short run vs long run

I have a problem. My long term goal is to have long hair again. My even longer term goal is probably to chop it all off and start this cycle over again, but let me shorten this time horizon to, say, two years.

Actually, let me explain why I have short hair in the first place. One of my favorite features, aside from my eyes and winning personality, is my hair. When I was very little, I cut it myself with scissors in the basement of my house and it looked pretty awful. After that experience, I never wanted to get it cut. It would get obscenely long, very difficult to wash and exceedingly tangled but when it came to be family hair cut day, I would ask for a two-inch trim. Given that my hair grows more than four inches in a year, this meant that my net hair growth was pretty high between the ages of three and fifteen(? I don't really recall these stages of life because I have poor photo documentation of them).

Anyway, I put a lot of my identity in my hair because it receive a lot of compliments and because I really enjoy breaking blond stereotypes. In order to cut off my pride from ballooning, I decided in May that I needed to immediately cut it all off and donate it to Pantene Beautiful Lengths. I had been plotting for about a year to make the cut, since I'd donated my sophomore year as well, but I guess my hair hit a critical length and I felt the urgent need to get it cut. This isn't a new cycle; when I got my hair dramatically cut the first time, I donated 10 inches to Locks of Love, and it was basically the best feeling ever. I was happy that I could help someone out, but I was way happier that I had to wash 10 fewer inches of hair.

I felt the same way about my hair before each donation. I wait for about a year, only getting little trims so that my hair retains its length and health. It gets ridiculously long, and all semester all I think about is getting it cut - but would it be too short? I worry a lot about it looking ridiculous because it's hard to imagine yourself without something you've always had (hair past your shoulders). Now, I loved my hair after my first and second donations. It was light and freeing and shocking but it wasn't anything too crazy. I considered it really short but to most people it was a normal length (though certainly it was a different look for me).

Well. I think I donated too much last time. It was fun for a while but there are so many challenges of short hair that I didn't anticipate! This brings me to my actual point: my long term goal is to have long hair but my short term goal is to not have my hair look ridiculous. This means I guess that I have to trim it frequently and wash it all the time and maybe even use styling products which is way more maintenance than I am used to. Although it takes less shampoo, I would definitely argue that short hair takes more effort than long hair, and for a person whose goal it is to minimize effort, that's unfortunate. So now I'm stuck trying to get my hair trimmed enough to look decent (I'm embarking on the long process of evening out the front and back of my hair) without losing all my length.

But don't get me wrong - I'm definitely still on the donating boat. I don't see the point of having hair if you're going to keep it to yourself and not share it with people who don't have it. I'm pretty lucky in that I have a variety of shades of blonde, and my hair is a nice thickness but doesn't take any extra care, and I have absolutely no inclination to dye my hair (which is not allowed for donations) - so if I can deal with having hair a little bit too long for my taste and also a little bit too short for my taste, there is basically no reason for me to always get 2 (or even 4 or 6) inches cut off at a time. Might as well donate, yes?

I'm just saying try to keep the long run in mind when you're making decisions about your hair. If you want it all chopped off, fine, but think about if you want all your hair at the same length or if you can deal with layers or whatever growing out and looking a little weird. To paraphrase a very good but very overused quote, with great hair comes great responsibility - both to share it and to keep it lookin' good.

waiting

I recognize that I should probably treat time like the preciously limited resource that it is, but right now I wish that time would speed up just a little bit. That's not actually true; the Adventures from the Book of Virtues video about the Magic Thread scared me for life and there is no way that I would ever wish for time to really speed up because I know that I could never get it back. But it is true that right now I'm in the middle of a serious waiting period. After rushing through school and all that entails (not just classes but friends and weekly meals and applying for jobs etc etc etc), and rushing through the period directly after graduation (in which I actually got my job), and rushing through getting a car and throwing away my childhood belongings/high school papers, I've reached a stopping point.

Now all I can do is wait. To be fair, I know that I still need to finish packing (and I actually have to find a place to move all of my belongings to) in order to start the next stage of my life. But I really have a month of waiting. And then even when my job starts it'll be a waiting period until the next stage of my life which might be a more permanent job or more school (which is also a transition period). I guess my point here is that everything is a transition stage to the next--and at no point will I reach a plateau of perfectness and stability that will last for the rest of my life. BUT, this is a very brief time of transition so I don't have the motivation to settle in because I can see the end of it in my one-month forecast, so I'll continue to talk about waiting even though I know there's waiting all the time in my life.

Waiting is not a passive activity; you're thinking of procrastinating or killing time. Waiting is active. Psalm 27 is super fantastic and ends with this verse: "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Waiting for the Lord does not mean sitting back and doing nothing. It requires strength! I recently read this devotional which tells us to wait in prayer; wait with simplicity of soul; wait in faith; wait in quiet patience. Thank the Lord for your circumstances as you trust that he will use them to do his will (even if you're frustrated, confused, lonely or just bored). There is a purpose for every period of time in your life and it is your responsibility to be its steward, using it for the kingdom of God. My goal is to use this month to grow spiritually while I have the energy and time to read books and study scripture, to identify things in my life I can give away (belongings, money, time, maybe more things?), and to make more efforts to invest in relationships that are transitioning to long-distance friendships. And hopefully I won't let my resolve dissolve into watching tv marathons and sleeping 12 hours a day!

the job hunt

Preface: I have the most wonderful and supporting friends and family (and everyone in between...you know who you are!) imaginable and literally could not imagine what this would have looked like without them.

Now, let me tell you a story. When I was 17 I took my first economics class and immediately knew that this was the discipline for which I had been searching--it blended my analytical/writing skills with my propensity for numbers, and on top of that it explained the world around me. From big picture items (unemployment rates, the housing bubble) to minute decisions (which toothpaste brand should I buy?!), it provided me with the tools to understand humans and infrastructures like never before. (Aside: when I say that it's my goal to understand humans, I sound like I'm an alien...but I have no evidence to suggest that I'm anything other than human. I just don't understand us.)

Within a year of that class starting, I had gotten involved in three different economic competitions because I literally had the best econ teacher ever. Two of those allowed me to travel to three different Federal Reserve branches and find out just how cool the Fed could be (I mean, it's a building full of economists, how much better can it get?). One thing I learned was that they don't like it when people wear birkenstocks to official functions. But the other things I learned were of even more importance: how and why the federal funds rate is set, what was going on in the financial crisis (recall that this was 2008-9), the importance of liquidity, and a bunch of things that honestly went over my head at the time but which I learned how to talk about anyway.

From that point on, my career path was econ PhD or bust. If I wanted to do the sorts of jobs I saw ahead of me (being a professor, doing research, or more generally being an economist), I knew I would need a lot of education. So I took the math classes and the GRE and the advice of my professors all the way up until last summer. When I started doing more independent research. And I realized that if this is what grad school looked like, I was in no way prepared for that! You see, I feel like I've barely learned anything about economics (which is true, despite my major in it) because I haven't gone through the first two years of a PhD program...and I feel unprepared to jump into a program when I don't know what I'm interested in or how to do research.

So from last summer on, I've been a little bit lost. I've considered basically every career path I've seen my friends and peers embark on (except perhaps the military), and it was going into winter break that I felt the most torn between ministry and academics. As I thought about ways to get involved in Christian ministry (teaching, working with college students, going abroad, etc.) I felt overwhelmed because most of these prospects fail to make use of the skills that I have...but they're still really important. How could I say that I thought they were important, though, if I didn't do any of them myself? So then I went to Urbana, which is a missions conference organized by InterVarsity. I looked for ministry opportunities that did use my skills and passions and I didn't find any organizations that fit the bill. What I did find was a group of people who cared about academics; college professors and grad students who used their studies to bring glory to God in a less explicit way than missionaries. Now, I had known that these sorts of people existed, but I kind of thought of that lifestyle as a cop-out. Because, hey, they're still getting lots of money (depending on discipline) and getting to do what they love, and maybe they view it as a missions opportunity but maybe they merely view it as not incompatible with a Christian life. But hearing these people talk, and seeing them alongside missionaries in Africa, helped me reconcile some of that confusion in my head.

The next step was figuring out how I wanted to pursue academics, and it came so much easier than I had anticipated! Someone asked me what I wanted to do next year, and I answered that ideally I'd like to work for the Federal Reserve. It took me about a day to recall this conversation and realize what it meant: if I wanted to work there, I had to apply there! I had already applied for a few jobs, but I was planning on doing the majority of that work in the spring semester. So I got home from St. Louis and started researching positions at the Fed. After applying for all of the positions/locations I desired, I expanded my job search and applied for about 30 more jobs in the economic research arena throughout the spring (well, some of them would have been a stretch for my academic career, but they still would have been interesting).

After getting way more rejections than I anticipated, one day I got an email from the Federal Reserve Bank in Richmond and assumed the worst. I kind of squinted my eyes when I opened it to brace myself for another dashed dream. Instead of a rejection form letter, however, it was a request for a phone interview. 

To make a long story a tiny bit shorter, I did have some more phone interviews and I didn't hear back from the Fed until the last week of finals, when they wanted to have a second phone interview. At this point I was resigned to living with my parents and working at Starbucks for a year and a half until I could apply for and start grad school in 2014, and I was sad and confused about why I didn't have any job prospects or life direction. But every other opportunity that had come up (mostly teaching), I had shied away from because it just didn't feel right. I wondered if I had made a mistake and had been selfish to not want to teach. So I graduated with this dream job hanging over my head and everyone asking me what my plans were, and I couldn't tell them anything because I didn't have anything to tell. The very next day, I went off to the mountains of Goshen, VA where cell reception is terrible and where I didn't bring my laptop. And of course, that was the night that the Fed emailed me to ask if I would come in for an on-site interview. After a lot of internet struggles, I set that interview up for the following week. The week in between was a terrible place of limbo as I learned about life after college at Rockbridge and tried to imagine myself in one of two scenarios: happily employed in Richmond, or living with my parents in nova. I struggled to see that God would be in control and providing for me in either case, because God considers work good and I consider the Fed the perfect place to work...so if he cared for me, wouldn't he be giving me this job? And if he really cared wouldn't he have spared me some stress and let me have it before graduation? But I ate some humble pie and rested in the blessings he has given me (supportive friends and parents who will let me stay at home, a good education, job interviews, and most importantly his own presence in my life!).

Anyway, I interviewed in Richmond and loved the department and the city and everything about the Fed. They called me last Friday to let me know that I would be receiving a job offer this week, which I accepted today. I'll be moving there later this summer to start my work as a Research Associate!

As you may have guessed, I've learned a lot through this process...that my plans mean nothing without my God, that he is more than sufficient for me, and that I'm not so special to deserve a job just because I went to college. Plenty of my friends are still seeking out their plans for life after college and I'll be in that position again when I'm done with this job. Not having a plan doesn't make you unintelligent, lazy, or even a bad Christian--God does not reward faithfulness with monetary prizes! I feel incredibly blessed to have the opportunity to do research and learn more about economics, live in a new city, and face new challenges as they come. I'm also very glad that I didn't have this job when graduation hit because I can so empathize with everyone who doesn't know what they're doing, and I've learned so much more how to rely on God rather than on my resume.

today's adventures

Thought I'd provide some more meaning to my day by blogging about it and commemorating it forever! Here are my adventures from today...so far:

• had the best luck at rummy against my mom (I count it because it was after midnight)
• tried WisPride which is a spreadable and delicious cheese
• continued to do some interesting devotions from "Morning & Evening" by Charles Spurgeon...ngl it sort of goes over my head!
• had breakfast while the rest of my family slept lolol
• sent a postcard from home! who does that. me.
• retrieved the garbage can from in front of the mailbox (how we supposed to get mail when it's there?!)
• put my favorite books in a box (decided I probably have too many favorites)
• sorted my sock drawer (decided I definitely have too many socks)
• got frustrated with the disorganization of apartment listings
• took a shower and only shampooed my hair once (ie tested the theory that I may need less shampooing with less hair. results are inconclusive and may require further testing)
• retrieved the mail (I had a lot of adventures regarding the mailbox it seems!)
• read a chapter of "This Ordinary Adventure" on my deck and almost got burned and only lasted one chapter outside
• read some more chapters inside
• had a conversation about free will vs. free choice with my brother
• ate homemade tacos

And it's only 4:18! There are so many more adventures to be had, like making dinner and finding new bits of nostalgia in my room. I hope the rest of you are enjoying your summer as much as I am, whether you're working, travelling, studying or sitting at home like I am. :)

book suggestions

I strongly believe that everyone should read books all the time. Usually I fail at this and only read online articles some of the time, but I regret every chance I have to read a book that I pass up. So since spring break is next week, and since I think everyone should be reading over break, here are some of my top suggestions!

• Predictably Irrational by Dan Ariely. Though it's by an economist, it's really by a behavioral economist, so it's more like it's by a psychologist. If you liked Freakonomics or just like understanding more things about why people do what they do, this is the book for you!
• Guyland by Michael Kimmel. This explores the sociological side of "guys" (that is, being not a boy nor a man) and has some really interesting things to say about our generation. I just think everyone should read it!
• Ordering Your Private World by Gordon MacDonald. If you've struggled, like me, to keep your sanity about you when you're running around doing school, making friends, keeping up with your family, running events, showering, etc. then this is a great, refreshing, practical book that addresses some major issues and will help you take a breath and get organized. Perfect for spring break!
• Nine Stories by J.D. Salinger. If you're looking for a bit of good literature without much commitment,  short stories are for you! Don't make the mistake of picking of something tricky like Hemingway when you can get just as much depth and intrigue in Salinger. Also perfect for people who loved Catcher in the Rye like me.
• Life of Pi by Yann Martel. Intrigued by the clips of the movie that you saw at the Oscars? This is a fun and light read, but also a deep and philosophical story, and it's about zoo animals on a boat...come on, you're intrigued. I read it in oneish sitting.

Also I'm the sort of person who doesn't usually believe in "beach reading" in the traditional escapism/light reading sense, so if you're looking for more classics why not go big and read A Tale of Two Cities? (I read this on the beach. No regrets. Just some funny looks from strangers.)

Also also, if you're looking for something requiring more commitment or if you have more than a week you'd like to spend reading, I would highly recommend both The Cost of Discipleship and The Divine Conspiracy, both of which I'm working my way through currently. Both of them dig into the Sermon on the Mount and its implications for the 20th/21st centuries so if you're not Christian you'll likely find them accessible and if you are then you'll probably learn a lot of new things as well. Great food for thought!

last semester

Since I'm not in a productive state I thought I'd make a list of some of the interesting parts of my previous semester, but then I thought it better to look forward to the rest of this semester than to dwell on the past. The only things you need to know about the fall are that I started dating a great guy, started living with my bff, got my first A in math since pre-calc and finally got to go to Christmas Town! Ok it was a pretty baller semester with lots of great memories but let's move on to bigger and better things...

Here's what I'm looking forward to this semester:

• finishing my SA's little instructions for life at W&M, minus everything about sports
• familiarizing myself with Gavin DeGraw's music enough to enjoy him in concert
• last ever campus golf (/last ever scramble for a theme/last ever team-forming drama)
• photoshooting with Katie
• making use of the farmer's market
• skyping Jamie
• watching the new IV exec team develop!
• snapchatting Chelsea all the time so she has a big list of faces to look at every time she sees her phone
• dress week 3: the last stand
• actual last chance dance (unlike last year's second-to-last chance dance)
• hopefully getting a job
• ringing the wren bell
• beach timezzzzz
• playing secret roommate
• squeezing in as many coffee dates and social timez as my mono will allow me
• getting enough sleep to satisfy my mono
• pleasing Katie by referring to my disease as if it were a being who controlled me

ocpd confession

So like most people at my school I'm 90% convinced that I have, along with many other psychological disorders thanks to my psych classes, OCPD which is like OCD but less intense. It basically means I'm really into things being organized, which to me sounds like a quality rather than a disorder. :) I'm actually pretty sure I don't have it after consulting wikipedia for 5-7 seconds because, especially since developing mono and a sedentary lifestyle, I don't really care about controlling things. But I really do like things to be in order and for that I have no apologies.

In light of that I just wanted to confess that while visiting my blog today I started wondering about the distribution of my posts and how weird it would look if I had more posts in 2013 than in 2012 because then my yearly post count distribution would appear bimodal rather than unimodal. I'm not sure whether that counts as an OCPD consideration or just a result of too many math classes but I thought I'd put that out there despite my uncertainty.

Just imagine this graph with t = number of posts in a given time period and g/t = time and you see the trouble I'm mentally running into.