self-control

THROWBACK TUESDAY: I wrote this post like three years ago and for some reason never published it. I often like to ruminate on subjects and let my thoughts develop before posting them for public consumption, especially when the topic is something controversial (or spiritual, which for some people is controversial and which I believe requires more discernment and listening to the holy spirit than merely responding to your immediate thoughts on a subject). Anyway, I found it again and found it to be just as refreshing of a read as when I first wrote it. So, enjoy.


I previously assumed that the power of self-control rested with, well, self. Its name implies, and most definitions agree, that self-control is all about controlling yourself: your actions, thoughts, words. But what happens when we want something so badly that we can't stop ourselves from getting it? Is ordering a dessert when you're already full a conscious act of self-uncontrol? Or is it just our natural behavior lacking restraint? I am always exercising self-uncontrol if such a thing exists. I constantly eat more than I should and watch more netflix than I should and think unkind thoughts and run too many red lights - I could list my faults for probably hours, so let's stop here now that you've gotten the idea. Everyone has their vices and probably a lot of them involve traffic so I'll go with that example. If I try to control myself (which I do, because who wants to get tickets?), I'll end up failing again and again because I know what the problem is but I still can't behave any better.  I know when I should stop at that orange light but I go through anyway. Even before I get to the light, I see the situation ahead of me and think: if it turns yellow before I get there I should stop, but I won't because I'm going to call it more of a could than a should situation. I weigh the pros and cons and decide it's better to run the risk of getting caught (or injured) because I value those 30 seconds more than the right decision.

Does that mean I shouldn't (try to) have self-control? I think that the problem with my thinking up until now has been that I consider self-control something that originates 100% from me. But it's listed along with the other fruits of the spirit--gifts from God that we can't replicate on our own. Self-control isn't about self-reliance; it's about relying on God. It's not about having control or controlling yourself; it's about being controlled. Whether you want to think that comes from God or self, I think we could all benefit from recognizing that self-control is not so much about the strength of self but the restriction of it. It takes a lot of self-confidence to go against what you know is right, and that's not a good thing to have. It takes a lot of work to justify eating more than I should: I think about how much I deserve it and how it's not really a fun life if I don't get to eat cookies every day and also ice cream and chocolate. If we wanted to have a strong self, then by all means we should not try to control it but let it roam free! Cave to our desires! That's true independence, right? Self-control just imposes morals on us that we clearly aren't feeling in the moment that we want to rebel, so if we want to be true to ourselves then I guess we can't have self-control.

Ok, maybe that's a ridiculous digression. So what's the argument for self-control? Is it that we know we should be better--we know we should impose morals on ourselves because we're good and we know better than to live life like a toddler with no restraint? I say no. Not for this reason. Self-control isn't about pride and being able to say you did the right thing, but about humility and doing something right because it's right whether there's a reward or not. Sometimes other people's knowledge of our good behavior motivates us (or at least me) and that's not the point. Self-control for a Christian isn't something to boast in but something to trust in God for, and that leads me to my point. Controlling yourself is exactly the problem which requires self-control--it's us thinking that we're strong enough to take care of ourselves; it's pride. Self-control is about letting your self (your id your pride your wild desires) be reined in. As such, the best way to do so is to pray about whatever particular struggle you're having and for the gift of self-control. It's something we actively engage in, no doubt, like the other gifts from God (patience, for example). It doesn't mean it's easy just because it's from him. But it does mean that we can't just exercise it on our own and expect to be good at it.



Note: Since writing this I've gotten a lot better at not eating when I'm not hungry (it still happens sometimes). I'm working on other vices now like caffeine dependence and unkind thoughts/words--and I pray that I can trust God to deliver me from these "bad habits" rather than attempting to better myself through sheer will power. On a practical note, that means making willful changes to my behavior and thoughts--through Jesus. Thinking on his words makes it a lot harder to worry or judge others for extended periods of time, and studying scriptures enables self-control in all areas of life. See:

• "Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." (Philippians 4:8)
• "See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the elemental spiritual forces of this world rather than on Christ." (Colossians 2:8)
• "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." (Romans 12:2)
• "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." (Galatians 5:22-23)

best movies

This is in response to my sister's list of favorite movies. As it so happens, I have seen all 25 on her list (at least 24 of them actually with her...I don't think we saw Wanted together). You might call us a movie family. Beginning with a massive inherited VHS collection, we've always had more movies to watch than time to watch them.

NARRATIVE TIME: My movie obsession!
My love of movies began at a young age. We had this old book that gave movies star ratings (this was pre-internet) and my mom would go and trade in old books and movies at a used book store for ones with better ratings. This was how I came to watch and love (semi-obscure) classics like The Court Jester and Gaslight. I came to appreciate quality acting and writing before I knew anything about directing or moviemaking in general.

And then I took film studies. This was a semester-long class in high school in which we watched classic films, briefly discussed them, and wrote movie reviews based on elements such as cinematography, score, costumes...I don't remember the more technical things. But I did learn that you should always watch movies widescreen (the way they were shot and intended to be seen) and I was exposed to many more of the actual classics (Citizen Kane, On the Waterfront, The Great Dictator). I also got like 112% in the class because our grade was based on writing movie reviews. We got extra credit for Oscar predictions, which probably only fueled my love of Oscar night (aside: my sister made me write an Oscar acceptance speech "just in case" so that I would be sure to thank her first when I inevitably win an Oscar).


Anyway. My top 25 films, some of which overlap with hers, and partially influenced by the proximity of this post to Oscar night (last night). In chronological order because time matters to film quality. Some related movie suggestions in parenthesis.

1.  It Happened One Night because it's the original rom-com and we can learn from origins (related: Breakfast at Tiffany's)
2. The Wizard of Oz because movie magic and economic parable!
3. Some Like it Hot because nobody's perfect
4. To Kill a Mockingbird because ham and of course the excellent source material
5. Charade because I like hipster Audrey picks (I can't help myself)
6. Raiders of the Lost Ark because Indy
7. Star Wars: Return of the Jedi because because because
8. Back to the Future because Doc
9. The Princess Bride because as you wish/to the pain/anybody want a peanut?
10. Groundhog Day because it's brilliant? I don't know how one could argue with this movie.
11. Toy Story because you're a child's plaything
12. The Truman Show because sailing into the sky (related: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind)
13. Fight Club because Ikea and neurotic and quirky
14. A Beautiful Mind because John Nash and chilling (related, weirdly: The Sixth Sense)
15. Finding Nemo because everything
16. Lord of the Rings: Return of the King because despite the ending (too many fadeout endings and not enough Shire fallout) it was basically perfect and also Gollum
17. The Prestige because are you watching closely? (best on first watch, but does not get boring after knowing the story as does Memento)
18. The Dark Knight because it gives us the hero we deserve and IMAX (other commendable superhero movies: Iron Man and X-Men Origins: First Class because of their quality screenplays)
19-20. Slumdog Millionaire & 500 Days of Summer because of the crazy innovative storytelling devices, and fate
21. The Social Network because that crazy intense score when Andrew Garfield realizes he's being cut out
22. TiMER because it makes us ponder the meaning of relationships (related: Never Let Me Go, 50/50)
23. The Intouchables because wonderful touching hilarious (related but not just because it's French: Amelie)
24. The Artist because it uses its medium to full potential and tells a simple, excellent story
25. Catching Fire because JLaw's face at the end and the most accurate and bestest adaptation I've seen

Bonus recommendations which just didn't fit the feel of this list: Signs, A Perfect World, Clueless, Muppets from Space, and everything my sister likes.

to future twamps

Dear future classes of Triiiiiiiibe?! Pride, of succulent bits, of Harkers Upon the Gale,

On your first day of orientation you may be overwhelmed (and in need of 2-7 showers), but that’s nothing compared to the overwhelming rush of emotions that will come every time you leave the Burg—for your first weekend home, for winter break and for your first summer away especially. You will be excited to see your friends and family at home but you will be ecstatic to return to your freshman hallmates, your Monrovians or whathaveyou. This excitement dwindles a little bit every time, but it will still be a jarring transition: your past self (sleeping habits and old friends and jokes and fighting with your family over the pettiest things like which of your two favorite movies you will watch for the 100^th time) will emerge at home and your young adult/college/90s kid/student/scholar/athlete/club officer self will resurface when you hit Richmond Road. Your identity, to put it briefly, will be split. Even at college you’ll have multiple roles with different expectations, as you juggle friend groups and calendars and responsibilities. Who will you spend your birthday with, let alone any given weekend? Trust me--it's a lot of feelings and a lot of adulthood being thrown at you, but it does get easier as the semesters tick down.

I can't count the number of things I've learned between speed-walking to Morton and waiting at the grill station for not nearly enough fried food, but here are some of the my hopes for you based on what I've learned.

At some point after your freshman year you may begin to find it difficult to picture life beyond the confines of Jamestown and Richmond Road. Everything is of monumental importance because your grades are how you get to grad school which is how you get to that perfect job where you'll meet your future spouse and if you don't get an A then you might as well quit college and live in a cardboard box. Every organization is 100% dependent on you and would fail to operate if you didn't do your job; people would just stare at each other cluelessly at meetings as events failed to happen etc. I am (hopefully) obviously being facetious here. If you're not doing well in a class, either you're not working hard enough or you're not cut out for that subject, and that's perfectly acceptable. You don't have to get all A's. I know you think you will, but you won't, and learning that is really essential to enjoying college. If you're not enjoying a subject, then maybe it shouldn't be your major. I hope you take the courses you want to take, because you won't get to take them again. Take the risks that you want to take. And plan ahead--because after college you will still be alive and doing things even if you can't picture that now. I hope you make the most of your summers--even if that means relaxing and rereading Harry Potter, I hope that it's an enjoyable time and that you visit your friends.

While your transcript will be part of your life for a short time (as you apply for jobs/grad school you may wish you'd taken easier classes to boost your GPA), relationships and memories will be there always. And let me point out that this goes two ways: your memories last, and people's memories of you last. So do your random acts of kindness, help your friends whenever you can, and always choose the memory-making activity over the studying unless you're failing the class (that is maybe the only acceptable excuse). You will not look back over your college years and be glad for the Saturday nights you stayed in to study. You may need them every once in a while--if only to keep yourself from being socially exhausted--but they will not bring you happiness. Let me repeat: grades will not bring you happiness. Ok, glad we covered that subject again.

I hope you're prepared for your relationships to change. For some reason I expected the friends I made the first week of college to last forever. And while I am still good friends with some of the girls I met at orientation four years ago, those relationships have evolved, gone through ups and downs of housing drama, and in many ways grown deeper than I expected. At the same time, though, I made some of my best friends in college slowly; they weren't all instant connections. My roommate senior year and I didn't really get along when we first met; now we're inseparable and ridiculous. It may seem overwhelming to pick a friend group, but I hope you're friends with the people you want to be friends with; it will be difficult to prioritize conflicting events or groups competing for your time and attention, but everyone has time for occasional Grind dates or Miller lunches (especially if you flex them). When you graduate, your friendships will all change pretty dramatically--but that doesn't mean they'll cease to exist. A lot of them will just become long-distance friendships which are sad but have plenty of perks (getting mail! getting 1000s of snapchats! getting exciting destination vacations with free places to stay!). Also under this category: your friends at home will change, but I hope you still put in effort to keep in contact. 

You've probably heard about this one before, but I really hope you listen to your advisers and professors. Go to their office hours. Talk to them. Ask questions. Even the dumb ones. Especially the dumb ones. These people have tons of experience and knowledge and networking ability, and they teach because they want to engage with students. I wish I had been a little bit bolder about talking to more professors--but every one that I talked to was extremely helpful, thoughtful and kind. The professors that I just randomly stopped by to talk to are the ones that wrote me recommendation letters, because they knew who I was outside of my test scores. If you want recommendation letters (or any other kind of career advice), let them get to know you! 

I hope you're not afraid to ask for things. I hope you find people older than you and eat up their advice like fruit (or in my case, like ice cream). They will be a source of information and encouragement like none other because they've actually experienced what you're going through, and even if they haven't they'll understand it a lot better than your family (and sometimes better than your close friends). If you can find an adult, perfect. If it's just an upperclassman, still good. They actually like giving you freshmen rides because they've had to bum rides from upperclassmen for years as well, and they consider it paying it forward (...or backward?). On that note--I hope you're a good upperclassmen to future freshmen.

I hope you explore your town. Get to know the bus schedule, the Qdoba deals, the burger nights and the walk down DoG street. There are tons of wonderful things waiting for you just off campus if you'll only be brave enough to explore! Buy a cider mug (and a Green Leafe mug!). Go on a student-led (read: free) ghost tour. Rally upperclassmen to take you to the beach and enjoy every simple thing that the Burg has to offer you. It may be a boring little town--but it's yours now. Also, if you haven't already, I hope you register to vote. This is the perfect place to learn about local politics, and then every time someone stops you and asks if you're registered to vote you can say "YES" and walk away from them. (This will save you a lot of time in the long run.) When you leave Williamsburg, you will be extremely sad, but at least you won't regret not going to CW.

I hope you don't use the internet to replace face to face communication. Facebook, gmail, twitter, tumblr, skype, this list could last forever--these things are tools. They are not replacements for people. Get away from your screens and go talk to someone. It may feel like tagging them is connecting with them, and it can feel like a nice ego boost, but you will never get the vulnerability and depth of a real friendship if you're just facebook-hacking away your time.

Though college may seem like a magical little kingdom secluded from the world where everyone has their place and everything makes sense because everyone's a TWAMP, it's not. Your friends are what make you feel like you belong--because, let's be honest, for a lot of TWAMPs this is the first place where we've really felt like we fit in. It's not the sinking buildings or the muddy fields that make your heart swell when you step on campus--it's the security that your friendships lend to your identity. But while this may be sufficient for four years, it won't be after that. You can't idolize campus and you can't be there forever. You will eventually have to physically move on. When that happens, will you be depressed? Suffer from separation anxiety or identity crises? Even for someone as grounded and rational as I claim to be, I'm still tempted to be nostalgic and to wish for the good old days of Landrum living and late night walks across campus. So with that in mind, I hope you invest in loving yourself and loving others rather than falling in love with a place.

Most importantly: be where you are. I have been convicted by this statement more times than I care to admit. It's always easier to live in my head and imagine life in grad school or worry about getting bumped off campus or even reminisce over freshmen year (which may happen to you a lot--it's a pretty baller year). But it's always best to be where you are. I hope you engage with the people around you. Make a new memory. Do something to distract yourself from your worries. And you know what? This is a lesson I'll always need relearning. Ngl I kinda wish I were at W&M right now--but some of the most important people who are part of my W&M aren't there, and I know it wouldn't be the same, and I know that right now I don't belong there, I belong here. Which I guess brings me to another point: you'll always be learning. It may be scary to think about not being in school after you graduate, but you will always be learning. It may seem like you're a perfectly mature adult who knows all that you need to know, but you'll always be learning.

You have a lot to learn. I hope you enjoy your four years as much as I did, and I hope you major in something that you love, and that you find something to do after school with it. I hope you join new clubs (a reasonable 2-5 of them will be sufficient) and have a favorite sandwich at the Cheese Shop. I hope you find your special place to be alone and that you send your friends notes to brighten up their CSU boxes. I hope you don't get tricked by the candy at the activities fair into trading away a perfectly clean inbox for listservs that you will stay on forever and ever, but if you do, I hope you're resourceful enough to get yourself off of them. I hope you get lunch with President Reveley because you can and I sincerely hope that Dress Week is still in existence when you graduate, but I doubt it will be. I hope you wait in line for all of the free things that you can, but I hope you can let go of the fear of missing out and move past any regrets. I hope you aren't tempted to do things you don't want to just because everyone says you should. I hope you learn a lot about yourself and I hope you learn what you want to do for the year immediately following graduation but not necessarily past that. I hope you don't worry about meeting a significant other, but if you do I hope you realize how incredibly lucky you are if he's a keeper (and how much you can learn about yourself if you end up single again). I hope you meet your best friends and I hope you don't let drama or distance separate you. I hope you grow into a better person through those relationships and I hope you tell them how much they mean to you. I hope that you become a successful adult even if you would never call yourself an adult and I hope that your transitions are as pleasant and educating as they can be.

To the friends I made, from living in Monroe to Jamestown to Landrum to Stith to Bryan to Ludwell to Morton (this one's a joke kind of) and everywhere I walked in between, thanks. Thanks for sticking with me despite my flirtations with hipsterdom and my study habits. It's been a blast and I'm still reeling from graduation--but here's what I do know. I'm glad I only applied to one school and I'm grateful they let me go there. I'm a different and better person for having known each of you, and I hope that you'll continue to edify me as we grow into those old alumni who invade campus every once in a while and have embarrassing tailgates with stories of "in my day we weren't allowed in Tucker" and of how the Crim Dell disappeared for a day and of hurrication and sledding on the trays from marketplace ("there were trays in marketplace?" you're asking. Yes, yes there were. And they were glorious.).

short run vs long run

I have a problem. My long term goal is to have long hair again. My even longer term goal is probably to chop it all off and start this cycle over again, but let me shorten this time horizon to, say, two years.

Actually, let me explain why I have short hair in the first place. One of my favorite features, aside from my eyes and winning personality, is my hair. When I was very little, I cut it myself with scissors in the basement of my house and it looked pretty awful. After that experience, I never wanted to get it cut. It would get obscenely long, very difficult to wash and exceedingly tangled but when it came to be family hair cut day, I would ask for a two-inch trim. Given that my hair grows more than four inches in a year, this meant that my net hair growth was pretty high between the ages of three and fifteen(? I don't really recall these stages of life because I have poor photo documentation of them).

Anyway, I put a lot of my identity in my hair because it receive a lot of compliments and because I really enjoy breaking blond stereotypes. In order to cut off my pride from ballooning, I decided in May that I needed to immediately cut it all off and donate it to Pantene Beautiful Lengths. I had been plotting for about a year to make the cut, since I'd donated my sophomore year as well, but I guess my hair hit a critical length and I felt the urgent need to get it cut. This isn't a new cycle; when I got my hair dramatically cut the first time, I donated 10 inches to Locks of Love, and it was basically the best feeling ever. I was happy that I could help someone out, but I was way happier that I had to wash 10 fewer inches of hair.

I felt the same way about my hair before each donation. I wait for about a year, only getting little trims so that my hair retains its length and health. It gets ridiculously long, and all semester all I think about is getting it cut - but would it be too short? I worry a lot about it looking ridiculous because it's hard to imagine yourself without something you've always had (hair past your shoulders). Now, I loved my hair after my first and second donations. It was light and freeing and shocking but it wasn't anything too crazy. I considered it really short but to most people it was a normal length (though certainly it was a different look for me).

Well. I think I donated too much last time. It was fun for a while but there are so many challenges of short hair that I didn't anticipate! This brings me to my actual point: my long term goal is to have long hair but my short term goal is to not have my hair look ridiculous. This means I guess that I have to trim it frequently and wash it all the time and maybe even use styling products which is way more maintenance than I am used to. Although it takes less shampoo, I would definitely argue that short hair takes more effort than long hair, and for a person whose goal it is to minimize effort, that's unfortunate. So now I'm stuck trying to get my hair trimmed enough to look decent (I'm embarking on the long process of evening out the front and back of my hair) without losing all my length.

But don't get me wrong - I'm definitely still on the donating boat. I don't see the point of having hair if you're going to keep it to yourself and not share it with people who don't have it. I'm pretty lucky in that I have a variety of shades of blonde, and my hair is a nice thickness but doesn't take any extra care, and I have absolutely no inclination to dye my hair (which is not allowed for donations) - so if I can deal with having hair a little bit too long for my taste and also a little bit too short for my taste, there is basically no reason for me to always get 2 (or even 4 or 6) inches cut off at a time. Might as well donate, yes?

I'm just saying try to keep the long run in mind when you're making decisions about your hair. If you want it all chopped off, fine, but think about if you want all your hair at the same length or if you can deal with layers or whatever growing out and looking a little weird. To paraphrase a very good but very overused quote, with great hair comes great responsibility - both to share it and to keep it lookin' good.

waiting

I recognize that I should probably treat time like the preciously limited resource that it is, but right now I wish that time would speed up just a little bit. That's not actually true; the Adventures from the Book of Virtues video about the Magic Thread scared me for life and there is no way that I would ever wish for time to really speed up because I know that I could never get it back. But it is true that right now I'm in the middle of a serious waiting period. After rushing through school and all that entails (not just classes but friends and weekly meals and applying for jobs etc etc etc), and rushing through the period directly after graduation (in which I actually got my job), and rushing through getting a car and throwing away my childhood belongings/high school papers, I've reached a stopping point.

Now all I can do is wait. To be fair, I know that I still need to finish packing (and I actually have to find a place to move all of my belongings to) in order to start the next stage of my life. But I really have a month of waiting. And then even when my job starts it'll be a waiting period until the next stage of my life which might be a more permanent job or more school (which is also a transition period). I guess my point here is that everything is a transition stage to the next--and at no point will I reach a plateau of perfectness and stability that will last for the rest of my life. BUT, this is a very brief time of transition so I don't have the motivation to settle in because I can see the end of it in my one-month forecast, so I'll continue to talk about waiting even though I know there's waiting all the time in my life.

Waiting is not a passive activity; you're thinking of procrastinating or killing time. Waiting is active. Psalm 27 is super fantastic and ends with this verse: "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Waiting for the Lord does not mean sitting back and doing nothing. It requires strength! I recently read this devotional which tells us to wait in prayer; wait with simplicity of soul; wait in faith; wait in quiet patience. Thank the Lord for your circumstances as you trust that he will use them to do his will (even if you're frustrated, confused, lonely or just bored). There is a purpose for every period of time in your life and it is your responsibility to be its steward, using it for the kingdom of God. My goal is to use this month to grow spiritually while I have the energy and time to read books and study scripture, to identify things in my life I can give away (belongings, money, time, maybe more things?), and to make more efforts to invest in relationships that are transitioning to long-distance friendships. And hopefully I won't let my resolve dissolve into watching tv marathons and sleeping 12 hours a day!

the job hunt

Preface: I have the most wonderful and supporting friends and family (and everyone in between...you know who you are!) imaginable and literally could not imagine what this would have looked like without them.

Now, let me tell you a story. When I was 17 I took my first economics class and immediately knew that this was the discipline for which I had been searching--it blended my analytical/writing skills with my propensity for numbers, and on top of that it explained the world around me. From big picture items (unemployment rates, the housing bubble) to minute decisions (which toothpaste brand should I buy?!), it provided me with the tools to understand humans and infrastructures like never before. (Aside: when I say that it's my goal to understand humans, I sound like I'm an alien...but I have no evidence to suggest that I'm anything other than human. I just don't understand us.)

Within a year of that class starting, I had gotten involved in three different economic competitions because I literally had the best econ teacher ever. Two of those allowed me to travel to three different Federal Reserve branches and find out just how cool the Fed could be (I mean, it's a building full of economists, how much better can it get?). One thing I learned was that they don't like it when people wear birkenstocks to official functions. But the other things I learned were of even more importance: how and why the federal funds rate is set, what was going on in the financial crisis (recall that this was 2008-9), the importance of liquidity, and a bunch of things that honestly went over my head at the time but which I learned how to talk about anyway.

From that point on, my career path was econ PhD or bust. If I wanted to do the sorts of jobs I saw ahead of me (being a professor, doing research, or more generally being an economist), I knew I would need a lot of education. So I took the math classes and the GRE and the advice of my professors all the way up until last summer. When I started doing more independent research. And I realized that if this is what grad school looked like, I was in no way prepared for that! You see, I feel like I've barely learned anything about economics (which is true, despite my major in it) because I haven't gone through the first two years of a PhD program...and I feel unprepared to jump into a program when I don't know what I'm interested in or how to do research.

So from last summer on, I've been a little bit lost. I've considered basically every career path I've seen my friends and peers embark on (except perhaps the military), and it was going into winter break that I felt the most torn between ministry and academics. As I thought about ways to get involved in Christian ministry (teaching, working with college students, going abroad, etc.) I felt overwhelmed because most of these prospects fail to make use of the skills that I have...but they're still really important. How could I say that I thought they were important, though, if I didn't do any of them myself? So then I went to Urbana, which is a missions conference organized by InterVarsity. I looked for ministry opportunities that did use my skills and passions and I didn't find any organizations that fit the bill. What I did find was a group of people who cared about academics; college professors and grad students who used their studies to bring glory to God in a less explicit way than missionaries. Now, I had known that these sorts of people existed, but I kind of thought of that lifestyle as a cop-out. Because, hey, they're still getting lots of money (depending on discipline) and getting to do what they love, and maybe they view it as a missions opportunity but maybe they merely view it as not incompatible with a Christian life. But hearing these people talk, and seeing them alongside missionaries in Africa, helped me reconcile some of that confusion in my head.

The next step was figuring out how I wanted to pursue academics, and it came so much easier than I had anticipated! Someone asked me what I wanted to do next year, and I answered that ideally I'd like to work for the Federal Reserve. It took me about a day to recall this conversation and realize what it meant: if I wanted to work there, I had to apply there! I had already applied for a few jobs, but I was planning on doing the majority of that work in the spring semester. So I got home from St. Louis and started researching positions at the Fed. After applying for all of the positions/locations I desired, I expanded my job search and applied for about 30 more jobs in the economic research arena throughout the spring (well, some of them would have been a stretch for my academic career, but they still would have been interesting).

After getting way more rejections than I anticipated, one day I got an email from the Federal Reserve Bank in Richmond and assumed the worst. I kind of squinted my eyes when I opened it to brace myself for another dashed dream. Instead of a rejection form letter, however, it was a request for a phone interview. 

To make a long story a tiny bit shorter, I did have some more phone interviews and I didn't hear back from the Fed until the last week of finals, when they wanted to have a second phone interview. At this point I was resigned to living with my parents and working at Starbucks for a year and a half until I could apply for and start grad school in 2014, and I was sad and confused about why I didn't have any job prospects or life direction. But every other opportunity that had come up (mostly teaching), I had shied away from because it just didn't feel right. I wondered if I had made a mistake and had been selfish to not want to teach. So I graduated with this dream job hanging over my head and everyone asking me what my plans were, and I couldn't tell them anything because I didn't have anything to tell. The very next day, I went off to the mountains of Goshen, VA where cell reception is terrible and where I didn't bring my laptop. And of course, that was the night that the Fed emailed me to ask if I would come in for an on-site interview. After a lot of internet struggles, I set that interview up for the following week. The week in between was a terrible place of limbo as I learned about life after college at Rockbridge and tried to imagine myself in one of two scenarios: happily employed in Richmond, or living with my parents in nova. I struggled to see that God would be in control and providing for me in either case, because God considers work good and I consider the Fed the perfect place to work...so if he cared for me, wouldn't he be giving me this job? And if he really cared wouldn't he have spared me some stress and let me have it before graduation? But I ate some humble pie and rested in the blessings he has given me (supportive friends and parents who will let me stay at home, a good education, job interviews, and most importantly his own presence in my life!).

Anyway, I interviewed in Richmond and loved the department and the city and everything about the Fed. They called me last Friday to let me know that I would be receiving a job offer this week, which I accepted today. I'll be moving there later this summer to start my work as a Research Associate!

As you may have guessed, I've learned a lot through this process...that my plans mean nothing without my God, that he is more than sufficient for me, and that I'm not so special to deserve a job just because I went to college. Plenty of my friends are still seeking out their plans for life after college and I'll be in that position again when I'm done with this job. Not having a plan doesn't make you unintelligent, lazy, or even a bad Christian--God does not reward faithfulness with monetary prizes! I feel incredibly blessed to have the opportunity to do research and learn more about economics, live in a new city, and face new challenges as they come. I'm also very glad that I didn't have this job when graduation hit because I can so empathize with everyone who doesn't know what they're doing, and I've learned so much more how to rely on God rather than on my resume.

today's adventures

Thought I'd provide some more meaning to my day by blogging about it and commemorating it forever! Here are my adventures from today...so far:

• had the best luck at rummy against my mom (I count it because it was after midnight)
• tried WisPride which is a spreadable and delicious cheese
• continued to do some interesting devotions from "Morning & Evening" by Charles Spurgeon...ngl it sort of goes over my head!
• had breakfast while the rest of my family slept lolol
• sent a postcard from home! who does that. me.
• retrieved the garbage can from in front of the mailbox (how we supposed to get mail when it's there?!)
• put my favorite books in a box (decided I probably have too many favorites)
• sorted my sock drawer (decided I definitely have too many socks)
• got frustrated with the disorganization of apartment listings
• took a shower and only shampooed my hair once (ie tested the theory that I may need less shampooing with less hair. results are inconclusive and may require further testing)
• retrieved the mail (I had a lot of adventures regarding the mailbox it seems!)
• read a chapter of "This Ordinary Adventure" on my deck and almost got burned and only lasted one chapter outside
• read some more chapters inside
• had a conversation about free will vs. free choice with my brother
• ate homemade tacos

And it's only 4:18! There are so many more adventures to be had, like making dinner and finding new bits of nostalgia in my room. I hope the rest of you are enjoying your summer as much as I am, whether you're working, travelling, studying or sitting at home like I am. :)