music loves

I have a new playlist on spotify called music loves. This is to distinguish songs from mere "music crushes" which are perfectly pleasant songs, but could come or go in my graces. A song now has to graduate from music crushes, and either goes to "music loves" or goes back into the oblivion of all music ever. I'm really excited about this new development in my organization of music and I hope successfully helps me differentiate songs!

Side note: this does not directly relate to starred songs, which could be on either or neither playlist. Music crushes are like new, popular, catchy songs that I like but that need some testing time to see if I can stand them for several months. Music loves are obviously great songs that make me happy to listen to them (even if they're sad songs). Starred songs are all good songs that I generally approve of, but haven't especially distinguished themselves. And nope, JBiebs hasn't made it to music loves.

Check it outttt!

a note to myself on a good day from C.S. Lewis

"If you have sound nerves and intelligence and health and popularity and a good upbringing, you are likely to be quite satisfied with your character as is. 'Why drag God into it?' you may ask. A certain level of good conduct comes fairly easily to you. You are not one of those wretched creatures who are always being tripped up by sex, or dipsomania, or nervousness, or bad temper. Everyone says you are a nice chap and (between ourselves) you agree with them. You are quite likely to believe that all this niceness is your own doing: and you may easily not feel the need for any better kind of goodness. Often people who have all these natural kinds of goodness cannot be brought to recognise their need for Christ at all until, one day, the natural goodness lets them down and their self-satisfaction is shattered. In other words, it is hard for those who are 'rich' in this sense to enter the Kingdom."

- C.S. Lewis in Mere Christianity

best econ pick up lines

• Is that a supply curve in your pocket?

...I'm sorry, I should have said best econ pick up line, because nothing can top that.

career planes

Today I was thinking about the major culture shock I experienced when I went from being homeschooled to attending a public high school of 2800 students. Aside from waking up early, meeting new people, making friends, having strict deadlines and figuring out PE, probably the roughest thing for me was figuring out the expectations I was supposed to be fulfilling. While some teachers would give us a detailed syllabus, I still had difficulty figuring out what was required reading, how to prepare for an exam and--most frustrating--how long they actually meant for my papers to be (does "4 pages" mean double-spaced or single-spaced? Do I count references or headers?). I really just wanted explicit directions before I could get started.

This got me thinking about an analogy for life. We start with some toys and we slowly begin to learn various unrelated things--the color wheel, multiplication, subject-verb agreement, the water cycle. These are tools that we all need at some point in our life but which may seem pointless and frustrating when you first learn them. This is analogous to learning a set of instructions for a task that you don't understand; you just know some basic math, communication skills and safety precautions.

So then you get to high school. You're expected to analyze situations and formulate opinions, but you're still expanding on that initial set of instructions that you learned. You're finding out the reason that they work but you still don't understand why you need them. At this time, you're introduced to the task that you're going to be expected to complete: you get an idea in your head that you're going to have to find a job, but you can't picture it and all of your work is highly irrelevant to that task of choosing a career.

Here's where things diverge. Either you go to college or you find a job, but in either case you're expected to begin the process of self-sufficiency. So you have your set of instructions and as soon as you graduate high school you can clearly see the task in front of you. In our analogy let us picture this as an airplane; up until this point you were picturing the planes your parents fly but you didn't know what yours would look like. You hop into the plane and expect everything to be great, but realize that there are a lot of things that your training didn't cover.

Suppose you go to college and realize that you have some time before your plane has to take off. You might find a co-pilot somewhere along the way, but even they can't tell you where you're flying. You spend some time learning new things: how to live with other people, how to complete ambiguous assignments, how to speak Russian, whatever. And while these are more practical than your previous experiences, they don't tell you how to navigate a plane at all. By the time you get to senior year, the engines are revving up and you're moving to the runway. Everything is shaky and scary and you suddenly have a fear of being up in the air even though you know that you've been training for this for years and that everyone else seems to handle it just fine. But every time you've been in another airplane, your parents were there and they knew how to figure out insurance and groceries and rent and taxes; this time, it seems like you have to know everything.

Once you're in the air, you remember that you still don't know where your destination is. So you just start flying and it feels great but you're burning up fuel. You may have to transfer flights halfway through your journey, and this is terrifying on the descent but once you're in the new plane you realize that this is a much nicer ride and that you really needed that extra fuel. Eventually you have to land. You've come as far as the plane can take you and you think you're ready to just get off. But as you near the ground you start thinking about the future and start wondering what it will be like without the comfort of your cockpit: you know everything you need to about flying a plane but now it's of little use to anyone. Even if you try to tell your kids about it, you realize that they need to fly by themselves in order to get anything out of it. So you land--it might be bumpy--and then you get out of the plane and you stare at it for a little while. You don't know who you are without it. You turn your back and walk away but you can't help but think of it when the morning comes and there aren't any switches to flip or people to call.

Here's the thing. I can't even see my plane. I don't know if it's an economy-sized plane or what. I'm going to climb into it in a year and I know it will be fine, but when it comes time to land I don't want to look back and realize that because I'm retired I no longer have an identity. Don't let your career/plane/destination define you...you spend most of your time making little decisions or even making small talk, and when you're up in the air, the color of the plane and the travel route really don't make any difference. What matters is how closely you're listening to your air traffic controller: are you taking directions from your gut or from someone who can see the big picture? We all have these big plans for our flights but if we all just go at it alone, sooner or later someone will get hurt. You're not always going to get explicit directions; you will have to rely on your previous training. But if you listen closely you may be able to avoid a crash.

What it comes down to is this: can you trust someone who you can't even see? Do you trust God or are you really tryna fly solo?

the hunger games

I will freely admit that one of the reasons I didn't read The Hunger Games last summer when everyone was obsessing over it was that I hate appearing mainstream. I don't want to take the popular opinion of society and adopt it on my own; I don't want to get involved in a movement precisely because other people are doing it. I like being my own person and making my own decisions.

But the other reason I didn't want to read it was that I have an obsessive personality when it comes to fiction. I revisit books, movies and tv shows because I love the characters; because I sometimes think they're real; because I get a kick out of experiencing the same emotions over and over again (Harry Potter anyone?). I had heard that The Hunger Games was an emotionally-charged series and I knew that I should steer clear of it if I wanted to be able to sleep at night.

So when I picked it up last week to read it, I knew full well what I was getting myself into--but I couldn't stand to be left out of the conversations that were happening with greater frequency as the movie release approached. And I knew I couldn't go see the movie without reading the book as that would offend my literary nature.

Once I finished reading the book and watching the movie (both occurring last weekend), there I was in my obsessive state. I couldn't sleep for at least an hour as I mulled over thoughts of Peeta's motivations, Katniss's coldness and the implications they had for my life (and the rest of the books which I have yet to get my hands on). I just kept thinking of what they must have been feeling and wondered what could possibly move the characters from where they were at the end of the book to where they would be at the end of the series (it's already been told to me nbd).

I realized that I would have to put an end to this thinking before I started thinking that they were more real than my real life. The challenge this week for ReLENTless ACT:S of Sacrifice is to sacrifice what consumes you so my goal is to stop being consumed by The Hunger Games. I'm not tryna read the rest of the series in one day; I'll do it when I have the time and when I know it's ok for me to get lost in a fictional world for a day or two. But this will be hard...whenever my mind stops to wander around I end up thinking of the last interaction Peeta and Katniss had and the abundance of emotions that entailed. And here's the thing...I know it's a story, I know it's an overused plot device, I know the bigger implications are about society--and I think about those too, about the situation that the Capitol is in and how they don't know any better than to enjoy murder because that's how they were raised. Could any human be conditioned to that or do they, somewhere inside, know that it's wrong? Is there any room for absolutes in Panem? Or is it the relative decadence versus poverty that makes it all seem so bad?

So now that those thoughts are out there, maybe I can try and think about real life and real justice and real absolutes this week instead of a girl whose idea of radical is to honor an ally's death while ignoring a victim twenty feet away. She may have been sending a rebellious message to the Capitol but if you ask me, putting some flowers around that other kill would have been the coolest thing since Harry Potter "saved" Gabrielle Delacour. I guess Katniss doesn't have a hero complex, just a survival instinct.

bad habits

What I'm about to write might not rub you the right way. You may disagree with me completely, or find me lacking some nuanced understanding of habits/addiction/etc.

I'm still going to say it:

Being "addicted to coffee" is just as unhealthy as being addicted to alcohol.

I don't want to see my friends (or myself) falling into patterns of addiction to anything that isn't wholly and completely good for them, and I can only think of one thing that you can't have too much of: God. Even being addicted to drinking out of my camelbak is pretty unhealthy when you think about it. I still sip it even when I know I've run out of water 30 minutes prior - how messed up is that? It's a habit that has ceased feeding me good things (water) - but if I did have water in there, I would keep drinking until I literally became overhydrated. (I am 95% convinced that this would happen if I had unlimited water and if I didn't have to consciously refill my bottle.) I have so little self control!

I drink coffee every day even though I really have no need for it...it tastes good and gives me a little boost that I could have gotten just by allowing myself to sleep properly. I spend money, time and energy getting this drink that I have no physical need for but the one that I created myself by starting to drink it.

This can also describe alcohol. I love the taste of wine - it's enjoyable to drink with friends - but again I have no need for it. Similar to coffee, it's not bad in itself or in moderation. But when I start to desire something - whether it's every time I go to the grocery store or walk by the Daily Grind - I'm starting a habit that is really difficult to break. I'm certainly capable of stopping and saying, "If I really wanted more energy I would just go for a run." But if more often than not I'm reaching for my wallet to get a $1.50 small Italian roast from the Grind, I think that's unhealthy. I think everything in moderation is fine. But if I make a habit of drinking coffee every morning (or having a glass of wine every time I cook dinner) isn't that going beyond a moderate consumption - and verging toward dependence? If I'm going to be in a terrible mood if I don't get my coffee, then wouldn't it be better to just not have any and start depending not on caffeine but on my relationship with God?

Food for thought. But I think I need to start evaluating my "need" for coffee more regularly.

growing up is hard to do

Matthew 5:43-48

The Message (MSG)

^43-47"You're familiar with the old written law, 'Love your friend,' and its unwritten companion, 'Hate your enemy.' I'm challenging that. I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that.

⁴⁸"In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you."