ocpd confession

So like most people at my school I'm 90% convinced that I have, along with many other psychological disorders thanks to my psych classes, OCPD which is like OCD but less intense. It basically means I'm really into things being organized, which to me sounds like a quality rather than a disorder. :) I'm actually pretty sure I don't have it after consulting wikipedia for 5-7 seconds because, especially since developing mono and a sedentary lifestyle, I don't really care about controlling things. But I really do like things to be in order and for that I have no apologies.

In light of that I just wanted to confess that while visiting my blog today I started wondering about the distribution of my posts and how weird it would look if I had more posts in 2013 than in 2012 because then my yearly post count distribution would appear bimodal rather than unimodal. I'm not sure whether that counts as an OCPD consideration or just a result of too many math classes but I thought I'd put that out there despite my uncertainty.

Just imagine this graph with t = number of posts in a given time period and g/t = time and you see the trouble I'm mentally running into.

innocence

Today as I was flipping through Proverbs I noted a verse that I had underlined:

All a man's ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the Lord. (Proverbs 16:2)

What! This is terrible news! I can be going through life thinking I'm doing everything great but apparently something as silly as my motivation can trip me up. Unfair! Now this verse reminded me of a passage in 1 Corinthians that I studied last semester, so off I went to the back of my bible in search of a connection. Here's what I found:

My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts. At that time each will receive his praise from God. (1 Corinthians 4:4-5)

I felt like this provided some more insight to the seeming condemnation in Proverbs...after all, if your ways only seem innocent to you that implies that they are in fact not innocent. I do like this idea, and I think that it's true in my own life an awful lot of the time, but it's still an unpleasant thought. No matter how hard I try to align myself with what is right, I am often motivated by the effect of my actions on my image or other transient things; it doesn't matter if all of my thoughts and actions are "innocent" if they're just focused on me, because that is not an innocent motivation--it is very sinful to only consider myself, as sinning is just another way of saying that I'm putting myself before God. So even when I do a good deed or try to consider others above myself, if I'm doing that out of my own pride it is no good--God will instantly see through that.

But Paul's letter gives us more to chew on. First, he brings up the Lord's return and judgment. Second, he explicitly says that other people can't judge your heart, and neither can you judge any hearts; however, the motivations which drive us will be exposed, implying that you really can't hide selfishness from yourself or anyone else forever. Third, though, is that everyone will essentially receive what is due to them. I don't think this in any way implies legalism--that people who are "better" Christians, follow the law, don't sin "as much," etc. will earn their salvation while other people won't. But it does bring me some relief to know that what I do and think matters--that God sees and knows that, and that he does have a reward for people with good intentions and motives, because (let's be honest here) it sometimes frustrates me that everyone is entitled to the same salvation should they choose to accept it. I feel like no reward could be better than being more like Christ and knowing the Lord more intimately, but if there is some other reward that awaits us then that's cool too. I guess it doesn't matter, but I liked the way that this was positively framed instead of saying that after he judges our hearts he'll punish us accordingly.

Anyway, it's just more reason to be aware of my motivations and to be conscious of the fact that I'm responsible for more than my actions. As we see continually throughout scripture, God cares way more about our hearts (the conditions they're in...who we're letting control them...etc.) than our adherence to rules. I have to tend to my heart as well as my behavior, aligning my feelings with his heart and letting Christ's example (of innocence and purity) shape my every intention and consideration.

october 2012

In October 2012, something quite unusual happened. Although I'm used to having a team to root for in the MLB playoffs (namely, the Cardinals), for the first time in my life the only three teams I've ever cared about could all be found playing games in October. I'm not used to this kind of conflicting emotion.

When I was little I watched the Orioles play (and lose) a lot. I read their statistics in the newspaper at least four times a week (some days I didn't remember to check). I waited and waited for their winning percentage to break above .4-- and I mourned when playoffs came and they weren't even close to the Wild Card position (it was only a little bit of mourning; I never really expected them to make it so I wasn't that disappointed). But they were not my team. They were just the team that played closest to my home. I did own an Orioles sweatshirt, but that was only because I went to Camden Yards and sat up way at the top and froze while the O's lost 10-5 to the Braves and my dad pitied my 8 year old self and bought me a sweatshirt.

My team was and always has been the Cardinals. And I liked them before Mark McGwire thankyouverymuch. I can't quite pinpoint my reason for adopting this franchise as my own (though I think it has something to do with our local minor league team), but in any case I was there when Big Mac became a home run king and I was there (fruitlessly) cheering on the continuation of the Curse of the Bambino in 2004 and I've been there for every playoff loss (and win...) for the past 13 years (because for the first few years of my fanhood, the Astros were stellar). It was incredible to experience them playing a home game, albeit slightly disillusioning because I also realized that they have the same kinds of vendors that everyone else has--but whatever, they're still rock stars to me.

And then one day in late 2004 I read in the Washington Post (my only source for baseball statistics and really any other news) that the Montreal Expos were moving to D.C. They were trying to become my home team and I would not have it. But it was ok, I eventually realized, because they were not trying to be better than the Orioles: they were in fact almost decidedly worse. I've now been to a few games in their new stadium, and I admit that I like having a team within Metro distance and whose players I can follow with a little bit more interest than the O's (who, after retiring Cal Ripken, have made no significant impact on my life). The Nats have been truly inspiring this season, going from literally never having a winning season (as the Nats) to having the best record in baseball this year. It's clear that they've been going through major changes and improvements every season but I still didn't expect them to make it to the playoffs until I was old and had kids of my own.

So this leaves me with a lot of conflict. I can clearly root for the O's (I could cheer for anyone against the Yankees let's be real); despite their loss tonight I have hope. I'm at a loss for the Cards-Nats series because I can't really watch either of them lose because then I can't be happy for the winning team, so I'm going to settle for cheering on the winner after they've made it through this week. But if it comes down to it, I'm not going to lie, I want to see the Orioles on top. After losing every season since their loss in the first playoffs I ever watched (1997 Marlins whatupppp), I think it's time...and as much as I'd like to wait another 15 years to see them succeed I would really just like for them to win already. But if they have to lose, hopefully one of my NL teams will be around to avenge them in the World Series.

rest

It's ironic that I'm blogging about rest because I have a midterm tomorrow for which I haven't begun studying and I spent the day at Busch Gardens and I spent the weekend catching up on sleep. It sounds pretty much like I have this whole rest thing down pat. But I think instead of rest, what I've been doing is not worrying. I know that I have work to do. I've done the work that absolutely needs to get done and I'll get around to the rest when it needs to happen (studying for this test probably being the first priority, after this blog). I just haven't been worrying about it.

But that's not really rest. Instead of worrying about work I've been running around having fun, being social, taking care of IV business and pretending to do Monroe work (priority number two at this point...it actually needs to be finished on Tuesday though for a presentation). It's certainly a good thing that I haven't been tryna do these things and worry about work, but these things aren't a good replacement for work/worry. Rest is. Just rest. Resting in who I am and who God has made me to be. Resting in his word and his purposes and his love. It takes work--it isn't easy to turn off our brains, to stop worrying, to become unavailable in cases of emergency, to say no to hanging out...but ultimately it is refreshing and necessary and so wonderful.

After this Monroe thing I'm going to need to soak up some more rest. Until then I'll continue to let my value be derived in Jesus and try to not let that demotivate me from studying.

Also if you feel unsatisfied by this post read this other post on the same topic!

first class

I'm currently sitting in class waiting for the professor to show up. It's been 19 minutes and so far no one has left. If this were an experiment testing our patience I think I would win...but only because I have a class next door immediately after this class, and I don't want to leave for 15 minutes only to return 15 minutes later. So really my laziness would be a confounding factor in this hypothetical experiment. You'd also have to factor in the access to computers, since I probably wouldn't be interested in sitting somewhere for an hour unless I had a computer or a place to nap (or something interesting to read, but who brings light reading to the first day of class?)...

Curious. Anyway. Great start to the semester!

the you-don't-know-me quiz

1. What is my number one fear? (hint: I first thought of it in ninth grade and probably only one person knows it)
2. Name three things I said I'd never do, but then ended up doing them.
3. What kind of house would I like to live in, if I have to live in a house? (hint: I've mentioned a few kinds on my blog)
4. What is my favorite thing about myself? (there are a lot, but really only two of them are acceptable answers)
5. Name my five favorite movies. (this is easy)
6. Name ten things I don't do on principle.
7. When I was little and played pretend, what did I pretend my name was?
8. What is the most upsetting thing to me?
9. What is my favorite fictional family and why?


There's no one who can answer these questions correctly except for me, and I'd be pretty impressed with anyone who could answer two of them because I purposely picked stumpers. This is starting to sound ridiculous so I'll get to my point. I'm often torn between wanting people to fully understand me and wanting to be super secretive and mysterious. For the most part I like to be mysterious, but I also believe in the power of vulnerability. I don't want people to really know me, I guess for fear of rejection, but I want to know them because I'm curious and like to know things so I have to let them know me. And when I do I realize that it's not a super big deal to reveal things...it's a way bigger deal to me than to anyone else, so hiding things really only hurts me and no one else.

The thing is, God knows all these things and way more about me--things that I don't know about my future and purpose and things that I've forgotten already--and he still loves me. But this really isn't enough for him: he wants us to fully rely on him, but he also wants us to interact with and love and confess our sins to each other. Being closed-off and secretive doesn't help anyone get anywhere. It isolates us and allows us to feel like we're in control of some small aspect of life. Openness, honesty, real vulnerable love--these are very frightening but so worth it. I can't really say anything more about that. Just do it. Open up. The only person holding you back from deep relationships is you.

Bonus fact for reading this: my favorite fictional family is the Glass family from J.D. Salinger's short stories. I think they're pretty baller and I think if you read the stories you'd understand why.

on pre-senioritis

I am afraid that I've reached that point: I'm not really looking forward to classes starting. Everyone said that this would eventually happen to me, but I doubted them right up until the end of last semester when I burned myself out writing papers and taking exams between worrying about my friends graduating and my extracurricular obligations. Let's just say that I'm still tired when I think of that first week of finals! So much so that I'd like another break before I have to do it again...unfortunately this week I do have to take a test and I do have to write a paper and these are things which I've already spent a good part of my summer preparing for--which makes it not much of a summer break. I thought that I would enjoy more academics in the summer, and that I would like an extra challenge, but I misjudged the amount of tired I would be after the spring. I do think it's better to have something interesting to do than nothing at all, but summer just hasn't been as restful as I need it to be.

Anyway, instead of chalking it up to my research project I'll blame senioritis. I also never thought that this disease would affect me: I actually did better my senior year of high school than all my others despite taking 7 AP exams and leading three clubs and already being admitted to W&M for the majority of the year. Naturally I assumed that I just performed well under pressure, a hypothesis which all of my college experience also validates (more credits=higher gpa, more responsibility=better test scores, etc.).

But currently I'm at a point where I'm not eagerly looking forward to the next academic challenge. I'm ready to learn more about living life and taking responsibility, not about history (thank goodness I'm done with those GER4s!). Perhaps once I'm done with my summer responsibilities and once I've purchased new notebooks I'll start getting excited about textbooks and syllabi, but right now those are looking like some big hurdles and I'm feeling like taking a nap instead. Nine days is plenty of time to write a paper. Or five half-days. Or a night or two. Right? As long as I can get some rest in, instead of spending all these days worrying about not writing that paper, I think I'll be okay.