patience

Random thoughts on patience:

• Can you be patient for something you're unsure of? Or is that just trusting God/being peaceful?
• Patience is like a muscle which requires exercising to improve its strength. But sometimes we're called to exert more than we think we can handle.
• Patience and peace can cause each other or be intricately related, but they're not the same thing.
• God was first patient with us (love is patient...only God can perfectly love).
• Corollary: true, pure patience (not self-interested) can only come from God.
• Why is patience so important in love? Is it about respecting other people? Is it about respecting God's timing? Is it about forgiveness--being patient with faults? Is it always temporal, or can it be about something less tangible like being patient for someone's maturity?
• Patience can shed light on an abundance of other topics in our lives or virtues which we aspire to attain. So many things require patience first. Patience is sometimes just about letting go of the illusion of control.

Hmmmmm.

4th of July

I love the 4th of July. It's the perfect day of summer: everyone wears the same colors, everyone enjoys the warm nights, and everyone gets crazy by trying to plan the best celebration ever. Some of the my most vivid memories come from the 4th, from midnight swimming to getting stuck in a museum exhibit featuring lots of bones during a thunderstorm/power outage (it was pitch black and I was a little more than terrified). But the most interesting 4th has to be from my childhood:

Circa 1996 we celebrated at my grandma's house and we all took family pictures and my sister and I wore matching dresses. We had these dolls named Rachel and Rebekah who had matching dresses as well (which my mom made). Rachel was about the size of an American Girl doll and she had curly blonde hair and a squishy body. Rebekah had lighter blonde hair in two braids and she was a little bit bigger than a Barbie. Now Rebekah was the best doll in the world. I have no memories of her aside from this day, but for at least the duration of the day I was obsessed with her. In our family pictures my sister got to hold Rebekah (I think because she was the littler doll) and I had to hold Rachel, and I was not happy about it. I was upset and didn't want to be in the picture but my parents somehow made me sit down and hold Rachel (I think I cried a lot before relenting). But there was one thing that they could not make me do: smile. So in our family pictures, instead of making an angry face or sucking it up and smiling, I just looked passively away from the camera into the distance with a meaningless expression. Hipster child in the making.

Almost every 4th since then has been spent with my sister in some fashion, whether in our neighborhood or in DC or in Williamsburg (the first year I went to DC she stayed at home and we got rained on forever--I think that's been our only separation). So it's very strange to me to not have her with me to play cards and find overpriced food and go for a swim...I'm missing her a lot. :/

Anyway, personal and historical significance, it's just a great day of summer. There's a lot of pressure on it to be the best day ever, but random adventures make it the most fun and it's one of the few times when I support a complete lack of planning. Also, the fireworks in CW this year may have been the best fireworks I've ever seen, no pressure 2013.

halfway there!

The year is halfway over! Recently I've been worrying about a lot of things that are coming up...applying to graduate school, figuring out how to balance my time when it's senior year and I just want to hang out and do senior things, to honors thesis or not to honors thesis (I'm turning it into a verb don't even worry), Urbana, NomCom, apartment; you name it and I've been worried about it. Last year I felt really convicted to "be where I am" and that thought occurred again to me when I realized that the year was only halfway over, and yet I was sitting here worrying about the next six months...in reality, I think the next six months can take care of themselves as they get here.

What reminded me of this fact (aside from it being July--I couldn't get my calendar to hang up so it's not even a new page that's reminding me) is that I'm reading through the Bible this year with Katie (/Katie's home church). We just finished the book of Psalms and are about to start reading it again (everything else we're only reading once). I thought about where I would likely be the next time I finished reading Psalms--at Urbana, my grad school apps will be done, the new IV exec will be decided, sleepover month will have been a success and (I hope) most of my friends will still like me and still hang out with me. I'll be content. Or maybe I'll be miserable, or maybe I still won't know what I'm doing after college, or maybe I'll be voted out of my apartment for making too many cupcakes. Wherever I am, I'll be praising God.

How do I know this? Because the God who inspired the Psalms doesn't change. He is praiseworthy all the time, and his goodness does not depend on my happiness (or on my existence--hey, the world could end before I even get my Christmas presents). Even if I'm in a different place than I expect, God will be just as good. I will have the same need for grace (probably more of it). And I hope that my desire for him will be stronger than ever, despite the uncertainties I'll continue to face in 2013.

It's so easy to say that I trust God but hard to put into practice, but hopefully blogging about this will remind me every time I read a psalm to put my faith in the Lord and not in myself--not in my contingency plans, not in my rationality, and certainly not in my ability to keep calm and carry on throughout the challenges facing me.

interesting things

One of the reasons I haven't been posting a lot on my blog is that I'm pretty sure my life is devoid of interesting things. I'm not experiencing a new culture or making a huge transition, and you might think: this is strange, since Marisa had possibly the most boring summer ever last year and still managed to entertain people with her blog. I guess that's because I was blogging about thoughts instead of experiences? In any case, I started to feel particularly boring, so here are some things that I've been up to and I suppose qualify as interesting, if you're really into the slightly mundane aspects of life:

• I took the GRE last Saturday, and everyone wants to know how I did and where I want to go to grad school, and I have neither of those answers. Of course I immediately looked up the initial score they gave me (it's a computer-based test, so they give you an estimate of how you did immediately upon completion...scary!)--but I don't really know if it's good enough for where I want to go, since I don't really know where I want to go. (This is all regarding obtaining a PhD in economics.)
• I purchased checks for the first time! They're pretty cool, and I actually know how to write them thanks to the IV checking account. I'm so grown up. I had to go to the bank twice to accomplish this.
• I'm keeping a super organized account of my spending for the summer, which basically serves to make me feel like a terrible person all the time. I love keeping a budget but I just keep spending money and I can't stop because they're all necessary things. 
• I discovered this really neat website, TeuxDeux, which I can use for my daily tasks (laundry, library, emailing, etc.). It's really clean and organized and much better than Google tasks or sticky notes at keeping me on-task.
• I finished watching Community! Sad day.
• I read like half of Jane Eyre the day before/of my GRE test, because it was the second half and I needed to know what happened. I think Charlotte Bronte examined part of my soul before writing that book; yes, it was that good.
• My legs hurt all the time from standing at work/occasionally working out. I've also learned that I can read The Hobbit while on the elliptical...score!
• There was a minor ant infestation in our room in Bryan last night, but it was pretty contained...just frightening.
• There's a new store in New Town that's basically a novelty/candy store which is really cool, but I haven't bought anything there yet.
• Taylor (roommate) and I developed a checklist of things to do over the summer, which we will eventually make it though, promise! Mostly they're related to food, but also of note: go to the zoo (this weekend!) and get buff (by the end of the summer, as measured by our pull-up ability).
• Research is going swimmingly--we should be ready to recruit participants come second summer session (which is to say, July). Until then it's experiment design and coding time! I've been spending a good amount of time in my lab working on this either in the morning or afternoon any given day, depending on my work schedule or other important commitments...like coffee dates. :)
• Relevant (my church) is going through some changes, which is nice to see--they just announced their new leadership team and are looking into a new building. Although it's a smaller crowd without most of the students, it's been fun to hang out more with the regulars/adults.
• I joined a small group that's studying the fruit of the spirit, facilitated by none other than Catherine Townes! (Sidenote: she has a really cute apartment! I shouldn't have expected any less.) It's exciting; I love that in the summer you do have a smaller group of people around so that it's easier to spend time with people you might not have time for throughout the year.
• At work I've learned how to chop all kinds of foods! Also, yesterday I gave in and made myself a falafel pita because everyone else was (don't worry, we still had to pay...half-price!). It was super yummy! I tried like three things I hadn't ever eaten before, but they were really good! I think I'm growing up, but actually. Like, I even got green peppers on there. So now I know that I can fully recommend this pita, in addition to the others I've tried (which are only the caesar and buffalo chicken...eeep). But I just want to eat all of them all the time!
• I'm trying to cook more but it's difficult when I work a lot at dinner time. So far Taylor and I have made fajitas, bacon/cheese bagels and lots and lots of pasta, but when I cooked with Jamie we did manage to include some vegetables. On the bright side, we just eat sandwiches for lunch so that's always something yummy and cheap to get by on (99 cent bread!).

That's mostly it for Williamsburg--some rain this afternoon, some people visiting soon, and lots and lots of sleep. Maybe boring, but I'll take it.

things I still don't understand

• the Libor-OIS spread
• Tim Tebow
• hummus
• why I stay up so late
• why I regularly dream about pokemon
• why Adam Levine's voice is so soothing
• pre-meds
• color catchers (I don't trust them)

...to be continued.

(part one)

work!

I haven't had a job since 2008 so you might think that I would hate working now, but you'd be wrong. I've been at my new place of employment for almost two weeks and think it's great! I'm only there for a few hours at a time and I get free froyo, but aside from those perks, I actually have really enjoyed the tasks assigned to me (from cleaning vents to slicing onions). I feel like a productive member of society!

My past work experience is pretty scattered, and though I've had odd jobs (from designing layouts for a newspaper to constructing shelves) which provided me with some extra cash, it's really nice to be earning real money again. And my first job was working at an after-school center, so though it was a step up from babysitting it wasn't exactly food service. Here are some of the new things I'm experiencing which I think will really be helpful in developing my character into a more mature adult:

• Having an irregular work schedule. This is making me dependent on my employers and is throwing my idea of order and schedules out the window! I won't know what next week will look like until the end of this week, and it's kind of scary but kind of nice to not have to worry about it and just do what I'm told.
• Being new at things. I have to ask for help with all kinds of tasks (yesterday, it was working the sink!). This is great for keeping me humble!
• Having a uniform(ish). This is super new to me! I have to do so much laundry, which is good because it keeps me from putting it off all the time.

Otherwise I'm a pretty responsible being already, and I think I've always known the value of hard work, but it is neat to get a new experience reinforcing that. I really like doing what I'm told in an efficient manner (see: homework, every volunteer experience ever, etc. etc.) so it's not really surprising to me that I enjoy being a good worker.

The other major task of my summer is my research project, which I should technically be working on right now because I'm sitting in my private lab in Morton, but more on that later.

roommate bonding

I've been lucky to have a string of incredible roommates throughout college, and let me tell you, there is nothing in the world quite like roommate bonding (except for realizing that your friend is suddenly your best friend, that's great too!). Sometimes it takes effort, sometimes it's natural, gradual, discrete or immediate; sometimes you're already friends but still need to go to the next level. Maybe other people have more uniform relationships with different roommates, but mine have all been pretty different. I think the best kind of story is one of friendship, and the unique experience of living with someone--being with them during exciting times, seeing them at their worst, knowing their schedule almost like it's yours, discovering quirks, dealing with bugs, describing dreams--can form some of the deepest friendship bonds I've known.

I have been incredibly lucky to live with some of my best friends, both during the academic year and during the summer sessions in Williamsburg. Summer roommates are fantastic because schedules are chill, late nights are possible and cooking adventures abound. With so few people around campus, it's great to have someone who you can rely on to force you into some minimal social interaction (even if that's just watching TLC together). And because it's for such a short time, it's easy to live with friends; habits can remain quirks instead of developing into peeves.

My roommate for the past two years is one of my favorite people...and one of my favorite stories. We lived on the same freshman hall and decided quickly after meeting each other that we were compatible and would make great roommates. Throughout the year we didn't spend much time together, yet somehow ended up signing up to live in a suite with a pair of roommates from our hall who we each knew better than we knew each other. The first semester was kind of awkward. We talked some, mostly about economics and APO, which we were both joining. We watched a lot of tv separately and didn't interact much, but we didn't have any complaints with each other. At this point I don't remember what it was that pushed us over the edge--what made us friends rather than just cohabitants--but we both agreed that we had a weird first semester together. After we mutually noted the awkwardness, it went away. We've had a lot of bonding times since then, helped a lot by living in a normal double rather than a suite the following year when we realized how great we were at being roommates (not to brag or anything). Between having economist brains, loving dresses and loving great television, I'm super sad to not live with her again but am so grateful for her friendship--which would, let's face it, be nonexistent if we hadn't had great late night conversations.

But, on the plus side, next year I get to share an apartment with three great girls and am so excited to see how our friendships develop. (Disclaimer: my future roomie is already my other half.) And in the meantime I get to live with another friend over the summer! We've already dealt with a cockroach corpse and I'm sure have much more bonding to accomplish before August rolls around. :)

On top of great relationships, I've learned so many life lessons from striving to be a great roommate, from what is uncompromiseble to how rewarding it is to sacrifice my time for the benefit of someone else...and also that it's important to eat fruit, call your parents, read, go to the gym, confront conflict, keep someone's trust, listen intently, live purposefully, sleep occasionally and just take out the trash if it bothers you so much.