a return

I'm thinking about returning to blogging. There are a lot of changes occurring in my life, and blogging has always been a useful outlet for me to sort through my life. I'm not sure how blogging fits into 2017 (culturally and personally/timewise) so on that note, here are some of my (non-comprehensive) thoughts on the past two years since I've blogged. Perhaps I'll follow up on some of these topics as time permits.

• Moving states, changing your legal name, and transferring the title of your car at the same time may seem like an efficient way to minimize your trips to the DMV, but in fact it is not. Especially when you are moving to Massachusetts. I would strongly advise against this course of action.
• On this note, changing your name is generally a bad idea. You would think, given the social norm of women changing their maiden names, that it would be an easy process and everyone would know how to handle a changed name. You would be wrong. I'm very happy with my new name but it's an awful process. Weirdly the SSA part was the easiest part - it's astounding the number of businesses that don't let you change your name and retain your previous account without going through an extraordinary set of hoops (but also don't want you using a name that's not current).
• Gift cards are the best wedding presents unless you have a particularly unique present to give. I definitely appreciate using an item and remembering who gave it to me, so nothing wrong with going for a registry gift - but man those gift cards are useful.
• Marriage is great. 10/10 would recommend. Though, as I recently told some family members, it's great if you're married to the right person. Like 95% of what makes marriage great (in my opinion) is specific to Nathaniel and would be terrible if I were married to someone who didn't complement me well (and give me grace where we don't complement one another!).
• Moving is hard, but living in a new region can be so worth it. I've learned so much about my cultural biases and expectations just from living in New England; I imagine it would be infinitely more illuminating to live in a different country. (Don't get me started on New England culture - this is a topic for a much longer discussion.)
• Health is so fragile! I learned this last summer with an unexpected injury that left me on crutches for four months. I cannot overstate how much this experience shifted my perspective, so I will leave this topic and may return to it at length at a later time.
• It's so disorienting to travel in Canada but I loved it and want to return. Again, it's a similar culture to the US and I imagine there are many other countries which I would find much more disorienting, but some small differences that came up a few times: KPH instead of MPH, much more prevalent use of swiping your card on a handheld device right at your table, lots more questions from inquisitive strangers re:injuries. Also, I think we must have answered a question incorrectly at the border because they pulled us over and questioned us extensively.
• Many of my feelings about the political events of the past year can be described as anger, but like any good economist I am trying to let data and evidence inform my opinions rather than speculations and extreme cases. I've struggled a lot with whether to post on social media about different topics but have generally decided on a hands-off approach in order to engage more with issues in a personal way, and to let more informed voices speak on subjects that I feel woefully undereducated in. I think this has the potential to be the wrong decision, so it may change in the future; I don't desire to be passive, and I want to use my voice thoughtfully.
• With all of our advances in technology I am constantly surprised by how hard some things are. For example, applying for jobs/schools requires carefully crafted documents and then also filling out endless forms/pages with the same information that is presented in those documents. I understand from a data collection/analysis point of view that it is helpful to receive information in this manner, but then why do we still rely on resumes? If you didn't have good internet access/a smartphone, how difficult would it be to apply to anything? 
• I have lots more thoughts about public policy than I thought I would as an undergrad, and I feel like my interests in this area are expanding every day. Good thing that's what I'm studying!
• Young people these days feel like an entirely new generation. I feel like there's so much variation in millennials regarding how we use technology and social media and how we relate to one another, and I wonder how much of that is specific to now. In previous generations did it feel like the gap just kept growing wider? Are we just hyperaware of our differences because we're so connected online? How much of the difference that I feel between myself and college students is due to the fact that I'm married and how much is due to the fact that I'm no longer a college student?
• Again, moving is hard.

oversharing

I've been thinking a lot about social media in the past few weeks. This summer, I've seen several friends get married, lived in the same city as my fiance for the first time in two years (hello, #mcm!), moved (still in the process), gotten married, and am about to change my name/start a new job/move to a new state/basically go through all of the life changes at once. In all of these occasions I've hesitated to post things online for fear of painting an overly cheery picture of my life. I know the hurt that comes with seeing everyone and their cousin getting engaged before you - the gloominess and boredom of scrolling through Instagram and wishing you were traveling and having adventures like all of your friends. I don't want to share only the good things in my life. But I don't particularly want to share all of the bad things, either - those are things that I would rather not memorialize. So then, who am I posting for? For myself - to remember good times, or maybe just to get a lot of likes? For my family and friends - so they know what I'm doing and can celebrate with me? Or for everyone else - really, just to get a lot of likes and affirmation out of them so I can feel justified in my life choices?

I would like to say that I am posting for myself, to share my excitement with others, to make sure that I and my friends can remember fun things.

But even that is wrong, and even that low-ish bar is too high for me to meet.

My motivation is always me-focused, which might sound like a good thing - at least I'm not letting others dictate my life, right? But I often fail to recognize the effect of my actions online, primarily because I am so removed from them. I can't know how many of my followers are feeling lonely and get set off by #mcm (or baby spam or travel or fancy meal) posts...or how many people post carefully crafted images to hide their fears and loneliness by appearing carefree (of which I am guilty). Every action we take has an effect on other people's moods, especially when it comes to the emotions we put into our social media image/comparison game.

So the obvious solution staring at me is to switch from me-focused to God-focused, a task easier said than done. How do I honor God in my twitter feed? I have a few guidelines from scripture on what to dwell on: is it true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, or praiseworthy? (Phil. 4:8) If it's not those things...probably not worth sharing. That's not to say I should always be overly positive and need to quote a verse in every caption. But I've found many examples of people who can share their struggles and still praise God, and still find the lovely and excellent aspects of their situations worth sharing.

I suppose all of that was to say that I've been afraid of oversharing some things, of being too excited and too hashtag-happy (especially around my wedding which was the most exciting and best experience of my life to date) - but there is no prize for hiding from social media(/culture). Hiding the truth in my life is lighting my lamp then hiding it under a bowl for no one to benefit from. If my motivation is focused on God's commands - if it's focused on loving others, being authentic, teaching about Jesus and his transformative word - if it's not focused on likes or even my feelings - if this is the case, if I'm contributing to my subculture and sphere of influence in ways that speak truth and purity and excellence, then it would be impossible to argue that it would be better not to post anything at all - and difficult to argue that there's even such a thing as oversharing of these sorts of posts.

one year

My mouth gets dry and my eyes get full when I consider the weight of one year. Time is all relative, I try to remind myself, and one year is hardly a mark of more significance than five months or two weeks. In some ways two weeks was the hardest. In two weeks' time (the amount of time to earn one paycheck or to go on six runs or to have to wait to see Nathaniel when we were doing long-distance between Lancaster and Richmond), I learned my brother was missing; worried and prayed endlessly; reached out of my comfort zone to utilize social media and call hospitals for a John Doe; learned my brother, my family member, Tyler, who is an integral part of Tyler Marisa Chelsea, Tyler, who taught me the rules of baseball and the bad words and to question my assumptions, Tyler was gone. I spent days sustained by the smallest bits of meals I could find because food made me nauseous. I spent nights crying and praying until morning came. I spent hours reading his lyrics and trying to pick a bible verse to print on the programs for his memorial, all the while thinking how much he would hate this attention and how embarrassed he would be by the childhood pictures we were all making our profile pictures. I helped clean out his apartment and watch everything he owned get dissected and split between family members and friends. I sat with family members as they cried and tried to figure out if I needed to be strong or if I needed to cry as they did the same for me. I struggled with feelings of happiness and got too emotional to watch any movie the whole way through (as if it were okay to have all the time in the world to watch movies). I went shopping and wondered how people could spend money and time on new clothes, I saw distant family members, I saw everyone I ever knew (or so it felt) at his memorial and could hardly keep myself from shaking when I saw people who I only knew because of Tyler because here they were but he was nowhere anymore. I shared a eulogy with my sister, the one who hated sharing anything with me especially matching outfits or common interests, and I felt like we were the only two people lost at sea; all around were mourners who knew completely different sides of him, often kinder and deeper sides of his adult personality; and here we were with our childhood memories and our Christmas stories of how grumpy but hilarious he could be.  But I didn't feel like we were lost at sea together--an ocean of different memories and feelings separated us. And I was flooded with doubts of how he ended up in this place and what I would tell my future children about him because I had always looked forward to them having the grumpiest and weirdest of uncles. And in two weeks' time, I went back to work and sat through seminars and coded and tried to wake up in the morning without crying, and cried almost every time I went to the bathroom because that was the only place that felt safe to cry.

So in a lot of ways, two weeks felt the most surreal, the most impossible, because how could so much and so little happen in a fortnight?

But it didn't end there. At one year, I've experienced guilt in my grieving process, intense feelings of fear of losing every one of my family members, counseling, distance from friends as they tiptoed around my feelings and experiences, the terrible anxiety in my stomach when people around me start talking about siblings and I know the inevitable question of my siblings will come up and I have to decide if I want to have an honest conversation or an easy one, the changes in my family's dynamics, the closeness with my Mom as well as the chasm that now exists between her and the rest of the world, the random sad dreams and the random happy ones, the bittersweet nostalgia of listening to Tyler's music (both what he played and what he shared with me all the way back in middle school). Kindness and understanding in unexpected people, and confusion and hurt from equally unexpected sources. Both feeling closeness and distance in my relationships, depending on the day. The fear of forgetting his voice or his smell or how mad he got when he couldn't find Cholula or how consistent we were in getting each other Christmas gifts that we liked rather than ones the other would appreciate. The hesitation before bringing up his name in conversations with people who never knew him and only knew my loss. The question of how to remember him at my wedding. The jealousy of friends who get to plan weddings in the absence of a family tragedy. My first Thanksgiving without seeing him, smelling him, hugging him, playing games, my first Christmas without any of our family traditions or fights. The awful reality every time I let myself forget and then have to remember again how gone he is. The regret of not seeing him one last time. Watching his box be put in a wall and sealed up forever, and then having to eat afterwards and talk to people and having my wedding plans be a distraction from our pain.

All of this will continue. This is why one year is both noteworthy and not. It never goes away. It may lessen in frequency, but not in intensity. This is part of who I am. It's been one year since I lost my brother, and it feels both a lifetime ago and so fresh and new that it couldn't possibly be true.


I know that this post is mostly focused on me rather than on Tyler. When I write things about Tyler, I feel as though I'm writing a letter just to him, and it would feel like a massive invasion of our private relationship to post it online. Some things are just for my memory, and as I've begun to learn about loss, that's okay--because there's not one right, one-size-fits-all method to grief. I should also note that I've glossed over the two most important aspects of my grieving process, again for the reason that they are very personal: the constant support, love, and most of all presence from Nathaniel through my ups and downs; and the very tangible hope that I have in Jesus Christ, the promise that he will make all things new, that he sees our brokenness and offers to heal it, and that death is not worth fearing because it has been overcome by his death and resurrection. I can't begin to comprehend the impact Tyler had on this world, on his friends, coworkers, classmates, bandmates, family. But I know his life, like all lives, was significant and his presence and eternal perspective won't be forgotten. And I thank God that I have been privileged to have a brother and to see some of God's work through Tyler.

a healthy view of health

I have recently fallen prey to the running bug. I knew it was only a matter of time after I moved to Richmond, but somewhere deep inside of me I still felt that I was strong enough to keep myself from converting to athleticism. I have never been an athletic person, and was actually kind of glad when I got mono (the second time) because it was a great reason to never go to the gym (my spleen supposedly became enlarged and at risk of explosion). Because I'm in a narrative mood (blame my novel-writing addiction), let's transition to STORY TIME.

When I was little I ran as little as possible. I found great hiding places in flashlight tag to avoid constant running. I played defense in little league soccer. And I was even homeschooled so I didn't have PE until high school, at which time I ran for the minimum amount of time required to pass the acceptable standards (part of this was motivated by the perception that trying hard in gym wasn't cool, but mostly it was because I physically couldn't try any harder).

Come college, I was a healthy weight but an unhealthy everything else. My view on food was that I'd rather eat what I wanted and not deny myself treats my whole life only to become sick with other diseases and wish I hadn't been so hard on myself with my diet. I still think that this isn't the least healthy perspective to have, especially when it comes to desserts because I love them with such an undying passion. However, I've come to appreciate moderation a bit more since then. Additionally, though, I just straight up did not eat fruit. Most vegetables scared me. And fried foods were by far the most edible and preferable food option in the cafeterias. Slowly, my friends began helping me see that fruit was not the enemy and that some vegetables, if prepared right, could actually be tasty (who knew?). [This is by no means meant to discredit my mom, who by all accounts makes delicious food. I just spent the majority of my life refusing to eat fruits and avoiding most of my vegetables because I thought that I didn't like them.]

The first thing that revolutionized my perspective on health was a Pokemon competition. I blogged about this experience in October 2011 (THREE POINT THREE THREE YEARS AGO HOW), but the basic story is that I accomplished tasks across campus in order to achieve Poke-glory. One of those tasks was visiting a fitness class. This was literally my first time in a group fitness class of my own vocation (my friend Katie made me go to a body pump class once), and it was pretty intense. It was just a pilates class, but for someone who had never really stretched or exercised for more than 5 minutes at a time, you can imagine how exhausted and sore I was afterwards. But I came to understand that this was a good sore, and that I wouldn't mind having it again. And realizing how helpful it was to know exercises to keep your legs limber and your tummy toned (jk this has never happened to me), I bought a fitness pass so I could get guided work outs ALL YEAR. It helped that the following summer I lived with my friend Taylor who was very into going to pilates/yoga/ballet classes with me and also didn't make me feel terrible for being so unfit. (We would eat bagel bites and chocolate afterward. This health thing has been a slow learning process for me...)

First time pretending to be fit.

And then I got mono the last week of the year, and my fitness pass expired just as I acquired a wonderful reason to never work out again.

The following summer I graduated and moved to Richmond. I started working out very vaguely because I wasn't sure just how vulnerable my spleen was, but I was starting to get a little tired of feeling unfit. More importantly, I was earning healthy points at work. I started earning points for working out (elliptical), counting calories, reading nutrition articles, attending health-related talks at work, making healthy recipes...at first I thought that I was just doing this to earn points (to earn PTO). But I realized that I actually enjoyed having goals and feeling healthier (eating fewer cookies than I had access to in a day--major accomplishment right there). Then I started running and probably got "too healthy." Running was great. It made my legs feel AWFUL the first few times, which was how I knew it was an effective workout. I had always thought that I was just innately incapable of running, but I realized slowly that it was not something you could just pick up one day and be good at. I was counting calories and thinking about losing weight all the time and was enjoying it, but not really for the right reasons. I never got to an unhealthy weight or other objective standard of unhealthy, but I knew that my mindset wasn't right.

So then I stopped counting calories but continued running and trying to get a good number of fruits, vegetables, whole grains and even fish in my diet. (This should be the most shocking thing I have written so far to anyone who knew me prior to the previous year.) I had a lot of encouragement from Nathaniel in all of this, especially as he helped push me to run further than I thought I could (he even made me like EGGS. Yes EGGS). I started training for an elusive 5k that no one would sign up with me to run (because my friends don't run, live too far away, or run way too fast for me). But somehow, knowing that there would be a 5k someday, I was able to continue to motivate myself to run. Motivation is weird. Part of this was the vague idea that I would make myself run the Monument 10k this March and that it would be less painful if I started training...a year in advance. (I'm still doing this. I'm very dedicated to my goals.)

In November I did a Turkey Trot 5k with my sister which entailed plenty of walking but was still my first race so yay running! In about a month I'll try much harder to make it the full length of my race without walking because I'm pretty sure that that's a thing that, with the proper mindset, I can do.

First run!

Anyway, all of that narrative to get to my main points. I think that this is a view that a lot of people have, but maybe you have to go through your own learning process to understand it for yourself. Your health is something that is worth investing in. No one else can take care of your body to the extent that you can through your choices. That's not to say don't eat xyz (sugar, meat, carbs, processed foods, cookies) as a blanket statement, but it is a smart and good thing to think about what you're putting in your body and note how it makes you feel. Not taking care of yourself, when you do have the time/resources to do so, is not only a disservice to yourself but to the people around you. No one wants to see their friends or family suffering from things like heart disease or diabetes--things that, while not fully preventable, are still linked to your health decisions. As with anything on earth, it can be taken to an extreme and you can easily develop an unhealthy attitude on eating or exercising (or not eating or not exercising)--but, just like with eating cupcakes, considered with moderation it can be a very good thing.

self-control

THROWBACK TUESDAY: I wrote this post like three years ago and for some reason never published it. I often like to ruminate on subjects and let my thoughts develop before posting them for public consumption, especially when the topic is something controversial (or spiritual, which for some people is controversial and which I believe requires more discernment and listening to the holy spirit than merely responding to your immediate thoughts on a subject). Anyway, I found it again and found it to be just as refreshing of a read as when I first wrote it. So, enjoy.


I previously assumed that the power of self-control rested with, well, self. Its name implies, and most definitions agree, that self-control is all about controlling yourself: your actions, thoughts, words. But what happens when we want something so badly that we can't stop ourselves from getting it? Is ordering a dessert when you're already full a conscious act of self-uncontrol? Or is it just our natural behavior lacking restraint? I am always exercising self-uncontrol if such a thing exists. I constantly eat more than I should and watch more netflix than I should and think unkind thoughts and run too many red lights - I could list my faults for probably hours, so let's stop here now that you've gotten the idea. Everyone has their vices and probably a lot of them involve traffic so I'll go with that example. If I try to control myself (which I do, because who wants to get tickets?), I'll end up failing again and again because I know what the problem is but I still can't behave any better.  I know when I should stop at that orange light but I go through anyway. Even before I get to the light, I see the situation ahead of me and think: if it turns yellow before I get there I should stop, but I won't because I'm going to call it more of a could than a should situation. I weigh the pros and cons and decide it's better to run the risk of getting caught (or injured) because I value those 30 seconds more than the right decision.

Does that mean I shouldn't (try to) have self-control? I think that the problem with my thinking up until now has been that I consider self-control something that originates 100% from me. But it's listed along with the other fruits of the spirit--gifts from God that we can't replicate on our own. Self-control isn't about self-reliance; it's about relying on God. It's not about having control or controlling yourself; it's about being controlled. Whether you want to think that comes from God or self, I think we could all benefit from recognizing that self-control is not so much about the strength of self but the restriction of it. It takes a lot of self-confidence to go against what you know is right, and that's not a good thing to have. It takes a lot of work to justify eating more than I should: I think about how much I deserve it and how it's not really a fun life if I don't get to eat cookies every day and also ice cream and chocolate. If we wanted to have a strong self, then by all means we should not try to control it but let it roam free! Cave to our desires! That's true independence, right? Self-control just imposes morals on us that we clearly aren't feeling in the moment that we want to rebel, so if we want to be true to ourselves then I guess we can't have self-control.

Ok, maybe that's a ridiculous digression. So what's the argument for self-control? Is it that we know we should be better--we know we should impose morals on ourselves because we're good and we know better than to live life like a toddler with no restraint? I say no. Not for this reason. Self-control isn't about pride and being able to say you did the right thing, but about humility and doing something right because it's right whether there's a reward or not. Sometimes other people's knowledge of our good behavior motivates us (or at least me) and that's not the point. Self-control for a Christian isn't something to boast in but something to trust in God for, and that leads me to my point. Controlling yourself is exactly the problem which requires self-control--it's us thinking that we're strong enough to take care of ourselves; it's pride. Self-control is about letting your self (your id your pride your wild desires) be reined in. As such, the best way to do so is to pray about whatever particular struggle you're having and for the gift of self-control. It's something we actively engage in, no doubt, like the other gifts from God (patience, for example). It doesn't mean it's easy just because it's from him. But it does mean that we can't just exercise it on our own and expect to be good at it.



Note: Since writing this I've gotten a lot better at not eating when I'm not hungry (it still happens sometimes). I'm working on other vices now like caffeine dependence and unkind thoughts/words--and I pray that I can trust God to deliver me from these "bad habits" rather than attempting to better myself through sheer will power. On a practical note, that means making willful changes to my behavior and thoughts--through Jesus. Thinking on his words makes it a lot harder to worry or judge others for extended periods of time, and studying scriptures enables self-control in all areas of life. See:

• "Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." (Philippians 4:8)
• "See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the elemental spiritual forces of this world rather than on Christ." (Colossians 2:8)
• "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." (Romans 12:2)
• "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." (Galatians 5:22-23)

best movies

This is in response to my sister's list of favorite movies. As it so happens, I have seen all 25 on her list (at least 24 of them actually with her...I don't think we saw Wanted together). You might call us a movie family. Beginning with a massive inherited VHS collection, we've always had more movies to watch than time to watch them.

NARRATIVE TIME: My movie obsession!
My love of movies began at a young age. We had this old book that gave movies star ratings (this was pre-internet) and my mom would go and trade in old books and movies at a used book store for ones with better ratings. This was how I came to watch and love (semi-obscure) classics like The Court Jester and Gaslight. I came to appreciate quality acting and writing before I knew anything about directing or moviemaking in general.

And then I took film studies. This was a semester-long class in high school in which we watched classic films, briefly discussed them, and wrote movie reviews based on elements such as cinematography, score, costumes...I don't remember the more technical things. But I did learn that you should always watch movies widescreen (the way they were shot and intended to be seen) and I was exposed to many more of the actual classics (Citizen Kane, On the Waterfront, The Great Dictator). I also got like 112% in the class because our grade was based on writing movie reviews. We got extra credit for Oscar predictions, which probably only fueled my love of Oscar night (aside: my sister made me write an Oscar acceptance speech "just in case" so that I would be sure to thank her first when I inevitably win an Oscar).


Anyway. My top 25 films, some of which overlap with hers, and partially influenced by the proximity of this post to Oscar night (last night). In chronological order because time matters to film quality. Some related movie suggestions in parenthesis.

1.  It Happened One Night because it's the original rom-com and we can learn from origins (related: Breakfast at Tiffany's)
2. The Wizard of Oz because movie magic and economic parable!
3. Some Like it Hot because nobody's perfect
4. To Kill a Mockingbird because ham and of course the excellent source material
5. Charade because I like hipster Audrey picks (I can't help myself)
6. Raiders of the Lost Ark because Indy
7. Star Wars: Return of the Jedi because because because
8. Back to the Future because Doc
9. The Princess Bride because as you wish/to the pain/anybody want a peanut?
10. Groundhog Day because it's brilliant? I don't know how one could argue with this movie.
11. Toy Story because you're a child's plaything
12. The Truman Show because sailing into the sky (related: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind)
13. Fight Club because Ikea and neurotic and quirky
14. A Beautiful Mind because John Nash and chilling (related, weirdly: The Sixth Sense)
15. Finding Nemo because everything
16. Lord of the Rings: Return of the King because despite the ending (too many fadeout endings and not enough Shire fallout) it was basically perfect and also Gollum
17. The Prestige because are you watching closely? (best on first watch, but does not get boring after knowing the story as does Memento)
18. The Dark Knight because it gives us the hero we deserve and IMAX (other commendable superhero movies: Iron Man and X-Men Origins: First Class because of their quality screenplays)
19-20. Slumdog Millionaire & 500 Days of Summer because of the crazy innovative storytelling devices, and fate
21. The Social Network because that crazy intense score when Andrew Garfield realizes he's being cut out
22. TiMER because it makes us ponder the meaning of relationships (related: Never Let Me Go, 50/50)
23. The Intouchables because wonderful touching hilarious (related but not just because it's French: Amelie)
24. The Artist because it uses its medium to full potential and tells a simple, excellent story
25. Catching Fire because JLaw's face at the end and the most accurate and bestest adaptation I've seen

Bonus recommendations which just didn't fit the feel of this list: Signs, A Perfect World, Clueless, Muppets from Space, and everything my sister likes.

to future twamps

Dear future classes of Triiiiiiiibe?! Pride, of succulent bits, of Harkers Upon the Gale,

On your first day of orientation you may be overwhelmed (and in need of 2-7 showers), but that’s nothing compared to the overwhelming rush of emotions that will come every time you leave the Burg—for your first weekend home, for winter break and for your first summer away especially. You will be excited to see your friends and family at home but you will be ecstatic to return to your freshman hallmates, your Monrovians or whathaveyou. This excitement dwindles a little bit every time, but it will still be a jarring transition: your past self (sleeping habits and old friends and jokes and fighting with your family over the pettiest things like which of your two favorite movies you will watch for the 100^th time) will emerge at home and your young adult/college/90s kid/student/scholar/athlete/club officer self will resurface when you hit Richmond Road. Your identity, to put it briefly, will be split. Even at college you’ll have multiple roles with different expectations, as you juggle friend groups and calendars and responsibilities. Who will you spend your birthday with, let alone any given weekend? Trust me--it's a lot of feelings and a lot of adulthood being thrown at you, but it does get easier as the semesters tick down.

I can't count the number of things I've learned between speed-walking to Morton and waiting at the grill station for not nearly enough fried food, but here are some of the my hopes for you based on what I've learned.

At some point after your freshman year you may begin to find it difficult to picture life beyond the confines of Jamestown and Richmond Road. Everything is of monumental importance because your grades are how you get to grad school which is how you get to that perfect job where you'll meet your future spouse and if you don't get an A then you might as well quit college and live in a cardboard box. Every organization is 100% dependent on you and would fail to operate if you didn't do your job; people would just stare at each other cluelessly at meetings as events failed to happen etc. I am (hopefully) obviously being facetious here. If you're not doing well in a class, either you're not working hard enough or you're not cut out for that subject, and that's perfectly acceptable. You don't have to get all A's. I know you think you will, but you won't, and learning that is really essential to enjoying college. If you're not enjoying a subject, then maybe it shouldn't be your major. I hope you take the courses you want to take, because you won't get to take them again. Take the risks that you want to take. And plan ahead--because after college you will still be alive and doing things even if you can't picture that now. I hope you make the most of your summers--even if that means relaxing and rereading Harry Potter, I hope that it's an enjoyable time and that you visit your friends.

While your transcript will be part of your life for a short time (as you apply for jobs/grad school you may wish you'd taken easier classes to boost your GPA), relationships and memories will be there always. And let me point out that this goes two ways: your memories last, and people's memories of you last. So do your random acts of kindness, help your friends whenever you can, and always choose the memory-making activity over the studying unless you're failing the class (that is maybe the only acceptable excuse). You will not look back over your college years and be glad for the Saturday nights you stayed in to study. You may need them every once in a while--if only to keep yourself from being socially exhausted--but they will not bring you happiness. Let me repeat: grades will not bring you happiness. Ok, glad we covered that subject again.

I hope you're prepared for your relationships to change. For some reason I expected the friends I made the first week of college to last forever. And while I am still good friends with some of the girls I met at orientation four years ago, those relationships have evolved, gone through ups and downs of housing drama, and in many ways grown deeper than I expected. At the same time, though, I made some of my best friends in college slowly; they weren't all instant connections. My roommate senior year and I didn't really get along when we first met; now we're inseparable and ridiculous. It may seem overwhelming to pick a friend group, but I hope you're friends with the people you want to be friends with; it will be difficult to prioritize conflicting events or groups competing for your time and attention, but everyone has time for occasional Grind dates or Miller lunches (especially if you flex them). When you graduate, your friendships will all change pretty dramatically--but that doesn't mean they'll cease to exist. A lot of them will just become long-distance friendships which are sad but have plenty of perks (getting mail! getting 1000s of snapchats! getting exciting destination vacations with free places to stay!). Also under this category: your friends at home will change, but I hope you still put in effort to keep in contact. 

You've probably heard about this one before, but I really hope you listen to your advisers and professors. Go to their office hours. Talk to them. Ask questions. Even the dumb ones. Especially the dumb ones. These people have tons of experience and knowledge and networking ability, and they teach because they want to engage with students. I wish I had been a little bit bolder about talking to more professors--but every one that I talked to was extremely helpful, thoughtful and kind. The professors that I just randomly stopped by to talk to are the ones that wrote me recommendation letters, because they knew who I was outside of my test scores. If you want recommendation letters (or any other kind of career advice), let them get to know you! 

I hope you're not afraid to ask for things. I hope you find people older than you and eat up their advice like fruit (or in my case, like ice cream). They will be a source of information and encouragement like none other because they've actually experienced what you're going through, and even if they haven't they'll understand it a lot better than your family (and sometimes better than your close friends). If you can find an adult, perfect. If it's just an upperclassman, still good. They actually like giving you freshmen rides because they've had to bum rides from upperclassmen for years as well, and they consider it paying it forward (...or backward?). On that note--I hope you're a good upperclassmen to future freshmen.

I hope you explore your town. Get to know the bus schedule, the Qdoba deals, the burger nights and the walk down DoG street. There are tons of wonderful things waiting for you just off campus if you'll only be brave enough to explore! Buy a cider mug (and a Green Leafe mug!). Go on a student-led (read: free) ghost tour. Rally upperclassmen to take you to the beach and enjoy every simple thing that the Burg has to offer you. It may be a boring little town--but it's yours now. Also, if you haven't already, I hope you register to vote. This is the perfect place to learn about local politics, and then every time someone stops you and asks if you're registered to vote you can say "YES" and walk away from them. (This will save you a lot of time in the long run.) When you leave Williamsburg, you will be extremely sad, but at least you won't regret not going to CW.

I hope you don't use the internet to replace face to face communication. Facebook, gmail, twitter, tumblr, skype, this list could last forever--these things are tools. They are not replacements for people. Get away from your screens and go talk to someone. It may feel like tagging them is connecting with them, and it can feel like a nice ego boost, but you will never get the vulnerability and depth of a real friendship if you're just facebook-hacking away your time.

Though college may seem like a magical little kingdom secluded from the world where everyone has their place and everything makes sense because everyone's a TWAMP, it's not. Your friends are what make you feel like you belong--because, let's be honest, for a lot of TWAMPs this is the first place where we've really felt like we fit in. It's not the sinking buildings or the muddy fields that make your heart swell when you step on campus--it's the security that your friendships lend to your identity. But while this may be sufficient for four years, it won't be after that. You can't idolize campus and you can't be there forever. You will eventually have to physically move on. When that happens, will you be depressed? Suffer from separation anxiety or identity crises? Even for someone as grounded and rational as I claim to be, I'm still tempted to be nostalgic and to wish for the good old days of Landrum living and late night walks across campus. So with that in mind, I hope you invest in loving yourself and loving others rather than falling in love with a place.

Most importantly: be where you are. I have been convicted by this statement more times than I care to admit. It's always easier to live in my head and imagine life in grad school or worry about getting bumped off campus or even reminisce over freshmen year (which may happen to you a lot--it's a pretty baller year). But it's always best to be where you are. I hope you engage with the people around you. Make a new memory. Do something to distract yourself from your worries. And you know what? This is a lesson I'll always need relearning. Ngl I kinda wish I were at W&M right now--but some of the most important people who are part of my W&M aren't there, and I know it wouldn't be the same, and I know that right now I don't belong there, I belong here. Which I guess brings me to another point: you'll always be learning. It may be scary to think about not being in school after you graduate, but you will always be learning. It may seem like you're a perfectly mature adult who knows all that you need to know, but you'll always be learning.

You have a lot to learn. I hope you enjoy your four years as much as I did, and I hope you major in something that you love, and that you find something to do after school with it. I hope you join new clubs (a reasonable 2-5 of them will be sufficient) and have a favorite sandwich at the Cheese Shop. I hope you find your special place to be alone and that you send your friends notes to brighten up their CSU boxes. I hope you don't get tricked by the candy at the activities fair into trading away a perfectly clean inbox for listservs that you will stay on forever and ever, but if you do, I hope you're resourceful enough to get yourself off of them. I hope you get lunch with President Reveley because you can and I sincerely hope that Dress Week is still in existence when you graduate, but I doubt it will be. I hope you wait in line for all of the free things that you can, but I hope you can let go of the fear of missing out and move past any regrets. I hope you aren't tempted to do things you don't want to just because everyone says you should. I hope you learn a lot about yourself and I hope you learn what you want to do for the year immediately following graduation but not necessarily past that. I hope you don't worry about meeting a significant other, but if you do I hope you realize how incredibly lucky you are if he's a keeper (and how much you can learn about yourself if you end up single again). I hope you meet your best friends and I hope you don't let drama or distance separate you. I hope you grow into a better person through those relationships and I hope you tell them how much they mean to you. I hope that you become a successful adult even if you would never call yourself an adult and I hope that your transitions are as pleasant and educating as they can be.

To the friends I made, from living in Monroe to Jamestown to Landrum to Stith to Bryan to Ludwell to Morton (this one's a joke kind of) and everywhere I walked in between, thanks. Thanks for sticking with me despite my flirtations with hipsterdom and my study habits. It's been a blast and I'm still reeling from graduation--but here's what I do know. I'm glad I only applied to one school and I'm grateful they let me go there. I'm a different and better person for having known each of you, and I hope that you'll continue to edify me as we grow into those old alumni who invade campus every once in a while and have embarrassing tailgates with stories of "in my day we weren't allowed in Tucker" and of how the Crim Dell disappeared for a day and of hurrication and sledding on the trays from marketplace ("there were trays in marketplace?" you're asking. Yes, yes there were. And they were glorious.).

short run vs long run

I have a problem. My long term goal is to have long hair again. My even longer term goal is probably to chop it all off and start this cycle over again, but let me shorten this time horizon to, say, two years.

Actually, let me explain why I have short hair in the first place. One of my favorite features, aside from my eyes and winning personality, is my hair. When I was very little, I cut it myself with scissors in the basement of my house and it looked pretty awful. After that experience, I never wanted to get it cut. It would get obscenely long, very difficult to wash and exceedingly tangled but when it came to be family hair cut day, I would ask for a two-inch trim. Given that my hair grows more than four inches in a year, this meant that my net hair growth was pretty high between the ages of three and fifteen(? I don't really recall these stages of life because I have poor photo documentation of them).

Anyway, I put a lot of my identity in my hair because it receive a lot of compliments and because I really enjoy breaking blond stereotypes. In order to cut off my pride from ballooning, I decided in May that I needed to immediately cut it all off and donate it to Pantene Beautiful Lengths. I had been plotting for about a year to make the cut, since I'd donated my sophomore year as well, but I guess my hair hit a critical length and I felt the urgent need to get it cut. This isn't a new cycle; when I got my hair dramatically cut the first time, I donated 10 inches to Locks of Love, and it was basically the best feeling ever. I was happy that I could help someone out, but I was way happier that I had to wash 10 fewer inches of hair.

I felt the same way about my hair before each donation. I wait for about a year, only getting little trims so that my hair retains its length and health. It gets ridiculously long, and all semester all I think about is getting it cut - but would it be too short? I worry a lot about it looking ridiculous because it's hard to imagine yourself without something you've always had (hair past your shoulders). Now, I loved my hair after my first and second donations. It was light and freeing and shocking but it wasn't anything too crazy. I considered it really short but to most people it was a normal length (though certainly it was a different look for me).

Well. I think I donated too much last time. It was fun for a while but there are so many challenges of short hair that I didn't anticipate! This brings me to my actual point: my long term goal is to have long hair but my short term goal is to not have my hair look ridiculous. This means I guess that I have to trim it frequently and wash it all the time and maybe even use styling products which is way more maintenance than I am used to. Although it takes less shampoo, I would definitely argue that short hair takes more effort than long hair, and for a person whose goal it is to minimize effort, that's unfortunate. So now I'm stuck trying to get my hair trimmed enough to look decent (I'm embarking on the long process of evening out the front and back of my hair) without losing all my length.

But don't get me wrong - I'm definitely still on the donating boat. I don't see the point of having hair if you're going to keep it to yourself and not share it with people who don't have it. I'm pretty lucky in that I have a variety of shades of blonde, and my hair is a nice thickness but doesn't take any extra care, and I have absolutely no inclination to dye my hair (which is not allowed for donations) - so if I can deal with having hair a little bit too long for my taste and also a little bit too short for my taste, there is basically no reason for me to always get 2 (or even 4 or 6) inches cut off at a time. Might as well donate, yes?

I'm just saying try to keep the long run in mind when you're making decisions about your hair. If you want it all chopped off, fine, but think about if you want all your hair at the same length or if you can deal with layers or whatever growing out and looking a little weird. To paraphrase a very good but very overused quote, with great hair comes great responsibility - both to share it and to keep it lookin' good.

waiting

I recognize that I should probably treat time like the preciously limited resource that it is, but right now I wish that time would speed up just a little bit. That's not actually true; the Adventures from the Book of Virtues video about the Magic Thread scared me for life and there is no way that I would ever wish for time to really speed up because I know that I could never get it back. But it is true that right now I'm in the middle of a serious waiting period. After rushing through school and all that entails (not just classes but friends and weekly meals and applying for jobs etc etc etc), and rushing through the period directly after graduation (in which I actually got my job), and rushing through getting a car and throwing away my childhood belongings/high school papers, I've reached a stopping point.

Now all I can do is wait. To be fair, I know that I still need to finish packing (and I actually have to find a place to move all of my belongings to) in order to start the next stage of my life. But I really have a month of waiting. And then even when my job starts it'll be a waiting period until the next stage of my life which might be a more permanent job or more school (which is also a transition period). I guess my point here is that everything is a transition stage to the next--and at no point will I reach a plateau of perfectness and stability that will last for the rest of my life. BUT, this is a very brief time of transition so I don't have the motivation to settle in because I can see the end of it in my one-month forecast, so I'll continue to talk about waiting even though I know there's waiting all the time in my life.

Waiting is not a passive activity; you're thinking of procrastinating or killing time. Waiting is active. Psalm 27 is super fantastic and ends with this verse: "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Waiting for the Lord does not mean sitting back and doing nothing. It requires strength! I recently read this devotional which tells us to wait in prayer; wait with simplicity of soul; wait in faith; wait in quiet patience. Thank the Lord for your circumstances as you trust that he will use them to do his will (even if you're frustrated, confused, lonely or just bored). There is a purpose for every period of time in your life and it is your responsibility to be its steward, using it for the kingdom of God. My goal is to use this month to grow spiritually while I have the energy and time to read books and study scripture, to identify things in my life I can give away (belongings, money, time, maybe more things?), and to make more efforts to invest in relationships that are transitioning to long-distance friendships. And hopefully I won't let my resolve dissolve into watching tv marathons and sleeping 12 hours a day!

the job hunt

Preface: I have the most wonderful and supporting friends and family (and everyone in between...you know who you are!) imaginable and literally could not imagine what this would have looked like without them.

Now, let me tell you a story. When I was 17 I took my first economics class and immediately knew that this was the discipline for which I had been searching--it blended my analytical/writing skills with my propensity for numbers, and on top of that it explained the world around me. From big picture items (unemployment rates, the housing bubble) to minute decisions (which toothpaste brand should I buy?!), it provided me with the tools to understand humans and infrastructures like never before. (Aside: when I say that it's my goal to understand humans, I sound like I'm an alien...but I have no evidence to suggest that I'm anything other than human. I just don't understand us.)

Within a year of that class starting, I had gotten involved in three different economic competitions because I literally had the best econ teacher ever. Two of those allowed me to travel to three different Federal Reserve branches and find out just how cool the Fed could be (I mean, it's a building full of economists, how much better can it get?). One thing I learned was that they don't like it when people wear birkenstocks to official functions. But the other things I learned were of even more importance: how and why the federal funds rate is set, what was going on in the financial crisis (recall that this was 2008-9), the importance of liquidity, and a bunch of things that honestly went over my head at the time but which I learned how to talk about anyway.

From that point on, my career path was econ PhD or bust. If I wanted to do the sorts of jobs I saw ahead of me (being a professor, doing research, or more generally being an economist), I knew I would need a lot of education. So I took the math classes and the GRE and the advice of my professors all the way up until last summer. When I started doing more independent research. And I realized that if this is what grad school looked like, I was in no way prepared for that! You see, I feel like I've barely learned anything about economics (which is true, despite my major in it) because I haven't gone through the first two years of a PhD program...and I feel unprepared to jump into a program when I don't know what I'm interested in or how to do research.

So from last summer on, I've been a little bit lost. I've considered basically every career path I've seen my friends and peers embark on (except perhaps the military), and it was going into winter break that I felt the most torn between ministry and academics. As I thought about ways to get involved in Christian ministry (teaching, working with college students, going abroad, etc.) I felt overwhelmed because most of these prospects fail to make use of the skills that I have...but they're still really important. How could I say that I thought they were important, though, if I didn't do any of them myself? So then I went to Urbana, which is a missions conference organized by InterVarsity. I looked for ministry opportunities that did use my skills and passions and I didn't find any organizations that fit the bill. What I did find was a group of people who cared about academics; college professors and grad students who used their studies to bring glory to God in a less explicit way than missionaries. Now, I had known that these sorts of people existed, but I kind of thought of that lifestyle as a cop-out. Because, hey, they're still getting lots of money (depending on discipline) and getting to do what they love, and maybe they view it as a missions opportunity but maybe they merely view it as not incompatible with a Christian life. But hearing these people talk, and seeing them alongside missionaries in Africa, helped me reconcile some of that confusion in my head.

The next step was figuring out how I wanted to pursue academics, and it came so much easier than I had anticipated! Someone asked me what I wanted to do next year, and I answered that ideally I'd like to work for the Federal Reserve. It took me about a day to recall this conversation and realize what it meant: if I wanted to work there, I had to apply there! I had already applied for a few jobs, but I was planning on doing the majority of that work in the spring semester. So I got home from St. Louis and started researching positions at the Fed. After applying for all of the positions/locations I desired, I expanded my job search and applied for about 30 more jobs in the economic research arena throughout the spring (well, some of them would have been a stretch for my academic career, but they still would have been interesting).

After getting way more rejections than I anticipated, one day I got an email from the Federal Reserve Bank in Richmond and assumed the worst. I kind of squinted my eyes when I opened it to brace myself for another dashed dream. Instead of a rejection form letter, however, it was a request for a phone interview. 

To make a long story a tiny bit shorter, I did have some more phone interviews and I didn't hear back from the Fed until the last week of finals, when they wanted to have a second phone interview. At this point I was resigned to living with my parents and working at Starbucks for a year and a half until I could apply for and start grad school in 2014, and I was sad and confused about why I didn't have any job prospects or life direction. But every other opportunity that had come up (mostly teaching), I had shied away from because it just didn't feel right. I wondered if I had made a mistake and had been selfish to not want to teach. So I graduated with this dream job hanging over my head and everyone asking me what my plans were, and I couldn't tell them anything because I didn't have anything to tell. The very next day, I went off to the mountains of Goshen, VA where cell reception is terrible and where I didn't bring my laptop. And of course, that was the night that the Fed emailed me to ask if I would come in for an on-site interview. After a lot of internet struggles, I set that interview up for the following week. The week in between was a terrible place of limbo as I learned about life after college at Rockbridge and tried to imagine myself in one of two scenarios: happily employed in Richmond, or living with my parents in nova. I struggled to see that God would be in control and providing for me in either case, because God considers work good and I consider the Fed the perfect place to work...so if he cared for me, wouldn't he be giving me this job? And if he really cared wouldn't he have spared me some stress and let me have it before graduation? But I ate some humble pie and rested in the blessings he has given me (supportive friends and parents who will let me stay at home, a good education, job interviews, and most importantly his own presence in my life!).

Anyway, I interviewed in Richmond and loved the department and the city and everything about the Fed. They called me last Friday to let me know that I would be receiving a job offer this week, which I accepted today. I'll be moving there later this summer to start my work as a Research Associate!

As you may have guessed, I've learned a lot through this process...that my plans mean nothing without my God, that he is more than sufficient for me, and that I'm not so special to deserve a job just because I went to college. Plenty of my friends are still seeking out their plans for life after college and I'll be in that position again when I'm done with this job. Not having a plan doesn't make you unintelligent, lazy, or even a bad Christian--God does not reward faithfulness with monetary prizes! I feel incredibly blessed to have the opportunity to do research and learn more about economics, live in a new city, and face new challenges as they come. I'm also very glad that I didn't have this job when graduation hit because I can so empathize with everyone who doesn't know what they're doing, and I've learned so much more how to rely on God rather than on my resume.

today's adventures

Thought I'd provide some more meaning to my day by blogging about it and commemorating it forever! Here are my adventures from today...so far:

• had the best luck at rummy against my mom (I count it because it was after midnight)
• tried WisPride which is a spreadable and delicious cheese
• continued to do some interesting devotions from "Morning & Evening" by Charles Spurgeon...ngl it sort of goes over my head!
• had breakfast while the rest of my family slept lolol
• sent a postcard from home! who does that. me.
• retrieved the garbage can from in front of the mailbox (how we supposed to get mail when it's there?!)
• put my favorite books in a box (decided I probably have too many favorites)
• sorted my sock drawer (decided I definitely have too many socks)
• got frustrated with the disorganization of apartment listings
• took a shower and only shampooed my hair once (ie tested the theory that I may need less shampooing with less hair. results are inconclusive and may require further testing)
• retrieved the mail (I had a lot of adventures regarding the mailbox it seems!)
• read a chapter of "This Ordinary Adventure" on my deck and almost got burned and only lasted one chapter outside
• read some more chapters inside
• had a conversation about free will vs. free choice with my brother
• ate homemade tacos

And it's only 4:18! There are so many more adventures to be had, like making dinner and finding new bits of nostalgia in my room. I hope the rest of you are enjoying your summer as much as I am, whether you're working, travelling, studying or sitting at home like I am. :)

book suggestions

I strongly believe that everyone should read books all the time. Usually I fail at this and only read online articles some of the time, but I regret every chance I have to read a book that I pass up. So since spring break is next week, and since I think everyone should be reading over break, here are some of my top suggestions!

• Predictably Irrational by Dan Ariely. Though it's by an economist, it's really by a behavioral economist, so it's more like it's by a psychologist. If you liked Freakonomics or just like understanding more things about why people do what they do, this is the book for you!
• Guyland by Michael Kimmel. This explores the sociological side of "guys" (that is, being not a boy nor a man) and has some really interesting things to say about our generation. I just think everyone should read it!
• Ordering Your Private World by Gordon MacDonald. If you've struggled, like me, to keep your sanity about you when you're running around doing school, making friends, keeping up with your family, running events, showering, etc. then this is a great, refreshing, practical book that addresses some major issues and will help you take a breath and get organized. Perfect for spring break!
• Nine Stories by J.D. Salinger. If you're looking for a bit of good literature without much commitment,  short stories are for you! Don't make the mistake of picking of something tricky like Hemingway when you can get just as much depth and intrigue in Salinger. Also perfect for people who loved Catcher in the Rye like me.
• Life of Pi by Yann Martel. Intrigued by the clips of the movie that you saw at the Oscars? This is a fun and light read, but also a deep and philosophical story, and it's about zoo animals on a boat...come on, you're intrigued. I read it in oneish sitting.

Also I'm the sort of person who doesn't usually believe in "beach reading" in the traditional escapism/light reading sense, so if you're looking for more classics why not go big and read A Tale of Two Cities? (I read this on the beach. No regrets. Just some funny looks from strangers.)

Also also, if you're looking for something requiring more commitment or if you have more than a week you'd like to spend reading, I would highly recommend both The Cost of Discipleship and The Divine Conspiracy, both of which I'm working my way through currently. Both of them dig into the Sermon on the Mount and its implications for the 20th/21st centuries so if you're not Christian you'll likely find them accessible and if you are then you'll probably learn a lot of new things as well. Great food for thought!

last semester

Since I'm not in a productive state I thought I'd make a list of some of the interesting parts of my previous semester, but then I thought it better to look forward to the rest of this semester than to dwell on the past. The only things you need to know about the fall are that I started dating a great guy, started living with my bff, got my first A in math since pre-calc and finally got to go to Christmas Town! Ok it was a pretty baller semester with lots of great memories but let's move on to bigger and better things...

Here's what I'm looking forward to this semester:

• finishing my SA's little instructions for life at W&M, minus everything about sports
• familiarizing myself with Gavin DeGraw's music enough to enjoy him in concert
• last ever campus golf (/last ever scramble for a theme/last ever team-forming drama)
• photoshooting with Katie
• making use of the farmer's market
• skyping Jamie
• watching the new IV exec team develop!
• snapchatting Chelsea all the time so she has a big list of faces to look at every time she sees her phone
• dress week 3: the last stand
• actual last chance dance (unlike last year's second-to-last chance dance)
• hopefully getting a job
• ringing the wren bell
• beach timezzzzz
• playing secret roommate
• squeezing in as many coffee dates and social timez as my mono will allow me
• getting enough sleep to satisfy my mono
• pleasing Katie by referring to my disease as if it were a being who controlled me

ocpd confession

So like most people at my school I'm 90% convinced that I have, along with many other psychological disorders thanks to my psych classes, OCPD which is like OCD but less intense. It basically means I'm really into things being organized, which to me sounds like a quality rather than a disorder. :) I'm actually pretty sure I don't have it after consulting wikipedia for 5-7 seconds because, especially since developing mono and a sedentary lifestyle, I don't really care about controlling things. But I really do like things to be in order and for that I have no apologies.

In light of that I just wanted to confess that while visiting my blog today I started wondering about the distribution of my posts and how weird it would look if I had more posts in 2013 than in 2012 because then my yearly post count distribution would appear bimodal rather than unimodal. I'm not sure whether that counts as an OCPD consideration or just a result of too many math classes but I thought I'd put that out there despite my uncertainty.

Just imagine this graph with t = number of posts in a given time period and g/t = time and you see the trouble I'm mentally running into.

innocence

Today as I was flipping through Proverbs I noted a verse that I had underlined:

All a man's ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the Lord. (Proverbs 16:2)

What! This is terrible news! I can be going through life thinking I'm doing everything great but apparently something as silly as my motivation can trip me up. Unfair! Now this verse reminded me of a passage in 1 Corinthians that I studied last semester, so off I went to the back of my bible in search of a connection. Here's what I found:

My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts. At that time each will receive his praise from God. (1 Corinthians 4:4-5)

I felt like this provided some more insight to the seeming condemnation in Proverbs...after all, if your ways only seem innocent to you that implies that they are in fact not innocent. I do like this idea, and I think that it's true in my own life an awful lot of the time, but it's still an unpleasant thought. No matter how hard I try to align myself with what is right, I am often motivated by the effect of my actions on my image or other transient things; it doesn't matter if all of my thoughts and actions are "innocent" if they're just focused on me, because that is not an innocent motivation--it is very sinful to only consider myself, as sinning is just another way of saying that I'm putting myself before God. So even when I do a good deed or try to consider others above myself, if I'm doing that out of my own pride it is no good--God will instantly see through that.

But Paul's letter gives us more to chew on. First, he brings up the Lord's return and judgment. Second, he explicitly says that other people can't judge your heart, and neither can you judge any hearts; however, the motivations which drive us will be exposed, implying that you really can't hide selfishness from yourself or anyone else forever. Third, though, is that everyone will essentially receive what is due to them. I don't think this in any way implies legalism--that people who are "better" Christians, follow the law, don't sin "as much," etc. will earn their salvation while other people won't. But it does bring me some relief to know that what I do and think matters--that God sees and knows that, and that he does have a reward for people with good intentions and motives, because (let's be honest here) it sometimes frustrates me that everyone is entitled to the same salvation should they choose to accept it. I feel like no reward could be better than being more like Christ and knowing the Lord more intimately, but if there is some other reward that awaits us then that's cool too. I guess it doesn't matter, but I liked the way that this was positively framed instead of saying that after he judges our hearts he'll punish us accordingly.

Anyway, it's just more reason to be aware of my motivations and to be conscious of the fact that I'm responsible for more than my actions. As we see continually throughout scripture, God cares way more about our hearts (the conditions they're in...who we're letting control them...etc.) than our adherence to rules. I have to tend to my heart as well as my behavior, aligning my feelings with his heart and letting Christ's example (of innocence and purity) shape my every intention and consideration.

october 2012

In October 2012, something quite unusual happened. Although I'm used to having a team to root for in the MLB playoffs (namely, the Cardinals), for the first time in my life the only three teams I've ever cared about could all be found playing games in October. I'm not used to this kind of conflicting emotion.

When I was little I watched the Orioles play (and lose) a lot. I read their statistics in the newspaper at least four times a week (some days I didn't remember to check). I waited and waited for their winning percentage to break above .4-- and I mourned when playoffs came and they weren't even close to the Wild Card position (it was only a little bit of mourning; I never really expected them to make it so I wasn't that disappointed). But they were not my team. They were just the team that played closest to my home. I did own an Orioles sweatshirt, but that was only because I went to Camden Yards and sat up way at the top and froze while the O's lost 10-5 to the Braves and my dad pitied my 8 year old self and bought me a sweatshirt.

My team was and always has been the Cardinals. And I liked them before Mark McGwire thankyouverymuch. I can't quite pinpoint my reason for adopting this franchise as my own (though I think it has something to do with our local minor league team), but in any case I was there when Big Mac became a home run king and I was there (fruitlessly) cheering on the continuation of the Curse of the Bambino in 2004 and I've been there for every playoff loss (and win...) for the past 13 years (because for the first few years of my fanhood, the Astros were stellar). It was incredible to experience them playing a home game, albeit slightly disillusioning because I also realized that they have the same kinds of vendors that everyone else has--but whatever, they're still rock stars to me.

And then one day in late 2004 I read in the Washington Post (my only source for baseball statistics and really any other news) that the Montreal Expos were moving to D.C. They were trying to become my home team and I would not have it. But it was ok, I eventually realized, because they were not trying to be better than the Orioles: they were in fact almost decidedly worse. I've now been to a few games in their new stadium, and I admit that I like having a team within Metro distance and whose players I can follow with a little bit more interest than the O's (who, after retiring Cal Ripken, have made no significant impact on my life). The Nats have been truly inspiring this season, going from literally never having a winning season (as the Nats) to having the best record in baseball this year. It's clear that they've been going through major changes and improvements every season but I still didn't expect them to make it to the playoffs until I was old and had kids of my own.

So this leaves me with a lot of conflict. I can clearly root for the O's (I could cheer for anyone against the Yankees let's be real); despite their loss tonight I have hope. I'm at a loss for the Cards-Nats series because I can't really watch either of them lose because then I can't be happy for the winning team, so I'm going to settle for cheering on the winner after they've made it through this week. But if it comes down to it, I'm not going to lie, I want to see the Orioles on top. After losing every season since their loss in the first playoffs I ever watched (1997 Marlins whatupppp), I think it's time...and as much as I'd like to wait another 15 years to see them succeed I would really just like for them to win already. But if they have to lose, hopefully one of my NL teams will be around to avenge them in the World Series.

rest

It's ironic that I'm blogging about rest because I have a midterm tomorrow for which I haven't begun studying and I spent the day at Busch Gardens and I spent the weekend catching up on sleep. It sounds pretty much like I have this whole rest thing down pat. But I think instead of rest, what I've been doing is not worrying. I know that I have work to do. I've done the work that absolutely needs to get done and I'll get around to the rest when it needs to happen (studying for this test probably being the first priority, after this blog). I just haven't been worrying about it.

But that's not really rest. Instead of worrying about work I've been running around having fun, being social, taking care of IV business and pretending to do Monroe work (priority number two at this point...it actually needs to be finished on Tuesday though for a presentation). It's certainly a good thing that I haven't been tryna do these things and worry about work, but these things aren't a good replacement for work/worry. Rest is. Just rest. Resting in who I am and who God has made me to be. Resting in his word and his purposes and his love. It takes work--it isn't easy to turn off our brains, to stop worrying, to become unavailable in cases of emergency, to say no to hanging out...but ultimately it is refreshing and necessary and so wonderful.

After this Monroe thing I'm going to need to soak up some more rest. Until then I'll continue to let my value be derived in Jesus and try to not let that demotivate me from studying.

Also if you feel unsatisfied by this post read this other post on the same topic!

first class

I'm currently sitting in class waiting for the professor to show up. It's been 19 minutes and so far no one has left. If this were an experiment testing our patience I think I would win...but only because I have a class next door immediately after this class, and I don't want to leave for 15 minutes only to return 15 minutes later. So really my laziness would be a confounding factor in this hypothetical experiment. You'd also have to factor in the access to computers, since I probably wouldn't be interested in sitting somewhere for an hour unless I had a computer or a place to nap (or something interesting to read, but who brings light reading to the first day of class?)...

Curious. Anyway. Great start to the semester!

the you-don't-know-me quiz

1. What is my number one fear? (hint: I first thought of it in ninth grade and probably only one person knows it)
2. Name three things I said I'd never do, but then ended up doing them.
3. What kind of house would I like to live in, if I have to live in a house? (hint: I've mentioned a few kinds on my blog)
4. What is my favorite thing about myself? (there are a lot, but really only two of them are acceptable answers)
5. Name my five favorite movies. (this is easy)
6. Name ten things I don't do on principle.
7. When I was little and played pretend, what did I pretend my name was?
8. What is the most upsetting thing to me?
9. What is my favorite fictional family and why?


There's no one who can answer these questions correctly except for me, and I'd be pretty impressed with anyone who could answer two of them because I purposely picked stumpers. This is starting to sound ridiculous so I'll get to my point. I'm often torn between wanting people to fully understand me and wanting to be super secretive and mysterious. For the most part I like to be mysterious, but I also believe in the power of vulnerability. I don't want people to really know me, I guess for fear of rejection, but I want to know them because I'm curious and like to know things so I have to let them know me. And when I do I realize that it's not a super big deal to reveal things...it's a way bigger deal to me than to anyone else, so hiding things really only hurts me and no one else.

The thing is, God knows all these things and way more about me--things that I don't know about my future and purpose and things that I've forgotten already--and he still loves me. But this really isn't enough for him: he wants us to fully rely on him, but he also wants us to interact with and love and confess our sins to each other. Being closed-off and secretive doesn't help anyone get anywhere. It isolates us and allows us to feel like we're in control of some small aspect of life. Openness, honesty, real vulnerable love--these are very frightening but so worth it. I can't really say anything more about that. Just do it. Open up. The only person holding you back from deep relationships is you.

Bonus fact for reading this: my favorite fictional family is the Glass family from J.D. Salinger's short stories. I think they're pretty baller and I think if you read the stories you'd understand why.

on pre-senioritis

I am afraid that I've reached that point: I'm not really looking forward to classes starting. Everyone said that this would eventually happen to me, but I doubted them right up until the end of last semester when I burned myself out writing papers and taking exams between worrying about my friends graduating and my extracurricular obligations. Let's just say that I'm still tired when I think of that first week of finals! So much so that I'd like another break before I have to do it again...unfortunately this week I do have to take a test and I do have to write a paper and these are things which I've already spent a good part of my summer preparing for--which makes it not much of a summer break. I thought that I would enjoy more academics in the summer, and that I would like an extra challenge, but I misjudged the amount of tired I would be after the spring. I do think it's better to have something interesting to do than nothing at all, but summer just hasn't been as restful as I need it to be.

Anyway, instead of chalking it up to my research project I'll blame senioritis. I also never thought that this disease would affect me: I actually did better my senior year of high school than all my others despite taking 7 AP exams and leading three clubs and already being admitted to W&M for the majority of the year. Naturally I assumed that I just performed well under pressure, a hypothesis which all of my college experience also validates (more credits=higher gpa, more responsibility=better test scores, etc.).

But currently I'm at a point where I'm not eagerly looking forward to the next academic challenge. I'm ready to learn more about living life and taking responsibility, not about history (thank goodness I'm done with those GER4s!). Perhaps once I'm done with my summer responsibilities and once I've purchased new notebooks I'll start getting excited about textbooks and syllabi, but right now those are looking like some big hurdles and I'm feeling like taking a nap instead. Nine days is plenty of time to write a paper. Or five half-days. Or a night or two. Right? As long as I can get some rest in, instead of spending all these days worrying about not writing that paper, I think I'll be okay.