the hunger games

I will freely admit that one of the reasons I didn't read The Hunger Games last summer when everyone was obsessing over it was that I hate appearing mainstream. I don't want to take the popular opinion of society and adopt it on my own; I don't want to get involved in a movement precisely because other people are doing it. I like being my own person and making my own decisions.

But the other reason I didn't want to read it was that I have an obsessive personality when it comes to fiction. I revisit books, movies and tv shows because I love the characters; because I sometimes think they're real; because I get a kick out of experiencing the same emotions over and over again (Harry Potter anyone?). I had heard that The Hunger Games was an emotionally-charged series and I knew that I should steer clear of it if I wanted to be able to sleep at night.

So when I picked it up last week to read it, I knew full well what I was getting myself into--but I couldn't stand to be left out of the conversations that were happening with greater frequency as the movie release approached. And I knew I couldn't go see the movie without reading the book as that would offend my literary nature.

Once I finished reading the book and watching the movie (both occurring last weekend), there I was in my obsessive state. I couldn't sleep for at least an hour as I mulled over thoughts of Peeta's motivations, Katniss's coldness and the implications they had for my life (and the rest of the books which I have yet to get my hands on). I just kept thinking of what they must have been feeling and wondered what could possibly move the characters from where they were at the end of the book to where they would be at the end of the series (it's already been told to me nbd).

I realized that I would have to put an end to this thinking before I started thinking that they were more real than my real life. The challenge this week for ReLENTless ACT:S of Sacrifice is to sacrifice what consumes you so my goal is to stop being consumed by The Hunger Games. I'm not tryna read the rest of the series in one day; I'll do it when I have the time and when I know it's ok for me to get lost in a fictional world for a day or two. But this will be hard...whenever my mind stops to wander around I end up thinking of the last interaction Peeta and Katniss had and the abundance of emotions that entailed. And here's the thing...I know it's a story, I know it's an overused plot device, I know the bigger implications are about society--and I think about those too, about the situation that the Capitol is in and how they don't know any better than to enjoy murder because that's how they were raised. Could any human be conditioned to that or do they, somewhere inside, know that it's wrong? Is there any room for absolutes in Panem? Or is it the relative decadence versus poverty that makes it all seem so bad?

So now that those thoughts are out there, maybe I can try and think about real life and real justice and real absolutes this week instead of a girl whose idea of radical is to honor an ally's death while ignoring a victim twenty feet away. She may have been sending a rebellious message to the Capitol but if you ask me, putting some flowers around that other kill would have been the coolest thing since Harry Potter "saved" Gabrielle Delacour. I guess Katniss doesn't have a hero complex, just a survival instinct.

bad habits

What I'm about to write might not rub you the right way. You may disagree with me completely, or find me lacking some nuanced understanding of habits/addiction/etc.

I'm still going to say it:

Being "addicted to coffee" is just as unhealthy as being addicted to alcohol.

I don't want to see my friends (or myself) falling into patterns of addiction to anything that isn't wholly and completely good for them, and I can only think of one thing that you can't have too much of: God. Even being addicted to drinking out of my camelbak is pretty unhealthy when you think about it. I still sip it even when I know I've run out of water 30 minutes prior - how messed up is that? It's a habit that has ceased feeding me good things (water) - but if I did have water in there, I would keep drinking until I literally became overhydrated. (I am 95% convinced that this would happen if I had unlimited water and if I didn't have to consciously refill my bottle.) I have so little self control!

I drink coffee every day even though I really have no need for it...it tastes good and gives me a little boost that I could have gotten just by allowing myself to sleep properly. I spend money, time and energy getting this drink that I have no physical need for but the one that I created myself by starting to drink it.

This can also describe alcohol. I love the taste of wine - it's enjoyable to drink with friends - but again I have no need for it. Similar to coffee, it's not bad in itself or in moderation. But when I start to desire something - whether it's every time I go to the grocery store or walk by the Daily Grind - I'm starting a habit that is really difficult to break. I'm certainly capable of stopping and saying, "If I really wanted more energy I would just go for a run." But if more often than not I'm reaching for my wallet to get a $1.50 small Italian roast from the Grind, I think that's unhealthy. I think everything in moderation is fine. But if I make a habit of drinking coffee every morning (or having a glass of wine every time I cook dinner) isn't that going beyond a moderate consumption - and verging toward dependence? If I'm going to be in a terrible mood if I don't get my coffee, then wouldn't it be better to just not have any and start depending not on caffeine but on my relationship with God?

Food for thought. But I think I need to start evaluating my "need" for coffee more regularly.

growing up is hard to do

Matthew 5:43-48

The Message (MSG)

^43-47"You're familiar with the old written law, 'Love your friend,' and its unwritten companion, 'Hate your enemy.' I'm challenging that. I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that.

⁴⁸"In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you."

ethical dilemma

I have an ethical dilemma which will sound at first terrible, then like not a big deal, then really truly horrible again as I walk through my explanation of it.

Terrible: I am all about taking things that don't belong to me.

But, not actually a big deal: What I mean to say is that I compulsively grab extra napkins, utensils, packs of sugar, samples, pencils, mints - anything I can get for no cost. It's kind of bad, but everyone does it to some extent...and after all, those sugar packets at Wawa are there for the customer, right? Is there a line between acceptable and unacceptable consumption of free products? My behavior certainly isn't extreme enough to catch the attention of an employee. Also, as a utility-maximizing individual I obviously don't want to spend money on that which is freely available to me, as I could easily use it on other items which I would enjoy having.

I have two problems with this which make it really, truly horrible:

1. If I have learned anything from high school and college, it's that Garrett Hardin is probably the most influential article-namer ever and that ecology somehow relates to every subject there is. People love talking about the "Tragedy of the Commons" - the idea that people exploit a limited resource (land...or plastic...or sugar) because they don't own it and don't get to a) reap the benefits of leftovers or b) observe just how much is being consumed. Knowing this, I experience a lot of cognitive dissonance because I know that everyone faces the same incentives as I do and only education can get people to stop over-consuming, barring a total restructuring of free giveaways (eg keeping napkins behind the counter and making people ask for them). So that's the purely cognitive reason I feel bad.
2. I don't think that I'm just a physical being who exists for a while and then ceases to exist. I think humans have a responsibility to maintain their health, help those around them and work to leave their environment better than it was when they found it. We have thoughts and emotions for a reason and we have guilty consciences for a purpose - because there's something that we ought to do and we feel bad when we don't. Collectively, we're the stewards of this planet - so my little part, whether it's recycling or just not wasting material that doesn't (or does...) belong to me, is kind of a big deal. How can I hold others to this standard if I myself don't show that I value it through my actions?

So would it solve my problem if I just paid for these things? Wouldn't that also be wasteful? Shouldn't I stop using sugar in my coffee altogether if I'm really worried about waste?

Yes and no. No, because sugar can and should be enjoyed if it's properly obtained. Paying for it gives more information to grocery stores or other providers and helps markets determine the actual demand and the price that it should sell at in order to be sold in sustainable amounts. I'm not sure if it matters whether Wawa buys it or I do - but Wawa isn't making a profit from it so we can assume that I would probably have a higher willingness to pay, since I actually care whether I get it or not. If everyone just bought their own sugar (I don't think this shift would have a large effect), then perhaps the prices on all goods at Wawa would fall to better reflect their operating costs and this could reduce inefficiency. Similarly sugar prices could rise just a little bit when sold straight to consumers which would probably benefit everyone.

But yes, I should pay for these things, because I could significantly cut back on my waste if I suddenly had an incentive not to use plastic bags for my groceries or not to get a plastic fork at a restaurant - because suddenly, I wouldn't be willing to take them. I have bags and forks at home! So being forced to pay for these things would probably be good all around. [Let me clarify: I'm not saying free mints are a bad thing and that they ruin the market for after-dinner mints. But there are clearly some products which are available for free which don't need to be used at all (grocery store bags, for example) and there are some products which could be consumed at more reasonable levels if they had a cost attached to them (like sugar packets or online movies or what have you).]

Is this blog post going to significantly affect any markets or the well-being of the planet? Definitely not. Will it alter my behavior? Maybe. I can't estimate the magnitude of effects these actions have, but I can say that I'll be living a more fulfilling life by honoring God and thinking a minute about how to honor both his creation and his commands of stewardship.

head vs. heart

I'm going to continue to quote lyrics to make my points for me. See Death Cab for Cutie's Crooked Teeth:

I'm a war of head versus heart,

and it's always this way.

My head is weak, my heart always speaks

before I know what it will say.

I love this song. I used to think that this directly applied to me, like Ben Gibbard was singing to my soul. I enjoy being a very rational person but of course I have emotions and sometimes I felt like I was just following those instead of my logic. I felt like there were two opposing sides to me: Spock and Kirk, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff, Economics and English, and probably most significantly: student and Christian.

But religion isn't all about emotions just like it isn't all about singing songs or making cookies. The real struggle is between the natural self and the supernatural - my nature is to act based on a combination of my changing mood and my logic (which is essentially focused on maximizing utility). That is a terrible natural state to be in! My mood can go haywire at the mention of one word and my logic is really dumb considering the fact that I value my personal utility/comfort/health/pleasure like 10 times higher than anyone else's utility. If I stop listening to my natural self and start listening to something that's more wise than my wisdom and more understanding than my limited scope of emotions - then that's when we're getting somewhere. I'm not just talking about the goodness of my heart, because let's face it, that's pretty self-centered. I'm talking about the Holy Spirit.

When I start listening to him I start making really good decisions because I stop caring about appearing consistent or perfect to other people and I don't have to debate which side of me I should give more weight to. Obviously I still use reasoning and I let compassion motivate me but I should never have to decide between a "rational choice" and an "emotional choice," listening to my head OR to my heart. God can use both of them to show me what to do and in the end they shouldn't have to conflict - listening to the Spirit might not lead me to something that I want to do but it will always lead me to something that I know both in my head AND in my heart is good because it aligns with the nature of God - which is pure goodness.

If you're curious - this is what made me start thinking about this:

1 Corinthians 2:10b-16

The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. ¹¹ For who knows a person’s thoughts except their own spirit within them? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. ¹² What we have received is not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may understand what God has freely given us. ¹³This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, explaining spiritual realities with Spirit-taught words. ¹⁴ The person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God but considers them foolishness, and cannot understand them because they are discerned only through the Spirit. ¹⁵ The person with the Spirit makes judgments about all things, but such a person is not subject to merely human judgments, ¹⁶ for,

“Who has known the mind of the Lord
so as to instruct him?”

But we have the mind of Christ.

paradoxes

I love a good paradox. In Comedy, Tragedy and Religion (yeah that's a class here; be jelly), we're learning about how comedy always comes out of tragedy: humor is just another way to look at an incongruity in life and can only be found after a misfortune. So really, being silly or humorous is having the ability to turn a bad situation good. I'm okay with that assessment...it makes sense, then, that a similar sense of humor is so important in a friend! But it's an odd thought - I would naturally think that comedy comes exclusively out of good situations and tragedy of bad.

There are some really interesting mathematical or logical paradoxes out there, including one of my favorite statistics exercises: the Monty Hall problem (read on your own if you're unfamiliar; this blog ain't no stats textbook).

There are some paradoxes that make total sense on an emotional level and zero sense on a rational level, which can often be found in lyrics that are ridiculous but still resonate with you. As you should know I've recently been listening to a lot of Third Eye Blind, and I have it on good authority (the interwebs) that one of their best concert songs is Motorcycle Drive By. It sounds pretty cool and there's some good raw emotion (both sad and somewhat angry/happy?). But more interestingly, the lyrics remind me of one of my favorite songs by Something Corporate. Compare:

Chorus in I Woke Up in a Car:

Well I woke up in a car

I traced away the fog

so I could see the Mississippi on her knees

I've never been so lost

I've never felt so much at home

please write my folks and throw away my keys

Chorus in Motorcycle Drive By:

And there's this burning

like there's always been

I've never been so alone

and I've, I've never been so alive

Okay, so maybe this isn't a study of great lyrics; they're both rather whiny and adolescent punk songs about not being in love which were each popular ages ago (2002/1997) and reference both NYC and driving. Regardless, it's an interesting sentiment. Why should being alone make you alive or feeling lost make you feel at home? Obviously the point is that it's when you're forced to fend for yourself that you truly grow up, whether you want to or not. It's a kind of sad realization but it's necessary and that's what the songs say (not just with their words but with their tones).

At this point I probably sound just as melodramatic as Andrew McMahon, so let me continue. I don't think it's necessary to go and live life on your own and not have relationships - but I also don't think it's a good idea to become entirely codependent on someone as the protagonists previously were (on parents and on this girl), letting yourself or your happiness be defined by them. That's really where paradoxes get intriguing to me. We have to invest in relationships but we can't lose the will to live when they eventually fail us. How can you say you're really invested if you're anticipating an end? This is one of the many reasons that having a relationship with God matters - he never lets go and he doesn't change or get a new boyfriend who takes up all his time or suddenly decide that your friendship isn't mature/fun/easy/good enough. Rooting yourself in a relationship with him enables you to invest in relationships without having to worry about getting burned - because those other relationships can't define you.

This bears emphasizing: faith that God exists and faith that he'll provide for me don't define me either. The series of decisions that I make to listen to his voice, learn about his character, follow his commands, mimic his love and spend time with him every day - these are what define me. These are what make a relationship: not just a commitment or a proclamation of faith but innumerable actions and attitude adjustments, some conscious and some not. Theology can be tricky but, as with all paradoxes, studying it yields truth rather than easy answers, which is fitting for a world full of difficult questions.

concerts

I'm one of those really awkward people who for the most part avoids concerts because I have to stand or dance or jump and I basically just feel like I have to appear cool all the time because for some reason I assume that everyone is looking at me and can tell that I don't know how to have fun.

That said, I think that live music is really cool and so I generally have to weigh the pros and cons of my expected experience in order to pick the option (between going and not going) that will maximize my utility. Yes, some people actually think like this. No, I don't think it's entirely healthy. Anyway, for the most part I have really positive memories associated with the concerts I've attended with the exception of a really weird free rap concert at Lake Matoaka. My all-time favorite concert has to be Something Corporate's reunion tour, which came as the culmination of listening to nothing but SoCo and Maroon 5 for three months. I obviously knew every single song and almost every single word and Andrew McMahon is basically just amazing.

This experience has led me to believe that if I listen to enough of a band I will never be disappointed by their concerts. I don't think that this is true to real life (see: Owl City, come on Adam Young you're just awkward). But in any case I'm listening to as much Third Eye Blind as I can for the next week and a half in preparation for Charter Day. Considering the fact that almost all of their songs are kind of secretly about drugs I'm not sure if this is a good plan or not, but I figure I'll at least consider my $15 well-spent and will attempt to circumvent any cognitive dissonance or yearning to win back my opportunity cost of having a Saturday night in.

If you're also thinking about going, here's my advice: just listen to Motorcycle Driveby five times and you'll be convinced that they're a good band, obviously memorize Semi-Charmed Life and Jumper so you don't feel uncultured, and don't pay attention to the lyrics in Slow Motion or you'll be kind of weirded out.