: I got to go to the Cheese Shop with my dad yesterday...
• Con: this was only after moving approximately 16 containers either to the car or to the attic.
• Pro: I got to hang out with my dad all day.
• Con: this was still after moving all of those boxes...so I was very tired.
• Pro: I got to organize my belongings into appropriate containers.
• Con: I had to say bye to my Christmas tree for three months.

• Pro: there is no mildew in my shower.
• Con: there are lots of my sister's empty shampoo bottles.
• Pro: no one was waiting for me to get out of the shower.
• Con: there is no room in the medicine cabinet for any of my things.
  
• Same: I had to get toilet paper because the roll was empty.

spring 2011

is over. As in, I am moving out tomorrow and am mostly packed up and ready to leave this whole semester behind! But not without first blogging.

JANUARY:

we had that pizza party like the first day everyone was back and I spent like $42 in flex (I still have $16 left...pizza tonight? or see what kinds of gum are leftover?). it was legit. then I went to my first classes and discovered walex wasn't in my class and was really sad. and then we had the iv leadership day and amanda and katie and I all wore blue plaid! then everything started back up and I actually made it out to late night prayer and it was exciting. taylor and I had pokemonz time. summer reunion dinner started. e-team met and we decided it would be feasible to have saturday brunches together.

FEBRUARY:

I went to like one family dinner. fasa culture night was super legit and diana didn't break anything. I went to the bcm house for the first time for the superbowl; I tried candied bacon and fell in love, but I didn't stay for the second half of the game. ashley and I actually went to the rec center. taylor and I made pokevalentines. we had multiple game nights and I was such a good great dalmuti. I had a night of mayhem followed by packaging food for stop hunger now and then asian potter which turned into watching a very potter musical with jamie and natalie (we still need to watch the sequel!). I joined the historian committee! there were several iv girls events around valentine's day and I developed an intense love for justin bieber which culminated in the watching of never say never in an empty movie theater (except for me, jb's bffl, my twin and jb's future wife). I finally went to the musc with helen. marigene and I got lots of coffee. we watched the first young indiana jones! I was agatha for campus golf lol nbd. I stayed at escort forever just to see chrisdao. I studied at swem once. I made failcakes for marigene's surprise party and then we club swemmed. I finally saw tangled and we had the first LEGIT meeting where everyone decided this was a good name.

MARCH:

I asked for s'more s'mores and I got them. I went to camden and learned to do the opposite of what kelliann wants and that not everyone is like thornton and that helen is very inappropriate and that julia can eat anything with peanut butter and that ryan purposely raises expectations to disappoint them and that lucille can fit way more goldfish in her mouth than I can. and of course that God can use anyone and that good can come from bad places (nazareth...). my small group got to make dinner for worship team at sarah's house and then I followed my casserole to the lock-in. I learned about ecumenism. I faced my fear of throwing things at iv unplugged. I had a very dramatic hair cut but I actually got to donate my hair. I got brunch with hannah and we watched scrubs, kind of. I learned that cheese>chocolate at dani's house and about what makes me angry at speed dating. I learned about slaves in historic williamsburg. I had the best registration ever with megan and katelyn. I left camden reunion dinner early to go see BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY and I got to see abby tie a bow tie several times.

APRIL:

I got to bring kennis to apo formal and sing disney songs with catherine and katie and then ate so much pizza with my suite. I became friends with julie at sectionals and learned that weeing is sometimes not appropriate. I went home and got to see the cherry blossoms and watch I shouldn't be alive with melanie and jane eyre with chelsea. we had small group outside and then thought of secrets at postsecret and then were those kids and had our composites taken. I got to go to arthi's radio show debut and then chapter retreat where medina and I bonded like chemicals. I revisited childhood by watching the court jester with lj. then DRESS WEEK/big appreciation week started, only one of which was seen to completion. I got to go dress shopping with natalie and grab coffee with haset and got qdoba twice in one week. I had the best king and queen's date ever and got to chat up a bunch of admitted students. I experienced my first im game (from the sideline of course) and discovered the best muffins ever. I learned to skip readings for the first time and how to make use of the sara center. brandon and I spent ten hours looking at google docs. megan and jamie and I sent our hopes and dreams into the sky a la tangled-inspired lanterns. I got a horseshoe crab shell playing bigger and/or better. medina and I had our first work day experience, and it was quite a bit of work. I slept through the first half of screen on the green but finally saw true grit. we had an awesome twin appreciation week and celebrated the end of it with abby. benton, ashley and I had an impromptu harry potter party. I made cookies, a cake, cupcakes and then 6 more cakes in one week. I got sick right before pancake house. but then experienced the awesomeness of pancake house! we finally had an iv sophomore class bonding event over amazing delicious fantastic ice cream.

MAY:

I got to be photographed by dani and maggie. I studied lots but lots less than I should have. megan and jamie and I started an awesome tavern tradition. we had a mayhem family photoshoot and a lunch bunch reunion dinner. I finally tried sweet frog with abby and then made an apple pie for walex's half birthday, which he didn't even remember. then I got to see carbon leaf with awesome people. I had two overlapping beach days and took over 100 photos...intense. then I got to have plaza azteca with jamie, taylor and ellen! jamie and I unintentionally matched for three days in a row. I got to help out at the iv senior banquet and I was not ok with people leaving. then I made bacon and cookie monster cupcakes which were adorable. finally I got to see emily and started blogging again and got nawab with sarah! and then a successful ice cream adventure later, langton still left his tie in my room.

the end. summer!!!

two mottos

I was going to have a straightforward and succinct post on an important topic for once, but then I started typing and found that "mottos" isn't an accepted word according to Google Chrome. So then I was curious and found that "motto" is actually an Italian word but it's of course from Latin. The "correct" plural form is "mottoes" but both are acceptable and I think the latter looks like a weird kind of tomato-y word.

Anyway, there are all kinds of interesting things to say about motto...s, but I think that the important thing to remember is to both take them literally and not to take them too seriously. If we don't take them literally, then there is no point except for image-enhancement, which is to say that we can protect our egos by saying that we are "ever serving" or we like to turn on lights. But some of the ones told to us by the popular media just don't make sense...I would consider them to be slogans more than mottos, but wikipedia tells me otherwise and no matter how much people tell me not to trust that website, I can't help myself. I go there for all of my questions to be answered (how many episodes of How I Met Your Mother did I miss? What is a Seleucid? When was Stacie Orrico famous and why did I not know that one of her videos includes a Glee cast member? Speaking of which, how old is Darren Criss?). I use it to study, sure. I have only seen one case of blatant falseness on wikipedia and that was, if I recall correctly, when Deathly Hallows (the book) was released and obviously there were rumors and fake facts all over that page.

Anyway. Mottos. Take them literally. Take them to heart. But don't get too wrapped up in them at the expense of other good things. Now, to get to my real point, there were two mottos that I grew up with. I'm sure there were others, but there were two that were repeated countless times by my parents and which I've since come to realize helped shape who I am today.

1. Obey, be kind and make the other person happy. We were constantly told this. Whenever my sister and I fought because we were wearing the same dress and we hated to be matching, my mom would step in and say this (or we may have recalled it and told it to each other...). And then we would both end up changing. Whenever we did anything that caused drama or hurt someone else we would be reminded of this and then we would feel bad so we would apologize. This is still something that I try to live by, though I guess I probably forgot about it for ten years. But it really makes everything go better. There is nothing nicer than making the other person happy, and it makes you feel like a stellar person, so it's a win-win!
2. Why be normal? This one comes from my dad (huge surprise). It's also the name of a Canadian sketch comedy show which aired from 1998 to 1999 (thanks, wikipedia!). But I think that may be a coincidence. Anyway, if obedience (and submission, gentleness, kindness, goodness, gifts of the spirit, etc.) characterizes one aspect of my personality, and if I had to come up with a way to explain the other aspect of me, it would be by this motto (and I would hypothesize that between the two of these mottos, the R-value would be around .87, though some of it is an interaction so I couldn't accurately divide up the explanatory power). But really. I hate being normal. I hate being mainstream. I love being hipster, but not really hipster, since they're all kind of too similar to me. I just want to be an individual and I just don't see the point in being normal. This is maybe due to my dad saying this a lot.

So there you have it. Marisa explained in 13 words (obey, be kind and make the other person happy. and why be normal?), because I like things that come in sets of 13. Why? Because other people find it to be unlucky, and of course it being my birthday doesn't hurt. But mostly because other people don't like it. I'm kind of scared that people who read this will now be able to accurately predict everything I do, or at the very least understand everything, but don't worry: I am constantly fluctuating between nice and weird and there is very little discernible reason for why I act in either way in any given situation (which is to say, I don't even understand it). It's probably due to conditioning.

I do not sleep

EVER. That's actually false. But after eating so many cookies and so much bacon tonight, I don't much feel like sleeping. I would like an adventure which requires very little mental strain and even less physical velocity, so essentially a trippy but easy to follow movie would be nice. Unfortunately everyone went to sleep for exams or because they are normal and I can't think of a suitable movie to watch.

Today I was very domestic and made oreo-stuffed chocolate chip cookies, Cookie Monster cupcakes, food for a banquet and bacon. It was nice and all but it meant that I spent about six hours in kitchens so I am very tired of black and white tiled floors now.

I don't want to pack everything up because it means that I am going home soon, but it also has become inconvenient because since I packed up a few things on Saturday night (which was just part of a normal weekend of relaxing for me...) I've already had to go into those boxes three different times and that's even more annoying because I have to pack, unpack and repack KNOWING that everything CAN fit into that one box but being unable to achieve this goal again since everything has shifted around and settled into weird crevices. So I would suggest to my future self not to pack until all of my sleepover guests have arrived and all of my cupcakes are made. But I think it is always safe to pack up scarves and sweaters in May, though granted I live in Williamsburg so I wouldn't count on any weather predictions as rules to live by.

Also, it will be rainy in Rockbridge again, which could be the name of a cool song or something, but which also makes me a little bit sad. Blobbing will be occurring. And I will blog about my blobbing. It will be great. Now I am tired of hearing my own fingers type so I will maybe sleep or maybe do some mental math now that most of my exams are done and I need to start obsessing over the state of my final grades.

why I love harry potter

There are many reasons to love Harry Potter: magic, so many gingers, cool accents, funny words, awkwardness, empathy, childhood memories. But none of these explain why it induces AHHHH levels of excitement in me or why I have dressed up for every book/movie release since 2004. The interesting part of this story is that I didn't read the books until I was 14. Most people grew up with these characters or else never really got into the franchise, but I'm the first to admit that I was the last one on this bandwagon. I was pretty anti-HP before that time and it held no appeal to me: books about an orphan who does magic and has to save the world...cool. It sounded pretty terrible and also I hate being mainstream so I was pretty chill not reading any of the books or seeing any of the movies. And then in eighth grade I had to read them for school (for a comparison with Lord of the Rings and, ironically, Eragon, which I thought at the time was a really awesome book). And I was not a fan of this proposition, but I did it. And within about two paragraphs I was a fan. I read the first book in a day and then the second the next day, then I had to go back to the library to get the third (which I started in line at the library). And while I had to wait for the ride to the library (back in the days of pre-driving Marisa), in those perhaps seven hours, I was desperate for more Harry Potter. It was like I had tasted the most expensive drug and needed more to survive.

So I started reading some fanfiction. This turned out to be a very strange decision since I first read a story post-Sirius' death, who was a character I hadn't even been introduced to at the time. So I was very confused but intrigued by this collection of stories online and the people who wrote them: those which speculated past the end of the fifth book, those filling in missing scenes from the series, those in the MWPP era (aka the Marauders aka Harry's parents). And so after I finished reading the fifth book, which I also barely put down for food, I started writing some of my own. I was an aspiring novelist at the time (since then I've written five novels nbd) so I wrote all kinds of lengthy pieces, and then I started writing some random short stories, and before long I was part of the community. I reviewed other people's stories and talked about my troubles with procrastinating writing and so on. I engaged in numerous speculative debates before HBP and then after its release analyzed Snape's motivations to no end. It was glorious. There were House Cup competitions (I switched from Ravenclaw to Hufflepuff.) There were endless threads of conversation about the upcoming books and movies, there were graphics made (my introduction to photoshop), there were smiley face wars, there was constructive criticism, there were countless late night chats, and I did a little bit of everything throughout the rest of middle and high school.

So that's all to say that my love for Harry Potter is about a set of amazing tales which provide ample room for both escapism and community engagement. I can spout off any number of facts about the wizarding world for your entertainment because I legitimately love these books, characters, plots, illustrations, chapter titles, spells, family trees, professors, etc. and it has nothing to do with the magic that they practice and everything to do with the magic of reading and shared experience.

I am going to be slightly devastated when HP7pt2 comes out (July 15) because there will be no more speculation, no more mystery, no more questions from "have they even casted Aberforth?" to "can anyone explain what was going on with Draco's ownership of the Elder Wand?" I realized upon the release of the final book (2007) that the fanfiction world was crumbling, that with Harry's future set for him we had little left to elaborate on. That's not to say there's nothing left to explore, but I found that my time spent reading and writing was coming to a close. And now my love of Harry Potter must come to one of its final chapters: I will soon own all 8 DVDs and have no more releases to wait upon. There won't be a next obsession to the same extent, since I've grown up in the last six and a half years and don't have the time for walks in the forest with Hagrid or midnight adventures with James and Remus or any other made up characters. But I can still read a book in one sitting, both revisiting these favorites and discovering new stories from different authors, and I can still count on the friends I made based on a mutual love of the Boy Who Lived.

color relations

This is one of my favorite subjects. This was inspired by my friend Chelsey like five years ago (but actually, 2005, 6 years ago, I was so little, nbd) but it was something that I had done without thinking for a while. Since then I've been doing it even more. What is "it"? Matching people and colors, obviously!

Now I can only envy people who are real synesthetes (and wonder about how they function, sensory overload much?), but I think that this is really cool anyway and I feel pretty bad for colorblind people because I can't imagine making sense of life without color coordination. Before I talk about people and colors, can I just say that color coordination is really awesome? I've talked with a few people about assigning subjects in school to certain colors, and obviously this is becoming more prevalent thanks to technology - e.g. look at Google calendar, gmail, etc. and you can see how easy it is to colorganize your life (yes I just made that word up, yes I think it's awesome, no I don't think I'll be saying it aloud any time soon). For example, everything InterVarsity in my life is green, and I think this is for several reasons. First, I just think of green. Second, the green Pancake House t-shirts are the pinnacle of cool. Third, our website used to be black and green. Fourth, it can be both bright and serious and I just think it's perfect for IV. This has gotten to the point that other people's calendars confuse me and just look wrong. So don't show me your calendar unless you plan on its sensibilities being critiqued by me.

Ok, to continue on this tangent since I think it's interesting and this is my blog after all, let's go back to subjects in school and I'll tell you the right colors in case you're looking to colorganize your life some more. Now, I'm one of those crazy twamps who has had my classes scheduled out since June 2009 (the month of my high school graduation) and obviously this requires some color to make sense out of it. So I've since matched some of my notebooks to the colors in my excel course plan, but I was more into the matching notebooks in high school. Anyway, here are the colors and their explanations:

• Economics = purple. Now it used to be a red but since then it's become purple in my mind due to conditioning because I wanted to see more purple in my spreadsheet, and also because math was already red (though a darker one). But I think it fits. I've always considered it as a combination of math and English, and though it's more of math and psychology now that I think of it, this was where the color came from (wherein English is obviously a blue). So it's a combination of red and blue, but it's also fitting, since it's a fairly intuitive science and purple is ALL about intuition and mystery and cognition. But it's also dismal, and purple is kind of depressing when it's in a nice gray shade! So it's basically perfect.
• Math = red. Now this is not a bright red unless it's algebra. It's a darker thing, but it's all about hard rules and following logical paths which is just so red. It's like a STOP sign. But it's also like a fire extinguisher. As it gets more nebulous it gets more gray in my mind.
• English = blue. This is beyond obvious. This is like...incontrovertible fact. I mean. I'm trying to explain it. It's not a turquoise in any way, it's a pretty pure blue; it's about thoughts and words, and cognition is just a blue concept (also pretty gray when it's about intelligence). If this doesn't make sense we can debate it further, but otherwise just trust me, English is blue.
• Psychology = orange. This is another product of my spreadsheet beautification, but it fits the science aspect of it really well. Science you might think would be green, but only environmental science is green, silly! Chemistry is surely a yellow and so psychology makes sense as an orange to me. It has experimental aspects and it's, to me, all about explaining personalities, and some of the most fun personalities are orange, so it's just perfect.
• Government = green. Like a puke green. This is not because I hate government, but seriously, it fits.
• Physics = a kind of purple.
• Sociology = a yellowy-brown.
• Spanish = red (brighter than math).
• Russian = gray.
• French = a custardy yellow.
• Business = highlighter yellow.
• Biology = a kind of brick red.
• etc., etc.

Obviously each individual course has its own shade, but these are the families of colors that I personally associate with these departments. There are several I have omitted for the sake of brevity (lolz at me being succinct) but I do have associations for most subjects by now. But I'm not going to make something up if it's not there. For example, religious studies has a very distinct feel which I want to call a kind of blue or green, but not bright, but I don't have the right picture in my mind so I'm not going to go there. But it's not a seafoam so stop picturing that.

ANYWAY, certain personality types relate to certain colors. They are fairly self-explanatory. They are so useful for making sense of people (it's like that moment you find out someone is the same major as you, and they suddenly seem so much more rational to you. Or maybe that's just an econ major thing). Some people don't have colors and I can't just immediately know someone's color (even if I've known them a long time). Sometimes they change. They're just useful for a time. If this makes no sense to you, then you keep being an aloof auburn or a lofty lapis lazuli for all I care (alliteration for the lolz). But think about it, and perhaps you will start seeing it too.

A quick guide:

• Red is all about robustness and personality and it can be really deep or really silly depending on shade.
• Yellow is super into other people: friendly, helping, listening, being supportive, observing (see it's not all about being talkative or an extrovert).
• Blue is kind of the opposite: it's deep but it has more personal boundaries and likes to stay in its own head. Not necessarily an introvert, but a thinker.

And there are all kinds of combinations and everyone is their own unique shade (and sometimes they're kind of like two colors swirled together which don't necessarily mix; the colors remain distinct and preserve their own personalities). Everything mixes in weird ways. But it is so helpful to figure out someone else's color. It's kind of like learning their secret name (like in Bartimaeus). You have power over them!! But not really anything to be frightened of, it's just the power of empathy.

being worked on

The things in my life that are being worked on....are uncountable. Or are they denumerable? All I know is that they are infinite. They are probably denumerable then. If I were God I could probably write a bijection between the things in my life and the set of natural numbers. That would be a pretty sick nasty looking equation though.

So I'm not going to try to number them, is what I'm saying. Let's just go for bullet points!

• I'm working on my attitude toward the summer and the interim of patience which is required of me but right now I just want to know what I'm doing and be able to tell everyone about how great my plans are and how awesome I am.
• I'm afraid that if I do get this legit job then I'll just be like, look guys, I was so patient, I just trusted in God's plan and it all worked out. Which is good because it gives the credit to God, which is where any and all credit lies. But it is bad because I have not been so good at being patient. As much as I try.
• My being patient is actually a conundrum of sorts. I am aware that I need to be patient and I am making efforts toward being at peace. But I am also aware that I would like to be impatient and I would like to have fast answers. So there is a me vs. I situation, I think.
• And so far we've hit two of my subjects this year! (Social psych and obviously foundations of math....) I've really been enjoying seeing how math applies to my life in so many random ways. It's really cool. Who knows where this minor/major in math will go.
• Trusting other people with my thoughts....this is a huge work in progress though, check back in a few years and we'll talk about the process.
• Valuing other people for their uniqueness. Like, ok, I know everyone offers different things and we were all created for different reasons and positions in life and whatnot. But I obviously think that I was made the best. Why wouldn't I think that - my brain is the one doing the evaluating here! But no. Everyone is awesome and I love everyone (I sound like Kelliann now ;)); but seriously that is some cool symmetry. But actually I'm really learning to value other people and it's so hard to express all of my love for their differences sometimes.
• You could say that I'm developing a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. This is not to say that there are animal spirits (except for in macroeconomics) but this is about goodness. It's pretty cool. Check out the Message version of Galatians 5.
• I have been so good about eating fruits this week. Almost as good as I have been about eating ice cream. So many flex points! But such a strange diet.
• I am so so so excited for the identity track at Rockbridge.
• Pancake House was super awesome and I really got a chance to appreciate so many people in my life (and I guess those not really in my life too). Thanks, God!
• I came to the conclusion that if half the world watched Never Say Never (comes out on DVD May 13, aka my half-birthday), then half the world's problems would disappear. I am kind of not kidding. It is really inspirational and makes me want to do good and love everyone. And also he's Canadian, so he's a pacifist. If everyone watched a movie about a Canadian we would also have fewer problems. I'm just saying. Probably even listening to the Kennis song would do the trick.
• I for serious need a better attitude about studying and learning. I am losing so much motivation. Good thing I have all summer to yearn for classes again!
• I just wanted a 13th bullet point. But I should probably work on getting my obsession with numbers under control.