waiting

I recognize that I should probably treat time like the preciously limited resource that it is, but right now I wish that time would speed up just a little bit. That's not actually true; the Adventures from the Book of Virtues video about the Magic Thread scared me for life and there is no way that I would ever wish for time to really speed up because I know that I could never get it back. But it is true that right now I'm in the middle of a serious waiting period. After rushing through school and all that entails (not just classes but friends and weekly meals and applying for jobs etc etc etc), and rushing through the period directly after graduation (in which I actually got my job), and rushing through getting a car and throwing away my childhood belongings/high school papers, I've reached a stopping point.

Now all I can do is wait. To be fair, I know that I still need to finish packing (and I actually have to find a place to move all of my belongings to) in order to start the next stage of my life. But I really have a month of waiting. And then even when my job starts it'll be a waiting period until the next stage of my life which might be a more permanent job or more school (which is also a transition period). I guess my point here is that everything is a transition stage to the next--and at no point will I reach a plateau of perfectness and stability that will last for the rest of my life. BUT, this is a very brief time of transition so I don't have the motivation to settle in because I can see the end of it in my one-month forecast, so I'll continue to talk about waiting even though I know there's waiting all the time in my life.

Waiting is not a passive activity; you're thinking of procrastinating or killing time. Waiting is active. Psalm 27 is super fantastic and ends with this verse: "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Waiting for the Lord does not mean sitting back and doing nothing. It requires strength! I recently read this devotional which tells us to wait in prayer; wait with simplicity of soul; wait in faith; wait in quiet patience. Thank the Lord for your circumstances as you trust that he will use them to do his will (even if you're frustrated, confused, lonely or just bored). There is a purpose for every period of time in your life and it is your responsibility to be its steward, using it for the kingdom of God. My goal is to use this month to grow spiritually while I have the energy and time to read books and study scripture, to identify things in my life I can give away (belongings, money, time, maybe more things?), and to make more efforts to invest in relationships that are transitioning to long-distance friendships. And hopefully I won't let my resolve dissolve into watching tv marathons and sleeping 12 hours a day!

the job hunt

Preface: I have the most wonderful and supporting friends and family (and everyone in between...you know who you are!) imaginable and literally could not imagine what this would have looked like without them.

Now, let me tell you a story. When I was 17 I took my first economics class and immediately knew that this was the discipline for which I had been searching--it blended my analytical/writing skills with my propensity for numbers, and on top of that it explained the world around me. From big picture items (unemployment rates, the housing bubble) to minute decisions (which toothpaste brand should I buy?!), it provided me with the tools to understand humans and infrastructures like never before. (Aside: when I say that it's my goal to understand humans, I sound like I'm an alien...but I have no evidence to suggest that I'm anything other than human. I just don't understand us.)

Within a year of that class starting, I had gotten involved in three different economic competitions because I literally had the best econ teacher ever. Two of those allowed me to travel to three different Federal Reserve branches and find out just how cool the Fed could be (I mean, it's a building full of economists, how much better can it get?). One thing I learned was that they don't like it when people wear birkenstocks to official functions. But the other things I learned were of even more importance: how and why the federal funds rate is set, what was going on in the financial crisis (recall that this was 2008-9), the importance of liquidity, and a bunch of things that honestly went over my head at the time but which I learned how to talk about anyway.

From that point on, my career path was econ PhD or bust. If I wanted to do the sorts of jobs I saw ahead of me (being a professor, doing research, or more generally being an economist), I knew I would need a lot of education. So I took the math classes and the GRE and the advice of my professors all the way up until last summer. When I started doing more independent research. And I realized that if this is what grad school looked like, I was in no way prepared for that! You see, I feel like I've barely learned anything about economics (which is true, despite my major in it) because I haven't gone through the first two years of a PhD program...and I feel unprepared to jump into a program when I don't know what I'm interested in or how to do research.

So from last summer on, I've been a little bit lost. I've considered basically every career path I've seen my friends and peers embark on (except perhaps the military), and it was going into winter break that I felt the most torn between ministry and academics. As I thought about ways to get involved in Christian ministry (teaching, working with college students, going abroad, etc.) I felt overwhelmed because most of these prospects fail to make use of the skills that I have...but they're still really important. How could I say that I thought they were important, though, if I didn't do any of them myself? So then I went to Urbana, which is a missions conference organized by InterVarsity. I looked for ministry opportunities that did use my skills and passions and I didn't find any organizations that fit the bill. What I did find was a group of people who cared about academics; college professors and grad students who used their studies to bring glory to God in a less explicit way than missionaries. Now, I had known that these sorts of people existed, but I kind of thought of that lifestyle as a cop-out. Because, hey, they're still getting lots of money (depending on discipline) and getting to do what they love, and maybe they view it as a missions opportunity but maybe they merely view it as not incompatible with a Christian life. But hearing these people talk, and seeing them alongside missionaries in Africa, helped me reconcile some of that confusion in my head.

The next step was figuring out how I wanted to pursue academics, and it came so much easier than I had anticipated! Someone asked me what I wanted to do next year, and I answered that ideally I'd like to work for the Federal Reserve. It took me about a day to recall this conversation and realize what it meant: if I wanted to work there, I had to apply there! I had already applied for a few jobs, but I was planning on doing the majority of that work in the spring semester. So I got home from St. Louis and started researching positions at the Fed. After applying for all of the positions/locations I desired, I expanded my job search and applied for about 30 more jobs in the economic research arena throughout the spring (well, some of them would have been a stretch for my academic career, but they still would have been interesting).

After getting way more rejections than I anticipated, one day I got an email from the Federal Reserve Bank in Richmond and assumed the worst. I kind of squinted my eyes when I opened it to brace myself for another dashed dream. Instead of a rejection form letter, however, it was a request for a phone interview. 

To make a long story a tiny bit shorter, I did have some more phone interviews and I didn't hear back from the Fed until the last week of finals, when they wanted to have a second phone interview. At this point I was resigned to living with my parents and working at Starbucks for a year and a half until I could apply for and start grad school in 2014, and I was sad and confused about why I didn't have any job prospects or life direction. But every other opportunity that had come up (mostly teaching), I had shied away from because it just didn't feel right. I wondered if I had made a mistake and had been selfish to not want to teach. So I graduated with this dream job hanging over my head and everyone asking me what my plans were, and I couldn't tell them anything because I didn't have anything to tell. The very next day, I went off to the mountains of Goshen, VA where cell reception is terrible and where I didn't bring my laptop. And of course, that was the night that the Fed emailed me to ask if I would come in for an on-site interview. After a lot of internet struggles, I set that interview up for the following week. The week in between was a terrible place of limbo as I learned about life after college at Rockbridge and tried to imagine myself in one of two scenarios: happily employed in Richmond, or living with my parents in nova. I struggled to see that God would be in control and providing for me in either case, because God considers work good and I consider the Fed the perfect place to work...so if he cared for me, wouldn't he be giving me this job? And if he really cared wouldn't he have spared me some stress and let me have it before graduation? But I ate some humble pie and rested in the blessings he has given me (supportive friends and parents who will let me stay at home, a good education, job interviews, and most importantly his own presence in my life!).

Anyway, I interviewed in Richmond and loved the department and the city and everything about the Fed. They called me last Friday to let me know that I would be receiving a job offer this week, which I accepted today. I'll be moving there later this summer to start my work as a Research Associate!

As you may have guessed, I've learned a lot through this process...that my plans mean nothing without my God, that he is more than sufficient for me, and that I'm not so special to deserve a job just because I went to college. Plenty of my friends are still seeking out their plans for life after college and I'll be in that position again when I'm done with this job. Not having a plan doesn't make you unintelligent, lazy, or even a bad Christian--God does not reward faithfulness with monetary prizes! I feel incredibly blessed to have the opportunity to do research and learn more about economics, live in a new city, and face new challenges as they come. I'm also very glad that I didn't have this job when graduation hit because I can so empathize with everyone who doesn't know what they're doing, and I've learned so much more how to rely on God rather than on my resume.

today's adventures

Thought I'd provide some more meaning to my day by blogging about it and commemorating it forever! Here are my adventures from today...so far:

• had the best luck at rummy against my mom (I count it because it was after midnight)
• tried WisPride which is a spreadable and delicious cheese
• continued to do some interesting devotions from "Morning & Evening" by Charles Spurgeon...ngl it sort of goes over my head!
• had breakfast while the rest of my family slept lolol
• sent a postcard from home! who does that. me.
• retrieved the garbage can from in front of the mailbox (how we supposed to get mail when it's there?!)
• put my favorite books in a box (decided I probably have too many favorites)
• sorted my sock drawer (decided I definitely have too many socks)
• got frustrated with the disorganization of apartment listings
• took a shower and only shampooed my hair once (ie tested the theory that I may need less shampooing with less hair. results are inconclusive and may require further testing)
• retrieved the mail (I had a lot of adventures regarding the mailbox it seems!)
• read a chapter of "This Ordinary Adventure" on my deck and almost got burned and only lasted one chapter outside
• read some more chapters inside
• had a conversation about free will vs. free choice with my brother
• ate homemade tacos

And it's only 4:18! There are so many more adventures to be had, like making dinner and finding new bits of nostalgia in my room. I hope the rest of you are enjoying your summer as much as I am, whether you're working, travelling, studying or sitting at home like I am. :)

book suggestions

I strongly believe that everyone should read books all the time. Usually I fail at this and only read online articles some of the time, but I regret every chance I have to read a book that I pass up. So since spring break is next week, and since I think everyone should be reading over break, here are some of my top suggestions!

• Predictably Irrational by Dan Ariely. Though it's by an economist, it's really by a behavioral economist, so it's more like it's by a psychologist. If you liked Freakonomics or just like understanding more things about why people do what they do, this is the book for you!
• Guyland by Michael Kimmel. This explores the sociological side of "guys" (that is, being not a boy nor a man) and has some really interesting things to say about our generation. I just think everyone should read it!
• Ordering Your Private World by Gordon MacDonald. If you've struggled, like me, to keep your sanity about you when you're running around doing school, making friends, keeping up with your family, running events, showering, etc. then this is a great, refreshing, practical book that addresses some major issues and will help you take a breath and get organized. Perfect for spring break!
• Nine Stories by J.D. Salinger. If you're looking for a bit of good literature without much commitment,  short stories are for you! Don't make the mistake of picking of something tricky like Hemingway when you can get just as much depth and intrigue in Salinger. Also perfect for people who loved Catcher in the Rye like me.
• Life of Pi by Yann Martel. Intrigued by the clips of the movie that you saw at the Oscars? This is a fun and light read, but also a deep and philosophical story, and it's about zoo animals on a boat...come on, you're intrigued. I read it in oneish sitting.

Also I'm the sort of person who doesn't usually believe in "beach reading" in the traditional escapism/light reading sense, so if you're looking for more classics why not go big and read A Tale of Two Cities? (I read this on the beach. No regrets. Just some funny looks from strangers.)

Also also, if you're looking for something requiring more commitment or if you have more than a week you'd like to spend reading, I would highly recommend both The Cost of Discipleship and The Divine Conspiracy, both of which I'm working my way through currently. Both of them dig into the Sermon on the Mount and its implications for the 20th/21st centuries so if you're not Christian you'll likely find them accessible and if you are then you'll probably learn a lot of new things as well. Great food for thought!

last semester

Since I'm not in a productive state I thought I'd make a list of some of the interesting parts of my previous semester, but then I thought it better to look forward to the rest of this semester than to dwell on the past. The only things you need to know about the fall are that I started dating a great guy, started living with my bff, got my first A in math since pre-calc and finally got to go to Christmas Town! Ok it was a pretty baller semester with lots of great memories but let's move on to bigger and better things...

Here's what I'm looking forward to this semester:

• finishing my SA's little instructions for life at W&M, minus everything about sports
• familiarizing myself with Gavin DeGraw's music enough to enjoy him in concert
• last ever campus golf (/last ever scramble for a theme/last ever team-forming drama)
• photoshooting with Katie
• making use of the farmer's market
• skyping Jamie
• watching the new IV exec team develop!
• snapchatting Chelsea all the time so she has a big list of faces to look at every time she sees her phone
• dress week 3: the last stand
• actual last chance dance (unlike last year's second-to-last chance dance)
• hopefully getting a job
• ringing the wren bell
• beach timezzzzz
• playing secret roommate
• squeezing in as many coffee dates and social timez as my mono will allow me
• getting enough sleep to satisfy my mono
• pleasing Katie by referring to my disease as if it were a being who controlled me

ocpd confession

So like most people at my school I'm 90% convinced that I have, along with many other psychological disorders thanks to my psych classes, OCPD which is like OCD but less intense. It basically means I'm really into things being organized, which to me sounds like a quality rather than a disorder. :) I'm actually pretty sure I don't have it after consulting wikipedia for 5-7 seconds because, especially since developing mono and a sedentary lifestyle, I don't really care about controlling things. But I really do like things to be in order and for that I have no apologies.

In light of that I just wanted to confess that while visiting my blog today I started wondering about the distribution of my posts and how weird it would look if I had more posts in 2013 than in 2012 because then my yearly post count distribution would appear bimodal rather than unimodal. I'm not sure whether that counts as an OCPD consideration or just a result of too many math classes but I thought I'd put that out there despite my uncertainty.

Just imagine this graph with t = number of posts in a given time period and g/t = time and you see the trouble I'm mentally running into.

innocence

Today as I was flipping through Proverbs I noted a verse that I had underlined:

All a man's ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the Lord. (Proverbs 16:2)

What! This is terrible news! I can be going through life thinking I'm doing everything great but apparently something as silly as my motivation can trip me up. Unfair! Now this verse reminded me of a passage in 1 Corinthians that I studied last semester, so off I went to the back of my bible in search of a connection. Here's what I found:

My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts. At that time each will receive his praise from God. (1 Corinthians 4:4-5)

I felt like this provided some more insight to the seeming condemnation in Proverbs...after all, if your ways only seem innocent to you that implies that they are in fact not innocent. I do like this idea, and I think that it's true in my own life an awful lot of the time, but it's still an unpleasant thought. No matter how hard I try to align myself with what is right, I am often motivated by the effect of my actions on my image or other transient things; it doesn't matter if all of my thoughts and actions are "innocent" if they're just focused on me, because that is not an innocent motivation--it is very sinful to only consider myself, as sinning is just another way of saying that I'm putting myself before God. So even when I do a good deed or try to consider others above myself, if I'm doing that out of my own pride it is no good--God will instantly see through that.

But Paul's letter gives us more to chew on. First, he brings up the Lord's return and judgment. Second, he explicitly says that other people can't judge your heart, and neither can you judge any hearts; however, the motivations which drive us will be exposed, implying that you really can't hide selfishness from yourself or anyone else forever. Third, though, is that everyone will essentially receive what is due to them. I don't think this in any way implies legalism--that people who are "better" Christians, follow the law, don't sin "as much," etc. will earn their salvation while other people won't. But it does bring me some relief to know that what I do and think matters--that God sees and knows that, and that he does have a reward for people with good intentions and motives, because (let's be honest here) it sometimes frustrates me that everyone is entitled to the same salvation should they choose to accept it. I feel like no reward could be better than being more like Christ and knowing the Lord more intimately, but if there is some other reward that awaits us then that's cool too. I guess it doesn't matter, but I liked the way that this was positively framed instead of saying that after he judges our hearts he'll punish us accordingly.

Anyway, it's just more reason to be aware of my motivations and to be conscious of the fact that I'm responsible for more than my actions. As we see continually throughout scripture, God cares way more about our hearts (the conditions they're in...who we're letting control them...etc.) than our adherence to rules. I have to tend to my heart as well as my behavior, aligning my feelings with his heart and letting Christ's example (of innocence and purity) shape my every intention and consideration.