productive procrastination

I am one of the most ingenious procrastinators you will ever meet. By disguising my distractions as important I can trick even myself into thinking that I am being productive. Here are some of my favorite creative ways to divert my attentions from actual tasks like homework.

1. Cleaning. This can take many forms, from doing laundry to taking out the trash to going through old folders to using cleaning products like Windex or Clorox wipes. There are always things that can be cleaned. I find that I can't do anything until I've cleared off my desk and put away my dishes. I am especially good at cleaning at school, since living with another person makes me feel like I shouldn't leave clothes falling out of my drawers, which I oddly don't mind at home...until I have to do something else.
2. Excessive planning. This can be super fun! If you're not a plotter and you write things without thinking about them ahead of time, I understand where you're coming from...but it is super effective to spend lots of time planning if you don't want to actually write something (this also applies to other life situations, but I prefer talking about writing). For National Novel Writing Month, I don't really plan things before I start writing because I know I will deviate from my plan when I get bored with it on day 3. What I'm talking about is not plot planning, but character planning. I can spend hours looking up name meanings and origins to find the best fitting name for every single character. I will figure out their Myers-Briggs type (you can tell now that I am actually obsessed with this measure...deal with it). I will figure out how many siblings they have and what their relationship with their family is, and I will list about 30 adjectives to describe them (because one will never do). I am super good at writing out a calendar and having a general idea of what happens when, not in terms of chapters or anything (I couldn't keep a pace like that because I get bored and skim over long periods of time, but then since I describe things forever, one scene may go on for like a quarter of the novel)...but in general plot terms. I color code a lot. I know what day of the week every main character was born on. I spend so much time doing this that the novel is almost peripheral.
3. Calculating things. In general, a good way to eat up an afternoon is to pull out your calculator. It can be your gpa conditional on your planned schedule and expected grades. It can be number of words left to write and the expected number of hours to completion. It can be the pace at which you are reading a given book, and how much faster you're going to have to read if you want to finish a whole series before July 15 (I have to read 5.5 more chapters today to stay on pace; if I don't I'll have to recalculate everything). It can be the correlation between the rating you gave a song on iTunes and the number of times it has been played (this is very interesting, but given such a large data set and the fact that it is always changing it is also very time-consuming). Basically, I am a super nerd. Speaking of which...
4. Playing Pokemon. Just kidding, this is an important task!
5. Alphabetizing or other sorting techniques. There are several applications of this - not just sorting books on a shelf. You can also organize on your computer! I make tons of folders so that I can categorize everything easily and find it when I need it. I've also created 20 different lists of friends on Facebook so that I can easily contact someone from a specific organization (or filter to invite friends to an event), and in general it just makes me feel less random in my life. I also really like updating the lists as I see fit. Other ideas: separate your shirts by solid and patterned and then arrange them into a spectrum of colors; make playlists for any number of different occasions; clean out your email inbox until there are no more than 50 (or however many fit on your main page) - archive the rest, but be sure to do so in colored folders/labels; color-code your life on a google calendar; organize books by the same author in not alphabetical but chronological order (obviously your Harry Potter books should already be arranged this way, but be creative...I did this with Shakespeare).
6. Making things! I am already planning my Christmas presents. You can try a new recipe or look up crafty things or make a card for a friend (or just write a letter, no assembly required). Some baking things take a long time and that is great for avoiding work.
7. Blogging. This has a perfectly legitimate justification, right? I want to keep my friends updated on my life and I love talking about me. Perfect. But though productive, it keeps me from doing the writing I would like to find the motivation to do and more importantly it is keeping me from reading Harry Potter.

I think I've made my point.

As you can guess, I am doing a lot of these things this summer. Note that they are mostly free and require no transportation. You can even do them with friends! I literally do not understand people who get bored because there are so many things I don't have time for, even now when I don't have a job or a car. So be creative in your procrastination, now and during school, and I predict you'll enjoy life more than if you just watch tv and stumble across the internet randomly. Though fun, these are not nearly as good at appearing productive as my ideas, and I am all about reducing cognitive dissonance.

night marisa

I have this theory about myself that I developed last year and which I have since shared with multiple people. It goes like this: there are two parts of my personality. Normal Marisa....and Night Marisa. Normal Marisa is normal...but Night Marisa is AWESOME. She likes to go on adventures and philosophize and can write epic stories and be super crafty. She appears almost every night between the hours of 10 p.m. and 5 a.m., though sometimes I (normal Marisa) get tired and am just useless at night. I think she appears more frequently when I have deviated from my nap schedule, whether that be taking extra naps or falling asleep at like 8 or not getting any naps all day (horror!).

I first noticed this in high school when I realized that my writing was way more natural (and funny and good) at night. For my creative writing class, I would try to write poems or short stories in the afternoons when I got home from school but they were literally the worst things ever. So then I learned to put off all of my assignments until the night before, and I would write them around 1 a.m. and then print them and then go to sleep and wake up like 3 hours later (this led to my nap addiction). Of course, everyone in my class confessed to doing the same thing, leading to my belief that all writers are best at night.

Looking back on my life after I came up with this theory, everything made sense. A lot of my friends noticed that I became super talkative at night. My whole family (minus my dad) stays up late to play games or watch movies (this is fodder for another topic entirely, so I'll leave it for now). It seems to be a learned behavior but also somewhat genetic.

To get into the psychology of it, I (normal Marisa) am an introvert and I strongly subscribe to the theory of Eysenck that introverts experience a higher baseline level of cortical arousal than extroverts. This implies that long, large or new social situations, which raise cortical arousal (ie activate parts of your brain which connect to heart rate, vigilance and other physical things related to alertness and make you read faster, more creative, more focused, etc.), put extroverts at a comfortable level but stress introverts out. Some theorists predict that introverts would be morning people because at that point their cortical arousal hasn't been too elevated so they seek out more interaction in the morning and isolation in the evening. I can see this.

But I am kind of the opposite...when I wake up I want some time to do my own thing and schedule out my day and figure out if my crazy dreams meant anything and figure out when and where I'm eating and catch up on everyone's lives via Facebook. By the time dinner has passed and I've been as productive as I'm going to be, I want one of three things: I want to do my homework for real and if anything gets in my way I will silently fume (or get really mad...this is not a good trait); I want to work on a really tangential and unimportant task with all of my energies, like sorting the Myers-Briggs personality types into the Hogwarts houses then trying to use the percentage of the total population who are supposedly each personality type to figure out if the fact that the students at Hogwarts are evenly divided into the houses means that the wizarding world is significantly different in its personality type makeup than the general population (it is); or I want to have an adventure slash meaningful conversation and I am super spontaneous. All of these are manifestations of Night Marisa.

I think it has to do with my inhibitions being lowered after being up so high all day. I am exhausted by the time 10 rolls around but I do get a second wind, probably because my mom does and makes me do things with her at night (like that time I had to construct bookshelves at 3 a.m....not that I'm complaining; I was raised with this and find it mostly normal).

HOWEVER, I was watching an episode of Seinfeld on Memorial Day because they had like an all day marathon and I was too lazy to get up or find the remote to change the channel, even though I knew what happened in all of the episodes (because I was partly raised on it...yes, this seems strange in retrospect). And one of Jerry's stand up segments was about night guy and morning guy, who gets so mad at night guy for staying up and making him want to sleep in and do poorly at work. And this is when I realized that I am way less insightful than I often claim to be.

codes and keys

First, you guys should by now have realized how big of a crush I have on Death Cab for Cutie's music. It's like there's regular music which I have ordinate amounts of respect for and interest in...and then there's Death Cab which I can't compare to other music on the same plane because that would feel like blasphemy. I'm not sure why this is, but Ben Gibbards' voice just doesn't fit in with everything else when I hit shuffle. SO I obviously have very high expectations for new Death Cab music. I also rate their songs on my iTunes thusly: 5 stars for my favorites as in I am constantly playing these songs in my head, 4 stars for really really awesome songs that I listen to regularly, 3 stars for songs that I can sing along to, unrated if I don't have strong feelings on them.

I will say that this is a band for people who like sitting and listening to music through their own headphones. It's always weird for me to hear their songs at the Daily Grind because I think of them as such a personal musical experience. It's all very introspective and thought-provoking and I am such a fan of all of their work. I was really pleased on my first listen through their latest album though it is so short. It will definitely be listened to a lot - I listened through four times in the first 48 hours of owning it. (Side note...music is way better when you listen to it a full album at a time.)

Also, Death Cab has a couple of distinctive sounds. Sometimes they're poppy, sometimes they sound more electronic or distorted, and sometimes they are slow or repetitive or just have long stretches without vocals. I love it because I can put all of their music on shuffle and get all kinds of songs without any super jarring shifts. This is the best way for me to start studying for finals...once I've gone through all of their songs I know I need to get serious about my work.

Why am I SO into them? This is a good question deserving more than a portion of a post for its answer, but I will be as brief as possible. Basically I think they can cover any emotion. The lyrics kind of grow up with you and you can get more out of them as you experience more things in life, but the songs are still enjoyable even when you don't have a huge emotional connection to them. But the more I listen to them, especially when I'm going through emotions (which is, to be clear, a very rare occurrence...you'll recall I'm about half-Vulcan), the more the songs will play in my head and the lyrics will come up when they fit my situation much later on. And I swear, I took like a year break from listening to them (not intentionally, I just didn't listen to a lot of my own music during senior year), and they would still be coming up in my head, even the obscure ones that I couldn't actually remember listening to. Every time I listen to any of their songs it's like revisiting a memory. They just paint these distinctive pictures in my head because the lyrics are so oddly specific in places, the metaphors are crazy, and I can picture a sunrise in most of them.

I don't know, I know there are other really good artists out there and I don't mean to sound like I don't appreciate any other groups or individuals, but I haven't found any other music that makes me feel the same way. Some of it has to do with my exposure to it at such a formative age (probably 14?) in terms of making my own decisions and deciding what my tastes were and then it being there for me throughout the changes in my life. Although these new songs obviously haven't been there...except for this week...there's something great about this band that makes me feel like I'm home even when hearing these songs for the first time.

1. Home is a Fire (4 stars)

Sounds like Different Names For the Same Thing (one of my favorites)

On the first listen I was not a fan. I watched the video and thought it was kind of artsy, but it sounds a lot better without it in my opinion. It's one that grows on you (I think this is the case for all of their songs). The vocals are distorted and shift between this and a more clear bridge, which is kind of cool and experimentalist of them (as that's what they say they're doing with this, their seventh album...).

2. Codes and Keys (4 stars)

Sounds like an upbeater Title and Registration mixed with Brothers on a Hotel Bed

Kind of epic and soaring, fits in well with Translatlanticism or Plans. Though I like its sound, its lyrics are nowhere near as good as the older albums. It's too generic...and it's kind of positive, which is not a bad thing but it's a little out of character lolol. Very echoey. It starts strong and continues to build in intensity, and the end is definitely worth it musically but like I said the lyrics are just kind of...what are you doing.

3. Some Boys

Sounds like You Can Do Better Than Me and I Was a Kaleidoscope

Very energetic, has an electric undercurrent. Interesting lyrics - definitely something that makes me think in a Death Cab-y way. It could super grow on me or it could just be decent. It's kind of infectious but forgettable at the same time and I think it's really a very subjective song (not that all songs are objective...that would be weird). The sound effect that is not drums is really weird and it reminds me of someone breathing creepily. But otherwise it's got a nice keyboardy part and Ben's voice sounds like one of the very early albums.

4. Doors Unlocked and Open (4 stars)

Sounds like Meet Me on the Equinox (but better) and We Laugh Indoors

Good long musical intro, which granted sounds a bit elementary, great pulsing chorus, but the part between these two is very much like We Laugh Indoors though not quite as good. The lyrics are kind of cute. When we get to the actual heart of the song, it is wonderful...it's just catchy and makes me want to jam in a Death Cab way (which is to say with my headphones in and no one judging me).

5. You Are a Tourist (3 stars)

Sounds like Your New Twin Sized Bed or (vaguely) A Move Script Ending or (maybe) Marching Bands of Manhattan

A little bit too repetitive (which is usually one of the things I like about Death Cab). It's pretty standard Death Cab so obviously it's not a bad song. I think I just haven't listened to it enough to appreciate it...? Maybe it will go up in rating later.

6. Unobstructed Views (4 stars)

Sounds like I Will Possess Your Heart

Awesome slowly-building-in-intensity intro...though not anything really new, I still like it a lot. By my third listen I already knew which parts I was anticipating, and then it was very gratifying to hear them. It's just like musical funfetti cake. So delicious. However, it probably won't go up in rating as I listen to it because it doesn't quite have the depth or uniqueness of a 5 star song.

7. Monday Morning

Sounds like a happier Death of an Interior Decorator or Expo '86

Very poppy, very Transatlanticism-y. The chorus is kind of funny, but I like that it has a distinct voice (though not necessarily a unique style compared to older songs). I like the authenticity it offers (I mean this is a plus for any of their songs...).

8. Portable television (3 stars)

Sounds like The Sound of Settling or No Sunlight except way amped up

Great melody, starts off fast and keeps its momentum throughout. Overall I really like it, though it takes a pretty stark departure from more traditionally Death Cab sounds in that it is a very happy song though I still get the feeling that no one is happy.

9. Underneath the Sycamore (3 stars)

Sounds like Marching Bands of Manhattan (my favorite)

Though this is a good song, in comparison to Marching Bands it is not that great. It has a nice familiar sound, but it sounds a bit like two different songs glued together...sometimes this works really well, but I'm not a huge fan of it here.

10. St Peter's Cathedral

Sounds like Grapevine Fires or the end of What Sarah Said

Starts off with minimal music and grows into an epic song - but not in like a legit epic way, like epic in the actual meaning of the word. It ends on a weird ethereal note and doesn't go as far as it could have. It's also about how there's nothing more to a church than its architecture? It's not painful to listen to by any means but it's definitely not a favorite.

11. Stay Young, Go Dancing (5 stars)

Sounds like no other Death Cab song everrrrr

This does not sound like Death Cab at all, but I love it! It's a little bit like Owl City, a little bit reminiscent of Lord of the Rings for some strange reason to me. It's very cute, authentic, folksy almost. I love it! Also, it's about Zooey Deschanel (Ben Gibbards' wife). Perfection.

(It took me five days since I started this post to finish it...I love this album and didn't want to do it injustice by merely stating that and nothing more. But seriously. Go listen to some Death Cab.)

visiting high school

I have several longer posts which I'm working on, but I realized that I was giving up frequent updates in order to have well-researched posts. So with that in mind I will try to alternate so that I don't just give up altogether on blogging, which would be a shame now that I've started this trend for everyone in intervarsity (ok, I'm not the original iv blogger, but I definitely think I made it mainstream).

Anyway, here's a bunch of my thoughts from today. I visited my high school again - I think this is like the fourth-ish time since graduation. I really have a bad memory of this but I know that I visited last semester or during winter break or something, and a couple of times freshman year. Most people I know wouldn't dream of stepping foot back in school after graduation so this may seem weird...I have a couple of reasons for going back.

1. I love my teachers. They are seriously so awesome. Even though when I visit I only get like five minutes to talk about my major and how much I love Williamsburg and how everything is the same in Chantilly, it is worth it. They taught me so much aside from the subject material that they were paid to teach me. There are five that I like to keep up with, and I got to see all of them today! And I feel like it's a continued 'thank you' to them that I continue wanting them to know about my life, because they did have such an impact on me.
2. I have expectations to fill. Somewhere around my junior year I started becoming well known for making baked goods. Not like they would do a yearbook story on me or anything big like that, but to the people who knew me, holidays (including summer break) meant two things: lots of homework to be assigned over break, and lots of baked goods from Marisa. Of course I still make stuff with my friends, but my teachers have these gaping holes in their lives and of course I have to provide sustenance to them.
3. I don't have much time. Once college is over there is very little chance I will go back to high school...that would be kind of weird. I'm actually not so sure I'll be going back anytime soon. My sister's graduating in a couple of weeks and at that point my family will be (finally) done with CHS. Four of my favorite teachers are currently teaching my sister, so it kind of makes sense for me to visit now...but this window of opportunity will be closing soon.

So, yes, I had to go back. There are a few things you need to know about my high school (wow, this is not the easy post I thought it would be). First, there are like 2800 kids there (or there were when I was...I think it's supposed to be a little smaller now). That's about all you need to know. The implications of this include weird security measures like the trespassing rules, a lot of anonymity, and a lot of competition for everything. There's a main office which normal people don't use, but administration has stuff there and as a newspaper kid I was in there a lot to talk to the principal or the finance officer or to put stuff in teacher's mailboxes. Instead of this office, all of our scheduling, counselors, absences, etc. were dealt with in our subschools, which divvied us up by last name.

I decided to get a visitor pass this time, because I do know of some alum who have been escorted out of the building for trespassing. I guess administration saw them talking to teachers. I think that this is dumb, and I was kind of scared of going to the main office because the secretary doesn't like me (or anyone), but there was a new lady there and it was fine. Instead of giving me a sticker visitor pass to wear, she gave me a photocopied sticker, the top of which had been cut off. Cool. I felt so legit carrying it around, and I decided to actually carry it with me everywhere just because I thought it was ridiculous that we don't even have stickers and the passes are black and white, poorly copied versions of stickers on which we aren't even required to write our name or the date. Whatever.

I went through the English hallway because I like the smell of it and because even though I was prominently holding my pass, I was (and am) still slightly terrified of security and they roam the main hall.

I first visited my econ teacher because now that I'm a declared econ major I felt like he would want to see me and eat more of my food. In his class we always had Food Fridays for which different people would sign up to bring delicious breakfast foods (I had it 1st period). Of course I would just bring desserts, but that was actually a common breakfast for me in high school (I told my doctor that when, if I ever, I ate breakfast it was like leftovers my mom had sitting out...she asked for an example of said leftovers and I said cookies. She was very concerned). So for one week for econ I made this new recipe that includes oats and chocolate and if you were at Jamie's birthday party this year you know what I'm talking about. It's very very sweet. When my teacher tried them he proclaimed that they were the best food that he had ever tasted and said they were heavenly. I didn't know the name of the recipe when he asked (I had to send it to him lolol)...later, he would request "bits of deliciousness" and I would make them a lot for him after that. So I wanted to make these last night, but then Chelsea wanted to watch the second half of Return of the Jedi, so instead I made cookies (my mom already had dough in the fridge...which reminds me, I have decided to continuously have cookie dough in our fridge next year. It is the best little snack ever and then you can make cookies on a whim!). But I kind of undercooked them because I hate burnt cookies and they were a little bit larger than the ones my mom usually bakes, so the cook time was off. I told him that they were kind of doughy (because of course I had one last night) and he told me that was excellent news, because he prefers cookie dough and only eats cookies because the socially acceptable way to consume cookie dough is to first bake it.

And then we talked about econ and my life plan.

And then my second stop, every time I visit school, is to see the newspaper room. I say this because it isn't really the kids or the teacher or even the publication that I like to visit, though I like all of those components. I really just like to see how the room and the staff is changing. It is so weird, because the seniors who are about to graduate were new to newspaper when I was editor so I still remember them as little, shy, eager, awkward...now they are just awkward. But they gave me a cookie and I chatted with one of my favorites and then I talked to my advisor who is also awkward, but it was good to see him doing well. I didn't really want to bring in baked goods, because like I said the seniors were the last of the people I knew, so I don't know most of their staff, and that would be weird. But I definitely brought in cupcakes and things last year when I knew most of the staff and they all liked it when I visited.

Then I wandered around a bit with my pass - I had to go see my religion teacher (who is now married to the newspaper advisor), since she had seen me in the hall already and told me to talk to her later. I felt very old when I was walking between classes, like a senior but better - you know how senior year you walk around like you own the place, because you know everyone important and you don't need a hall pass and everything you're doing is important? It was like that but cooler. But again, I did feel old...all of the boys looked like they belonged in middle school and I was seriously stumped trying to think why I ever thought seniors looked big. But anyway my religion teacher was with students, so I went and visited my government teacher (who again told me I needed a phd in economics and that the art club abandoned his mural...while he oversaw four different activities in his classroom) and my favorite English teacher (who reminded me that I need to read more this summer). Again I could have baked things for them but at this point I think I can stop bribing them to like me, and also there's no guarantee that I would get a chance to talk to them at all (I had only emailed my econ teacher to make sure that I could catch him at a good time, but to do this I had to promise something delicious).

When I went back to newspaper I saw my sister, who is in broadcast journalism which uses the same main room (though newspaper has its own back room where most of the procrastination and bonding...erm, I mean work occurs). We talked about how hungry we were and how she didn't want to take her statistics test. Now, I skipped school on a couple of occasions but I think they were all pretty legitimate. After morning AP exams I would leave to go to lunch with my mom. Sometimes during newspaper I would leave to visit our printing company. Once I had my mom call in for me so I could sleep in...but this was only because my teacher told us that we should all do this because he didn't want to have to teach after the AP exam. And the other times I skipped I was sick. The only thing I did to get out of boring classes (like the ones after APs when we were given packets to work through as reviews for the final exam, except I would finish the packet in two days and then have like five with nothing to do) was tell my teachers I had newspaper stuff to work on, which I usually did, though sometimes I would use that time to watch music videos. My sister, on the other hand, gets to leave when she is bored (though not every time...she would never go to school in that case). She will just text my mom in the middle of the day and say that she's watching Finding Nemo again and my mom will pity her and call her in sick. But whatever, I'm not bitter about this (because I actually hate skipping class)...eventually we decided that she should skip the rest of the day, so she texted my mom to let the subschool know she would be leaving, and then I got to talk to my religion teacher for like two minutes while she talked to her stat teacher.

And then we went home and watched X-Men.

quick fixes

• The hand soap in my bathroom is getting too low for it to pump out anymore, but I have discovered through my ingenuity (just kidding, I have been doing this for years) that you can just unscrew the top and then scoop some soap up with the tube, pull it out, slide the soap off the tube and success, you can now kill 99.9% of the bacteria on your hands! I love feeling handy. (That was terrible; I apologize.)
• I sorted my coins yesterday because I found one of those rolls to put $10 worth of quarters in. Then I discovered that I had enough dimes and literally just enough nickels to make rolls of them! But I had no rolls. I was so sad. They all had to go back in the same container. BUT WAIT - I have all of these ziploc bags leftover from AP psych notecards, so I just put the pre-counted coins in separate bags and put these back in my change container. Success!
• One of the lightbulbs in my lamp has been burned out for like three years. This isn't actually a success story, but I have been using my lamp without complaint for all this time and it hasn't really bothered me much.
• Random sketchy people friend me on facebook and I just ignore them. Sure, they're still kinda sketch and they are constantly hovering over me in terms of making me wonder if I know them or if I like them enough to be my friend. But whatever, as long as the notifications stop.

Unfortunately, these sorts of quick fixes don't apply to relationships with people beyond the age of kindergarten. Delaying confrontations, finding patches or substitutes, or literally ignoring the problems are great ways to deal with little annoyances with appliances or amenities but they are terrible ideas when it comes to people. There is no easy button. So much of these behaviors are avoidance which is really silly because we all know that communication can solve so many things, from misunderstandings to feelings of ostracism. Like, we all know that it is better to sit down with our roommates and say "Abby, you need to take out the trash. Like really. It is starting to smell." But sometimes I will just let the pile continue to grow and my anger to slowly build because she should just know that it is her turn. This is because humans are really bad at conflict resolution (just watch Judge Judy - it's on every weekday on Fox).

I like so much to be right or esteemed that I won't give in without a fight. Sometimes I refuse to comply just so that someone will call me out. This is so dumb. But it is why every time I am asked to pass the salt shaker or some other minimal request, I say no (and then I hand it over and then I look at the person's face and when they are confused I find it so funny). Now I'm about to get all Oprah, please don't freak out. But seriously, if I could just learn to esteem other people and their desires I would be way better at life. This is such a basic principle that it shouldn't come as a shock anymore, but every time I read Philippians 2 I feel like I have yet to fully adopt it.

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. (Phil. 2:1-3, NIV)

That is so convicting! I am full of selfish ambition! And I think that I can quickly fix just about anything...false. Only by following Christ's example of servitude and by relying on his strength can I let him fix the messy relationships I've gotten myself into. He's like an easy button, but it takes hanging up our pride and admitting that we need him before we will ever get anywhere.

two things

1. Death Cab for Cutie's latest album Codes and Keys came out today. Verdict? Excellent. Have only listened through once, will have more detailed thoughts later. I wanted to go to the store early and get it and listen to it all day so I would have thoughtful analysis of it by now, but I couldn't go to Target until the afternoon (also I woke up at like 12:30) and then my computer wouldn't recognize the disc and then it had to be imported, and then my friend had the audacity to interrupt this process to hang out with me like ALL NIGHT so I didn't get to start listening to it until about an hour ago (the whole cd is only 45 minutes, kind of disappointing - and yet they are an excellent way to spend 45 minutes so I am not complaining). It probably would have been easier if I had succumbed to iTunes and just upgraded to version 10 or whatever so I could buy it that way. But I really like looking at album artwork and it's much more satisfying to hold the cd case in your hand (and of course add it to my awesome collection of cds...which is mostly Point of Grace, Out of Eden, Michelle Branch and B*Witched lolol). Anyway, I listened to it as I cleaned more in my room. This is getting insane. I even sorted through my junk drawers (now I have a sentimental junk drawer and a potentially-useful-in-the-future junk drawer, instead of them being jumbled together).
2. I currently own/have in my sight 6 jump drives. Does this reflect a deep psychological problem of compulsive hoarding and the underlying societal norm of conspicuous consumption (thank you for your insight, Thorstein Veblen), or is this just a benefit of being a) my dad's daughter and b) a product of the era of high school journalism before shared servers? Also, I have heard jump drive, flash drive, memory stick, and possibly several other terms to describe the same piece of technology. Well, that's cool. But I feel like there are so many other places where our vocabularies could expand. (According to Wikipedia, which I have already established as my source of ultimate fact-checking, the official standardized name is USB flash drive.) I'm thinking mostly of those words in other languages that we don't have singular words for, like the itch above your lip right before you drink something. Oh well, you can't just have words for everything. Thankfully the word Bieberlicious has recently been added to my vocabulary, and it isn't going away any time soon.

some old poems

2005-8 throwback BUT FIRST I just want to say that I spent a good amount of my memorial day remembering things from my past, because I was cleaning out my notebooks from high school because I wanted more shelf space. I remembered some pretty great things and then all of a sudden I stumbled across stuff that I had completely forgotten, all of which is super lolzy (for example, I found a blog that I forgot I had started from 2005). I thought I'd share some of the things I'd found which will only be poems because otherwise this would be super unorganized. So some of these are lolzy and some are kind of good and some are really good (if I'm allowed to say that about my own writing).

"Self"

Is it possible to run away from oneself?
From one's conscience?
From one's guilt?
From one's fears?

I've never heard of it being done before,
yet it sounds like a most wonderful thing.
To be free of preconceptions,
stereotypes, and (here's the best part) pasts.

Some days I wonder why I'm stuck with myself.
Why does my mind reprimand me?
Why does my tongue seem to hate me?
Why do I, of all people, have to be the one stuck with me?

I attempted running away from myself
on the Tuesday before last
but it didn't work so well.
I ended up with a headache,
sore legs,
and a worser self to be stuck with.

Is it possible to run away from oneself?
Won't someone please let me know if it is?
But then, maybe it'd be worse to know that it was,
just not for me.

"When the World Ends"

Up is like down
when the world is flipped about,
Light is like dark
when the stars fade out.
Dry is like wet
when we've all drowned in tears,
Courage is like cowardice
when we've fallen to our fears.

In is like out
when there's no place to be,
Speaking is like silence
when no one listens to me.
Warm is like cold
when I have no more friends,
Love is like hate
when the world ends.

Untitled 3/28/07

Cough cough! You're dead.

Though I spread of my own accord,

rest assured that you killed yourself too.

Where would I be if not for messy hands

and dirty floors, public places and the great outdoors?

Oh! That you would be foolish forever,

ignorant; but I don't need to worry: humans

don't change, it's just us germs that do.

And only one of us will live forever.

Will it be you?

Not with me in your head.

Cough cough! You're dead.

"The Rule Poem"

Consuming, always burning

let embers embrace emotions

What do you see in your reflection?

Oh, but you only hear thunderous silence

To know the joy of sound

and not know so much sympathy

But what a bittersweet symphony

to not know silence, not appreciate light; you taste fear

Even rocks sing as they tumble, a rumbling song

still your envy is green as their moss

To be like anyone else

you raise daily prayers

Will you wait for death?

Put on your dancing shoes.

Tap!

You can feel it - no more yearning

"vicious you"

Poised brilliance

Anguished gleam

of something

flowing underneath

thumping cylinders

'round legs

Enticing zing

not quite

what dreamed

Jaded hope

'X' marks

in you

Vicious kite

Vicious, flowing, thumping

round marks of zing

anguished hope underneath

'X' something.

Enticing legs quite poised

dreamed kite in cylinders

What gleam?

Not brilliance.

Jaded you.

Anguished dreamed gleam; jaded

marks poised something;

vicious you.

Brilliance enticing hope

kite? not quite

thumping. what? zing.

Cylinders flowing in legs

of round

underneath 'X.'

"geese"

A bulging see-organ penetrates surroundings

Lack of opposable thumbs lets bill do work

Of cross-webbed saunter little brittany laughs

Color is nothing to sleek leathery touch

"seamstress meets wordsmith"

mend broken thoughts

stitch ripped fragments

hem in tangents

headline:

seamstress meets wordsmith in torrid affair

patch up consciousness holes, those nasty blanks

that smooth click of pen and paper, needle and thread

becoming something

complete

And then there is a SUPER LOLZY, like LOLZIEST OF LOLZ poem that is full of angst which I'm not posting because it is literally the worst thing I have ever written. I am hoping that I meant it ironically. One golden line: Sometimes I just need to let it all our [I think I meant out], to pour out my soul in writing. Oh dear. Don't worry, past!Marisa, it gets better.