I don't catch

If you've spent an extended period of time with me, or for some reason have tried throwing something at me to catch, you will undoubtedly have heard the words "I don't catch" come out of my mouth. This is the most extreme form of operant conditioning which I practice on myself and I deemed it worthy of its own post.

To be fair, I also don't throw things. This is really where the subject became a matter of principle so I will have to talk about the two rules in tandem. Travel back with me to senior year of high school. At this point in my life, I have spent years trying and failing to catch things that are thrown at me. I am terrible at softball; I will drop your keys; in short, it is embarrassing for me to attempt to (and fail to) catch literally anything that is thrown my way. Yes, I am naturally extremely uncoordinated. You wouldn't think so to look at my wardrobe (yes, that was a play on words). So 17-year-old Marisa still has some level of patience with attempting to catch things because of social expectations.

Enter the newspaper room now and find everyone throwing things everywhere. Now, these are not important things to be thrown: they are not typically jump drives or folders; rather, they are footballs and wads of paper. This is not ok with me. This is unproductive. This is dangerous. According to my teacher, someone got a pencil stuck in their arm once! This is not ok with me. Being editor-in-chief means that I make the rules. And my number one rule pretty quickly becomes: no throwing. By my nature I do not choose to throw things, so "I don't throw things" isn't so much a rule as it is an explanation. But pretty soon I have to adopt the "I don't catch things" rule in order to be consistent in my life.

Today, four years later, I no longer have to pretend that I think I have the chance of catching something; it's clear that I'm not going to do it and I make no pretenses about it. At this point I think my reflexes are so bad that it would take me years to learn to catch again, if it's even possible anymore. Indeed, instead of dodging something thrown my way I now let it hit me so that the thrower feels bad for not remembering my rule. I am more than happy to cross the room to get/give something, so it's not even a matter of inconvenience for the thrower! Some people still insist on throwing things and I insist on letting them hit me. Maybe it's really silly of me, but it's important to me to stand by your principles, even if it means getting some bruises and getting made fun of--at least I'm minimizing my therbligs.

500 days of somebody that I wished would call me maybe

Interesting thought exercise: suppose for a moment that Carly Rae Jepsen and Gotye were singing about the same relationship. You can pretty easily see how expectations would lead to drastically different results for each of them. While Carly Rae is looking for a fun time, she's also portraying a pretty indifferent side to this guy who she wants to call her (maybe being the operative word here). Gotye was looking for something serious and when that didn't pan out he got seriously depressed and introspective.

Even more interesting thought exercise: look for the similarities between these popularly embraced emotions and the gender roles in the 2009 film 500 Days of Summer (which is one of my favorite favorite favorite movies). In both of these scenarios, the girl is the one looking for independence and the guy is the one looking to settle down. I think this really resonates with our culture because we do value both of these things, but when it comes in the opposite form (girls looking for stability and guys seeking independence) we brush it off as normal or even antiquated. This theme is also featured prominently in How I Met Your Mother in Ted and Robin's characters. Our culture really likes strong women and sensitive men, I think because for so long that just wasn't the standard. When people who are already like this see it in pop culture it validates their feelings! I love Robin's character because, despite or perhaps because of some of her extreme problems from childhood and unhealthy lack of vulnerability, she seems real, and like an extreme version of me. And I can see aspects of Ted in my friends and I think that's great that some people (especially men) can hold on to ideals of romance.

I guess my point was that this is all fine and good in pop culture, but in real life you need to have a clear idea of and honest communication about your expectations if you want to avoid playing Somebody That I Used To Know on repeat for a week and crying every time. Or if you don't want to spend 500 days pining over someone. Or if you don't want to put someone else in that situation. (I'm looking at you, Summer. And Robin. And Carly Rae.)

12 days of bryan

I move out of Bryan in 12 days, and after that I'm home for a bit then right back to Williamsburg to move into Ludwell! Ludwell (or Studwell, as we've deemed it) is an apartment complex that is technically on-campus housing, though it is located off-campus. I'll have access to reslife perks like an RA, a laundry room and fun door tags, but it will still be a huge departure from the dormlife experience I've had for the past three years. This is my last time living in a dorm-dorm, maybe forever? So I'm going to make the most of these days. Here are some things I'll miss (numbers are all approximations):

• 12 cookers cooking (simultaneously in a small kitchen)
• 11 cockroach scares
• 10-degree fluctuations
• 9 Glee parties
• 8 missing forks
• 7 Wawa runs (a week)
• 6-hour conversations
• 5-minute showers
• 4 different roommates
• 3 stalls in every bathroom
• 2 sweet suitemates
• and a pokemon competition!

you didn't build that

I've seen a lot of people recently getting mad at President Obama for his comments in Roanoke, so I thought I would find out the context of his controversial words and I ended up reading his entire speech. Here's the relevant part, with my thoughts to follow:

There are a lot of wealthy, successful Americans who agree with me -- because they want to give something back. They know they didn’t -- look, if you’ve been successful, you didn’t get there on your own. You didn’t get there on your own. I’m always struck by people who think, well, it must be because I was just so smart. There are a lot of smart people out there. It must be because I worked harder than everybody else. Let me tell you something -- there are a whole bunch of hardworking people out there. (Applause.) If you were successful, somebody along the line gave you some help. There was a great teacher somewhere in your life. Somebody helped to create this unbelievable American system that we have that allowed you to thrive. Somebody invested in roads and bridges. If you’ve got a business -- you didn’t build that. Somebody else made that happen. The Internet didn’t get invented on its own. Government research created the Internet so that all the companies could make money off the Internet. The point is, is that when we succeed, we succeed because of our individual initiative, but also because we do things together. There are some things, just like fighting fires, we don’t do on our own. I mean, imagine if everybody had their own fire service. That would be a hard way to organize fighting fires. So we say to ourselves, ever since the founding of this country, you know what, there are some things we do better together. That’s how we funded the GI Bill. That’s how we created the middle class. That’s how we built the Golden Gate Bridge or the Hoover Dam. That’s how we invented the Internet. That’s how we sent a man to the moon. We rise or fall together as one nation and as one people, and that’s the reason I’m running for President -- because I still believe in that idea. You’re not on your own, we’re in this together.

Not gonna lie, this is pretty persuasive to me. I recognize that some businesses have been created from the ground up, not from any government handouts, but the fact remains that they simply could not have been founded in many other times or places. The American system really is great and people often forget about the "free" services and conveniences we have access to, which allow this to be possible. And Obama is correct--we did not build anything from scratch. Every business in this country has, intentionally or not, benefited from some of the "basic freedoms" guaranteed to citizens, whether that's from public education, copyright laws, or basic infrastructure, because every citizen has benefited from these things. Although businesses may be started without explicit government help, the American government has set up all the necessary conditions and provided the necessary tools for businesses/individuals to thrive (like tax cuts for small business owners and every single American history class which teach us the value of entrepreneurship and breed us for the pursuit of the American Dream).

While I'm fairly certain that some NGO's helped develop the internet and that individuals (and not The Government) have made the most progress or the most significant effects on any particular person's life (like the idea of a great teacher somewhere along the road), there is such a thing as a positive externality and the government has capitalized on some great efficiencies (like fire-fighting). This is common enough in the first world today that we don't consider what our life would look like without a lot of government support (post office, police, national security, highways, etc. would be left to the free market and I think a lot of people would find it extremely inconvenient....imagine having to pay a fee for every road you drive on! This used to happen and it was terrible). I don't know much about health care but I'd like to think that it's a similarly efficient step toward freeing people to pursue the so-called American Dream, and I'd like to trust my politicians to know what's the most efficient and fair use of my tax money.

I'm currently reading Radical by David Platt, which calls the American Dream the antithesis to the gospel (disclaimer: I am not done reading it and therefore cannot articulate a complete analysis). While it seems self-absorbed and hypocritical of a Christian to say that they got where they did simply because of their own smartness/work ethic, I think that the American Dream that President Obama is talking about is not a bad thing. Although it doesn't explicitly acknowledge our dependence on God, it does on each other and on the system that we were born into. (I think it's important to note that a lot of people were born in America and feel entitled to certain things, being American citizens, but never acknowledge that their freedom exists because of a lot of spilled blood. This idea has been brought to you by an analogy to the gospel introduced to me by my pastor.) I don't think that the gospel and the American Dream, as outlined below, are mutually exclusive.

And what this reminded me of was that, at the heart of this country, its central idea is the idea that in this country, if you’re willing to work hard, if you’re willing to take responsibility, you can make it if you try.  (Applause.)  That you can find a job that supports a family and find a home you can make your own; that you won’t go bankrupt when you get sick.  That maybe you can take a little vacation with your family once in a while -- nothing fancy, but just time to spend with those you love.  Maybe see the country a little bit, maybe come down to Roanoke.  (Applause.)  That your kids can get a great education, and if they’re willing to work hard, then they can achieve things that you wouldn’t have even imagined achieving.  And then you can maybe retire with some dignity and some respect, and be part of a community and give something back.  (Applause.) That’s the idea of America.  It doesn’t matter what you look like.  It doesn’t matter where you come from.  It doesn’t matter what your last name is.  You can live out the American Dream.  That’s what binds us all together. 

His remarks can be found here.

While I certainly think that living life in response to God and relying on him is more important than relying on my own ability to work hard and then vacation, I really think that our country is great and I am so grateful to live in a place where I trust that my education is relatively unbiased and affordable, and my work prospects are decent. I don't know where I stand politically or who I'll vote for in November, but I thought that this was some interesting rhetoric to consider. I'm not all about the Taking Video Clips Out of Context strategy to select my candidate of choice (or to find things to get upset about).

operant conditioning

I am currently training myself to develop a number of habits, for reasons somewhat ambiguous even to me. I just know that I like being kind of quirky, and that means having weird habits. In order to achieve this goal I have been employing the psychological concept of operant conditioning. Here are some of the things I'm working on:

• take calcium gummies > brush teeth > go to sleep. I have a lot of difficulty making myself go to sleep because I just want to stay awake and be productive or think, even when the lights are off and I should be resting. So I'm trying to wait to take my calcium until I'm very sleepy so that in the future when I take it my body will immediately want to go to bed. So far this has been entirely inefficient. 
• feel nervous > bend fingers. I tend to rip my nails a lot because a) I have weak nails (see:needing calcium gummies) and b) I get bored/nervous and need something to do with my hands. So recently I've been bending my ring fingers as far forward as possible, giving me a distraction and my hands something fun to do (I feel so flexible afterwards!). Status: way too successful. I find myself doing it unintentionally a lot. Unfortunately I'm still ripping my nails, but the positive externality is that the new habit has been really helpful in identifying times when I'm feeling stressed out (as opposed to just bored) due to me intentionally only doing it when I am stressed. Perfect! I love being able to analyze and understand myself. 
• write the letter "a" > put a hat on it (like they appear in times new roman or basically any legit font). I actually gave up on this about two years ago, but I spent a year training myself to do it very consciously so that by the end of the year it came naturally. I thought it would be good because I think that sometimes they look more professional, but I realized that it was just too much work (I have two of them in my name...I'm not about spending up to 20% more time every time I write my name). When I one day stopped doing it, I congratulated myself on a successful year and never looked back. 
• get bored? > drink camelbak. all day erry day drink my camelbak. I used to be really bad at hydrating myself, but ever since the purchase of my camelbak I have seen a significant increase in my water imbibition. I even reach for it (and sip it) when there's no water left (a few drops of water are better than no water...?). I just need to remember to fill it up more often/motivate myself to go all the way downstairs to the water fountain, and I'll be able to call this a success. 
• lock car > sing the chorus to Miike Snow's Animal. I'm not sure why this started but it has been wildly successful. I sometimes start singing it without noticing that I just locked my car and it may take me a few minutes to understand why it's playing in my head. The sound of my beeping lock just reminds me of the song, ok?

Habits that would be more useful but less interesting:

• any kind of exercise
• reading before bed
• reading when I wake up
• good posture
• always eating breakfast
• etc.

And obviously this is one of many instances in which I prefer interesting to useful.

day in the life

I'm going to tell the internet about my day. It wasn't a particularly exciting day, and it's actually not an accurate depiction of my summer because I usually decide to get dressed and do things with other people (coffee dates, gym, grocery store, bank, work, lab, meals, etc.), but not today. Nope. Today was a stay-in-bed day and I am so grateful for that. Sometimes you just need a day of rest!


10:30-12:30
Woke up from a dream about my sister calling me and making unusual demands which I couldn't satisfy, all while being attacked by a cat (and I think a bear) and at the grocery store. It turns out my friend was calling me to let her in the building, so I had to wake up and let her in. Did my daily bible reading, wondered how many more lists of names I was going to have to read. Did some life/IV organizing! Made a master agenda for the fall, thought about goals, sent some emails, played with some google docs. Read all of my journal thoughts from the past semester and pondered them.

12:30-2:30
Ate a delicious sandwich on free bread from The Crust! But then found out the turkey may have been starting to mold. Felt a little funny, but probably only for psychological reasons. Did some facebook stalking. Watched the season 2 premiere of Falling Skies and played minesweeper.

2:30-3:30
Did some Monroe things re:recruiting participants for my experiment. (See, I do research.) Finished reading Ordering Your Private World which totally confirmed my need for rest today.

3:30-4:30
Napped.

4:30-now
Read another chapter in The Hobbit. Blogged about my research. Started writing this post.


Now it's time for dinner (bagel bites and salad with Taylor) and then more relaxing!

patience

Random thoughts on patience:

• Can you be patient for something you're unsure of? Or is that just trusting God/being peaceful?
• Patience is like a muscle which requires exercising to improve its strength. But sometimes we're called to exert more than we think we can handle.
• Patience and peace can cause each other or be intricately related, but they're not the same thing.
• God was first patient with us (love is patient...only God can perfectly love).
• Corollary: true, pure patience (not self-interested) can only come from God.
• Why is patience so important in love? Is it about respecting other people? Is it about respecting God's timing? Is it about forgiveness--being patient with faults? Is it always temporal, or can it be about something less tangible like being patient for someone's maturity?
• Patience can shed light on an abundance of other topics in our lives or virtues which we aspire to attain. So many things require patience first. Patience is sometimes just about letting go of the illusion of control.

Hmmmmm.

4th of July

I love the 4th of July. It's the perfect day of summer: everyone wears the same colors, everyone enjoys the warm nights, and everyone gets crazy by trying to plan the best celebration ever. Some of the my most vivid memories come from the 4th, from midnight swimming to getting stuck in a museum exhibit featuring lots of bones during a thunderstorm/power outage (it was pitch black and I was a little more than terrified). But the most interesting 4th has to be from my childhood:

Circa 1996 we celebrated at my grandma's house and we all took family pictures and my sister and I wore matching dresses. We had these dolls named Rachel and Rebekah who had matching dresses as well (which my mom made). Rachel was about the size of an American Girl doll and she had curly blonde hair and a squishy body. Rebekah had lighter blonde hair in two braids and she was a little bit bigger than a Barbie. Now Rebekah was the best doll in the world. I have no memories of her aside from this day, but for at least the duration of the day I was obsessed with her. In our family pictures my sister got to hold Rebekah (I think because she was the littler doll) and I had to hold Rachel, and I was not happy about it. I was upset and didn't want to be in the picture but my parents somehow made me sit down and hold Rachel (I think I cried a lot before relenting). But there was one thing that they could not make me do: smile. So in our family pictures, instead of making an angry face or sucking it up and smiling, I just looked passively away from the camera into the distance with a meaningless expression. Hipster child in the making.

Almost every 4th since then has been spent with my sister in some fashion, whether in our neighborhood or in DC or in Williamsburg (the first year I went to DC she stayed at home and we got rained on forever--I think that's been our only separation). So it's very strange to me to not have her with me to play cards and find overpriced food and go for a swim...I'm missing her a lot. :/

Anyway, personal and historical significance, it's just a great day of summer. There's a lot of pressure on it to be the best day ever, but random adventures make it the most fun and it's one of the few times when I support a complete lack of planning. Also, the fireworks in CW this year may have been the best fireworks I've ever seen, no pressure 2013.

halfway there!

The year is halfway over! Recently I've been worrying about a lot of things that are coming up...applying to graduate school, figuring out how to balance my time when it's senior year and I just want to hang out and do senior things, to honors thesis or not to honors thesis (I'm turning it into a verb don't even worry), Urbana, NomCom, apartment; you name it and I've been worried about it. Last year I felt really convicted to "be where I am" and that thought occurred again to me when I realized that the year was only halfway over, and yet I was sitting here worrying about the next six months...in reality, I think the next six months can take care of themselves as they get here.

What reminded me of this fact (aside from it being July--I couldn't get my calendar to hang up so it's not even a new page that's reminding me) is that I'm reading through the Bible this year with Katie (/Katie's home church). We just finished the book of Psalms and are about to start reading it again (everything else we're only reading once). I thought about where I would likely be the next time I finished reading Psalms--at Urbana, my grad school apps will be done, the new IV exec will be decided, sleepover month will have been a success and (I hope) most of my friends will still like me and still hang out with me. I'll be content. Or maybe I'll be miserable, or maybe I still won't know what I'm doing after college, or maybe I'll be voted out of my apartment for making too many cupcakes. Wherever I am, I'll be praising God.

How do I know this? Because the God who inspired the Psalms doesn't change. He is praiseworthy all the time, and his goodness does not depend on my happiness (or on my existence--hey, the world could end before I even get my Christmas presents). Even if I'm in a different place than I expect, God will be just as good. I will have the same need for grace (probably more of it). And I hope that my desire for him will be stronger than ever, despite the uncertainties I'll continue to face in 2013.

It's so easy to say that I trust God but hard to put into practice, but hopefully blogging about this will remind me every time I read a psalm to put my faith in the Lord and not in myself--not in my contingency plans, not in my rationality, and certainly not in my ability to keep calm and carry on throughout the challenges facing me.