all I want

Today I wrapped about a dozen presents. This came with its own set of challenges: first, I am a perfectionist so no present will ever be perfectly wrapped. It is terrible. Second, I am always afraid when I cut wrapping paper because I was trained from a young age to be careful about what was beneath the paper. So sometimes I fear cutting a bedspread and sometimes I fear cutting the actual present...in either case, I am very afraid. Third, there were a bunch of green beans hanging out next to the impromptu present-wrapping station in the garage, and I kind of had to battle them for space. Fourth, I have to pick papers and stickers that go together and make sense for the person and the present and this can be difficult to continue to care about after like five presents...too many decisions.

Anyway, I know none of the presents that I give will make anyone exceedingly joyous - nor will those that I receive grant me lasting contentment. (I think everyone, at some point, accepts this fact.) But even being with family, upholding traditions (like eating Belgian waffles tomorrow, yum!), hanging out with my friends at home, getting my final grades - things that are all good and that are way more important than getting a nice new sweater - all of these are temporary fixes to my constant need for happiness. There's only one thing that can make me truly happy - forever, without any concerns. And that's being in a relationship with God. And there's only one way to do that - through Jesus. Tomorrow is the day that we choose to publicly remember his birth, and that's ok with me. It's ok with me that it's one day out of the year and it's ok with me that he probably wasn't born on December 25th. I shouldn't strive to "remember" him every day because I believe he's alive every day; I don't strive to remember the birth of my friends every day, but I am grateful that they exist and that they want to listen to me even when I'm being really silly. While his birth was the biggest deal that ever went down in human history up until that point (I would say his resurrection blew that record out of the water), he wasn't born so that we could celebrate his birthday: he was born to die, he was born to reconcile us to God.

All I want - not just for Christmas, but forever - is to have a deeper relationship with God. I want my selfish spirit to become selfless. I want to be like Christ. To quote St. Ignatius of Antioch, an early martyr, in his letter to the Roman church:

Come fire, cross, battling with wild beasts, wrenching of bones, mangling of limbs, crushing of my whole body, cruel tortures of the Devil--Only let me get to Jesus Christ!

In today's terms, come persecution, temptation, injustice, ridicule, losing friends, pain, death - it doesn't matter, because nothing can separate me from Jesus! That God chose to experience all of the pain of the human condition so that I might intimately know him is incredible. So I'm celebrating his existence, his decision, his love...and that's all that I need. I won't complain about the copious amounts of Christmas cookies in my house, though. :)

where do I live?

When someone asks me where I live, I have a number of responses depending on the context of our conversation and level of familiarity. But usually the answer is that I live in Stith (the building) and/or that I live with Abby. Of course I also live at my home with my family, but that's really talking about where I'm from.

But when I think about living in a building or even a room, it's kind of silly. I sleep in Stith and during finals I study in Stith but most of the things which I would consider living - hanging out and talking and eating and learning and worshiping and driving down Richmond Road at a heart-pounding 26 miles per hour and shopping and planning and running around and other things - all of those things, I do outside of Stith. So I really live in Williamsburg and mostly I live on the campus of William and Mary because that's where my life is happening.

Sometimes even this isn't true. Sometimes I spend my time on campus or in Stith or at home in nova and that's still not where I live. Sometimes I actually feel like I live in a number of other places, including but not limited to: Hogwarts (but actually), the internet, my head, the past, a land where all that matters is my ability to form the projection of a vector onto a column space, Katie's room, a real-life board game, Kanto, the set of a movie that's starring me, Morton, and my bed.

I don't think that any of those are very healthy places to live and I certainly think that we were created to live in the present (while still being able to learn from and analyze and plan for the past and future). So should I live in Stith or should I just live? I don't think it's really "just living" because I think it's actually kind of a big deal to be alive and to exist as I am. I don't think for a single day that this is all that matters: that my grades and what I wear and what people think of me define me or give me worth. Living purposefully and passionately requires me to live and not just exist and it requires me to live in the present and it requires me to live a life of love. Where I reside or happen to sleep should actually be the least of my concerns when I think about how I will live in the future: the question should not be where but in what manner and to what end?

Food for thought for future Marisa: where I live senior year is about as nbd as it gets. And where I live and what I do career-wise after that is similarly inconsequential given that I'm doing it for the right reasons and with the right attitude. This will be hard to accept when that time comes but it will not be any less true.

finals

things which have been substituted for meals:

• cupcake
• reindeer chow
• peanut m&m's
• red machine naked

things that have recently become super active:

• apo family on facebook
• overheard at william and mary
• my tumblr
• words with friends

things that now live in my bed:

• my laptop
• me
• my water bottle
• everything important

things I have watched since classes ended (five days ago):

• Love Actually
• Friends
• The Office
• Glee
• New Girl
• How I Met Your Mother

things I have accomplished this week:

• skimmed the readings I was supposed to do throughout October and November
• finished an exam in 70 minutes
• discovered new music on spotify
• beat Abby in words with friends....four times

resting

I've been thinking a lot about resting recently, probably because free time has become very scarce in my life lately. When I have time and nothing to do, my traditional approach to rest is threefold: getting on facebook until it bores me, watching tv until I've caught up on everything and then taking a nap until I have to do other things.

But I don't think that these are very restful at all. And I don't think that they're all that's meant for me. I think I'm meant for a satisfying kind of rest - one that doesn't just fill me up provisionally and one that isn't limited to a block of 2.5 hours between class and dinner.

I used to think that all that the Bible had to say about rest was this: take one day a week (the Sabbath) and be restful. Just don't do anything on that one day and then you'll be set for the week. I learned as I grew up that it didn't mean do literally nothing - but to take a break from work/toil. So to me that looked like taking a break from homework and going to church to worship God.

But God has a lot more to say about rest. Because I have a paper due tomorrow I won't go through instances where the Bible specifically talks about it, but it's an important topic that does get a lot of attention throughout the scriptures. Resting isn't doing nothing - it's doing something other than our usual schedule of work - it's fellowship, appreciating art, acknowledging the beauty of creation and the Creator. But even when I'm held to my strict/hectic/ridiculous schedule, there's another kind of rest that I can enjoy: resting in my identity in Christ. Resting in who I am and how that's not dependent on how I mess up. Resting in the fact that there is a plan for me and that my worrying about the future has no effect on it, so I might as well quit my complaints and start appreciating the journey. Resting assured, if you will.

So even though I'm not getting to sleep when I want to sleep or to catch up on Glee right away, and even though I have a lot of work ahead of me for finals, and even though I'm not sure what I'll be doing to make myself feel productive once winter break hits, I'm feeling pretty restful. Cool.

black friday

I'm writing this for three reasons:

1. My mom said I should, and in case you're unaware, my mom is the #1 reader of my blog!
2. I should be reading instead but it's a Saturday and you only get so much time to lounge in bed and indulge in reflection on your life.
3. I'm not quite hungry enough for brunch, and I need to wait for the taste of toothpaste to subside a bit before I can eat anyway.

SO. I've now done Black Friday shopping twice in my life. The first time was last year when all I really wanted was a shorter pea coat, so my mom and I went to the mall around 4am and successfully avoided all lines because it turns out the store had opened an hour earlier than we thought. (There were still great deals on pea coats to be had by all.) In that case, my motivation was pretty clear: I needed a specific coat. It was not the terrible experience I had been anticipating and in fact it was somewhat anticlimactic. I went to bed again after shopping and then had a normal holiday weekday.

In the past, I assumed that it was a miserable experience - I was well aware of the tragic tramplings and the campers outside of Best Buy every year. So in order to make my experience and my knowledge work together, I categorized my experience with clothing sales only. It naturally made sense that people would disperse more for clothes than they would for electronics, so even if there were a greater number of buyers, the buyer/store ratio would be lower.

This year I decided I wanted to go to Kohl's, because I needed to go shopping for clothes anyway and I might as well get a good deal. After watching The Muppets (great movie), my mom and sister and I drove to Kohl's....the line outside was massive, stretching all the way around the parking lot. But it was ok - there were a few minutes before midnight and then it would be ok. So we waited in the car until there wasn't a line, and then we went for it. Again, the shopping experience wasn't too hectic. I had to wait for a changing room and it was certainly difficult to navigate around customers when moving between sections of the store, but it was again nbd. Until, that is, I went to look for tights and realized that the line was getting massive. I wandered around the store until I could find the end of it and immediately planted myself there. It had somehow gotten to be 1:30 without my realizing it - which is crazy, because I am a super efficient shopper and if I'm not done in 45 minutes then I get tired and hungry and don't really care about clothes anymore, even the items I'm holding onto.

At the beginning of the line, we were just winding through aisles of the women's department - these were the people who got in line after me!

So this starts part 2 of the Black Friday experience. Eventually my family joined me and after we moved like 20 yards in 20 minutes, we let my sister go sleep in the car. Then my mom and I took turns wandering out of line to forage for good deals/water while the other held down our place in line and socialized with the shoppers immediately in front of and behind us in line. Though all I really wanted was my bed, I also could have gone for a McFlurry or basically anything sweet and cool to make it worth standing for that long. The only really interesting thing that happened was that the guy in front of me found an abandoned cart and began putting his things in it (he had been carrying two shoeboxes, a pillow and a bunch of clothes for his family) - but then an older man came up and asked him what he thought he was doing and took the cart away. Guess it hadn't really been abandoned?

We finally got to a register at 3:20, and though that was a very long line, I have to say that I think it was worth it. If it were any other time of year I would say that waiting in a line for almost two hours is insane...but then I think about Harry Potter and how waiting in that line is always about the experience. And now I've had a real Black Friday experience!

Anyway, after saving tons of money, we went home and my mom made me grilled cheese with bacon and then I went to sleep (by this time it was 4:30). And then I slept for 11 hours. Yay Thanksgiving!

things I'm thankful for

I don't think it's acceptable to only be thankful for things on one day of the year, but I think it's totally okay to publicly acknowledge the things that I've been blessed with so here are the top things on my mind:

• My family...but actually!! Baking with my mom and sometimes reluctant sister, watching so much tv, getting technology fixes from my dad, my lolzy brother, shopping - and the prospect of seeing tons of cousins in a few hours - these all make me so happy. :D
• Friends who think that I'm funny. I know I'm funny but sometimes it's hard to appreciate myself because I'm used to my humor all of the time, so it's really nice when my friends tell me how great I am (whether it's in as many words or just by liking my statuses).
• Dorms...how cool is it that I get to live in a building with tons of friends (and potential friends) and so close to my classes and so many other friends?! SO COOL. I love my neighbors. :)
• Laundry machines! And ovens! And laptops and electricity and and and so much technology that makes it easy for me to waste time but also to allocate it more efficiently (like allowing me to stay up late because there's light so I can read or blog or just hang out).
• Economic theories that make my life make sense. I was thinking about economics on my way home from the mall today and about how my purchasing decisions are influenced by many things (potential future discounts, seasonality of clothing, similarity to clothes I already own, prices compared to similar dresses at other stores [substitutes?], expected usage/value, etc.) and also how my driving route is influenced by similar things (utility gained from taking a quick turn now that will take a set amount of time versus waiting to take a turn and potentially hitting many lights but possibly taking less time because of the increased speed limit). My brain is strange.
• Colored pants...I'm so glad this is a thing.
• An amazing/awkward/adorable roommate who will tell me when the things that I'm wearing really don't work.
• Music and its ability to transcend reason and just be, and how cool it is that we get a kick out of certain songs and how that's just a minor reflection of how much God loves it when we praise him.

There are so many more things...basically, I am really and truly blessed beyond measure in the fact that I'm alive and in the brain that I have and in the people I'm surrounded by. Yay turkey day!

drawing

I like to draw things when I get bored, which I imagine is a common thing for people. But I don't usually doodle things nor do I create masterpieces...there are really two cases that I am talking about so I'll break off into them now.

1. I'm in math and the prof is being so boring: I will start drawing a pirate or a mermaid or a bird or something that I've never drawn before, just to see what will happen when I start. Sometimes I'll end up drawing a large scene with a shark about to attack a boat and an octopus just chilling deeper in the water...but these turn more into doodles than actual art. Sometimes I (attempt to) draw people that I know. The only criteria is that it is not a series of numbers/letters which will make me confused later in the week.
2. When I want to draw something for someone...I am a terrible, terrible artist so when this happens I will look up a picture online for me to copy and then when it turns out ok-ish, I feel so proud of myself. The good thing about this is that I retain the skills for later - like now I can draw a Pidgey whenever I want, or at least I would be really good at drawing his beak because I distinctly remember how I learned to do that.

Mostly, it is for procrastination. But I can see how other people would find it to actually be fun and I admire real artists a lot after I draw a unicorn and then realize that one of its legs is missing...oops.

And now I'll share my latest math drawing:

"Whatup birdies" - a Marisa Reed original sketch